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Mary Worth, 9/25/17

Hi everybody, I’m back! Huge thanks to all who contributed to the fundraiser, and huge thanks to Uncle Lumpy for being a hilarious guest blogger as always! (I’m still giggling at “But his contract done restricted his wanderings to the premium content offerings from the Tribune Content Agency, LLC.”)

I’m glad to be back, though, and not least because I got here just in time for Dawn to hit her emotional nadir. We all know that Dawn’s true purpose in the great tapestry of life in Mary Worth’s universe is to be as demonstrably miserable as possible. Whether she’s mope-masturbating to Game of Thrones, or staring forlornly at one of the Renaissance’s most famous dicks while thinking about her ex-boyfriend, or, as in this case, stumbling disheveled out of her apartment after what I assume is a 24-hour long mismatched-sweatsuit-clad crying jag to grab a fistful of carrot muffins and then retreat to the nest of blankets she’s made for herself in the middle of the bathroom floor, Dawn is at her best when she’s at her most pathetic.

Crankshaft, 9/25/17

Oh, man, looks like Crankshaft is in for a tough decision that he’s going to have weigh against his moral code: what will allow him to be more of a dick to more people, siding with labor or management?

Pluggers, 9/25/17

Pluggers know that the opiate of today’s masses flows through electrical wires and broadband pipes, and they’re doing their part to help keep the spigot at full blast!

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Mary Worth, 9/14/17

“Principles, Dawn! Principles! What are we without them? Just a seething mass of lust, abandoning society’s rules and our own moral compass whenever we see a handsome slab of man-meat who presses our buttons? Like, maybe you go to New York and meet a handsome Broadway legend who’s super into you and you entertain the thought for a while but eventually you go home to your drippy boyfriend who you’re never, ever going to marry. Because of principles, OK? You tell your friend that, Dawn. You tell your friend that.”

Beetle Bailey, 9/14/17

I’m not usually one to judge other people’s recreational substance use, but I don’t think the fact that Sarge is huffing paint first thing in the morning is a great sign about how his life is going.

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Hi and Lois, 9/12/17

The first thought I had reading this strip is that a bunch of cookies melted into one big cookie in the microwave sounds amazing. Then I realized the great thing about being an adult: you can do this whenever you want, not because you’re engaged in some child-lawyering with an authority figure, but because it sounds amazing.

Gil Thorp, 9/12/17

Oh, say, what’s going in panel three here? Not much, just Gil and Kaz checking out the spreadsheet where they’re keeping the baseline information on their football players’ cognitive functioning, so they can figure out at the end of the season who amongst them had their brains turned to goo by repeated blows to the head. Wowing the guys down at the Elks Club with your fidget spinner tricks doesn’t sound like such a bad deal now, does it Rick?

Mary Worth, 9/12/17

“I’m a good listener! For instance, I can easily tell from your ellipses and strange emphasis that this ‘friend’ is really you, and you’ve managed to get yourself into a hilariously terrible personal situation, again. What I’m saying, dear, is: proceed.”