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Mary Worth, 4/28/17

Wow, Esme’s just groping Derek, a total stranger, like a big slab of meat, huh? I guess the rules really are different out in international waters! Meanwhile, I just hope the lady in the top hat in the background in panel one finds true love. It’s not glamorous, but somebody has to wear the hat!

Family Circus, 4/28/17

Not sure if anyone had “killed by a demonic sewer-clown” in the How Will The Keane Kids Die pool, but I don’t think we’re going to get that many complaints!

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Mary Worth, 4/25/17

Oh ho, it looks like we’ve been delightfully misled for the duration of this storyline so far. The “cigarettes” that the Hoosiers have been playfully bantering about ever since they came on board? Just a code word for other ladies that Derek wants to do sex stuff with! The “so in love” attitude? A facade covering their seething resentment of one another! Derek thought he could make this last-ditch effort save his marriage work, but now that he’s seen the goddess that is Entertainer Esme, he knows that he could never be a one-woman man. I mean, look at that skin-tight vest! What man could resist a vest like that?

Dick Tracy, 4/25/17

Oh, right, Dick Tracy is ostensibly a strip about the commission, solving, and prevention of crimes, not just anime and such. It looks like the various Margies are going to, uh, pull some kind of insurance fraud? And walk away a cool $3,000 richer than they would be from just running a legitimate convention? I personally am at the edge of my seat!

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Mary Worth, 4/22/17

I feel like I’m kind of harping on this, but this Mary Worth plot is definitely what you’d get if, in Mary Shelly’s classic novel Frankenstein, the titular scientist decided to create a ghastly simulacrum of life using not pieces of dead bodies as his raw material, but rather a bunch of brochures for cruise lines. And speaking of things stitched together from severed chunks of other things, I’m sure the Hoosiers will have a blast watching this “Broadway-quality” variety show, which will be like a Broadway show except that it’s a bunch of scenes from different plays or maybe not even a play at all, just whatever monologue the bursar or the pool cleaner or whoever used as their go-to at auditions before they gave up on showbiz and decided to commit themselves to a more steady career at sea.

Marvin, 4/22/17

Haha, remember on Tuesday when Marvin’s dad was worried about what would happen if he got caught using Marvin’s car seat to commit carpool lane fraud? Welp, he used Marvin’s car seat to commit carpool lane fraud, and now he got caught! This is definitely just part of his plan to get sent to the one place where he won’t ever have to deal with Marvin again: prison. He’ll punch that cop if that’s what it takes to make that happen.

Blondie, 4/22/17

In case you’re wondering what kind of “steward of the Earth” Dagwood Bumstead is: he dreams of the day when forbidden science creates plant-animal hybrids that will literally grow slabs of flesh on nightmarish trees, the better to feed his appetites.