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Spider-Man, 9/8/17

Newspaper Spider-Man is already famous for having whole narrative arcs play out without the title character actually doing anything, but today’s strip is even better, providing us with an little drama that takes place entirely within the context of the villain’s monologue, with our protagonist and the other characters just kind of dumbly staring at him.

I have a lot of questions about the Official Fountain Of Youth Chalice. Like: if it’s made of pewter, as it appears today, or gold, as it appeared last week, how did it shatter so easily? If it’s as important as all that, shouldn’t Tyrannus have several spares? Will some Morlock artisan need to use the only remaining chalice to craft a new backup? Wouldn’t it be easy enough just to use the chalice to measure the actual recommended dosage of Fountain Of Youth Water so that we would know how many milliliters are necessary and dispense with the need for a chalice altogether?

Dick Tracy, 9/8/17

Undercover cop Lee Ebony, currently working deep within in the Neo-Chicago criminal underworld as “T-Bolt,” is taking care to report back to police headquarters using an encoded message in case her phone is tapped, as the footnote in the first panel helpfully indicates. Unfortunately, Sam Catchem seems to be under the impression that if her phone is tapped it’ll only record her end of the call, so he’s just answering using people’s actual names. Admittedly it gets confusing that the main bad guy’s name is actually “Mr. Bribery,” so it’s unclear if he’s talking about him or just the abstract concept of bribery, but either way this is bound to raise suspicions.

Mary Worth, 9/7/17

“…to my work! Ha ha, yes, as a handsome, well-paid doctor I’m very committed to my career. [suddenly speaking much faster and more quietly]also i’m still married to my wife and we’re not in an open relationship or anything, she has no idea i fuck my young employees on the regular[normal speaking style] So, you definitely have the apartment to yourself tonight, right?”

Pluggers, 9/7/17

Ahh yes, a man-bear’s eyes bugging out in panic as he tries to cram an overstuffed sandwich into his mouth before too much food falls into the sink, forcing him to scoop up the soggy scraps with his hands for the second round of feeding. A classic indeed!

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Dennis the Menace, 9/6/17

Over the years, the overarching ’50s aesthetic and cultural milieu in Dennis the Menace has gone from “it was actually created in the ’50s so it was contemporary at the time” to “creative staff is aging out of awareness of contemporary culture, or maybe is trying to maintain a consistent tone” to “active indulgence of nostalgia, Mad Men style.” Even so, I find today’s panel particularly baffling. If this were actually published in, say, 1967, I’d describe it as “someone trying to draw a hippie who’s heard of them but never actually seen one and who is physically incapable of visualizing a man leaving the house without wearing a suit jacket,” but since this was in fact produced in the year 2017, I have to imagine that it’s … trying get inside the head of such a person from 50 years ago, who’s heard of hippies but etc.? Anyway, assuming we are in the early-to-late-mid ’60s window, the extremely mildly shaggy grooming plus earth-tone suit over sweater and dress shirt says “junior faculty at local liberal arts college” but the sandals say “our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, returned to judge the living and the dead from His position as a junior faculty member at the local liberal arts college.” “My Father taught me many things, but the need to conform to the transitory grooming codes of this world was not among them,” the Son of Man thinks to Himself.

Mark Trail, 9/6/17

Speaking of Jesus, Mark seems to think that he’ll be safer from the coming twister underneath a house of worship, while our nefarious criminals have only one thing on their mind: getting as drunk as possible on whatever leftover booze has been aging deliciously over at the saloon in the decades since this entire town was abandoned. Mark’s going to feel pretty pious down there in the church basement, right until he realizes it’s part of the underground tunnel system where the Samson the biblically named but still bloodthirsty bear lives.

Beetle Bailey, 9/6/17

This strip has done plenty of strips about General Halftrack’s incipient dementia, but I think this is the first time we’ve actually seen one of the other characters cruelly laughing at his doddering panic.

Mary Worth, 9/6/17

It has come to my attention that some of you think that maybe this whole “Dr. Ned is still married” thing is a big comical sitcom-style misunderstanding, and that Jared overheard him talking to his daughter or something. It’s possible, I guess, but as contrary evidence let me point out that for their big dates Dr. Ned has taken Dawn to French restaurants called “The Love Dog” and “The Dishonest Snail.” This strip generally isn’t subtle, guys.

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Mary Worth, 9/1/17

Dawn may be clueless enough to believe that Dr. Ned is divorced, but at least she isn’t so naive as to fail to recognize that Jared has been lusting after her for the entire length of this storyline. Probably that time he said “If you’re at your apartment alone, by yourself, I can show up at a moment’s notice!” was the subtle “tell” she picked up on. I feel like the way Dawn is holding her bagel in panel two is extremely relevant here: it’s completely ridiculous if she intends to eat it, but it’s a perfect grip to, say, hit chuck it at someone and hit them in the mouth at point-blank range if it becomes sadly clear that they’re about to confess romantic feelings for her.

Spider-Man, 9/1/17

Why do you think Tyrannus needs to take a sip from the fountain of youth before he orders Spidey and Mole-Man’s deaths? Upon my first read of this strip I thought he was going to do the dirty work himself and needed youthful strength, but no, he’s just going to order the Dectopus to do it. Does this ten-limbed beast from deep below the earth’s crust refuse to take orders from anyone who doesn’t radiate the vitality of a twentysomething? Has the surface world’s cultural obsession with youth penetrated even down to the subterranean realm?

Mark Trail, 9/1/17

I sincerely hope that what Sheriff What’s-His-Name is going to pull out of his saddle-bag is a bouquet of flowers and bottle of champagne, and we’re about to get a long, rambling speech that includes the phrase “See, the way to deal with a grizzly bear is you have to romance it” at least twice.