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(Hey! What’s with the new site design? What’s this business in the top menu about “membership?” Get all the info here!)

Guys, apologies that Important Website Development delayed my return to comics blogging for [looks at watch] 16 days?!!??!?!?! Holy cats, that means a lot of strips to tear through in my traditional beginning-of-the-year comics recapping of the stuff I missed in the continuity strips. Let’s get to it!

Gil Thorp, 12/24/16

One of my favorite things about Gil Thorp is how Coach Thorp and Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp used to have two hideous children who appeared on their Christmas card with them, and now those children don’t appear on said Christmas card anymore and also anywhere else in the strip. What do you think is the most likely fate of the Thorplings?

• Died in tragic “accident”
• Sent away to boarding school, graduated three years ago but parents forgot to go pick them up
• Coach Kaz sent to the past to surreptitiously add birth control to the Thorps’ water supply, removing the children from the timestream altogether

Mary Worth, 12/24/16

Wilbur, meanwhile, in Antarctic exile and unaware that Iris has very quickly moved on, looks at the stars and takes solace that, despite the vast distance between them, he and his beloved are both under the same sky. They’re not, though! There are totally different constellations in the Southern Hemisphere. You have nothing in common anymore, Wilbur! Nothing!

Mary Worth, 12/25/16

Back at Charterstone, we get what I think is our first glimpse at the new art team’s rendition of Dr. Jeff and the Camerons. And it’s a doozy of an introduction! Dr. Jeff is wide-eyed in wonder and delight at the sight of the monochromatic Christmas ham Mary is presenting him with; meanwhile, the Camerons are celebrating the holiday in the traditional manner, by watching TV in the dark and feeding each other off of plates balanced precariously in their laps, an image that will haunt me (and, I presume, all of you) for years.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/25/16

Good news! Little Sarah finally woke up, possibly after being healed by baby Jesus!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/26/16

Bad news! Sarah has amnesia! Actually, if she ever gets called to testify against her erstwhile mob associates, that’s still good news.

Curtis, 12/27/16

By the way, despite last year’s brief return to form, Curtis honored its recent tradition by failing to honor its longer-established tradition and spinning an insane Kwanzaa fable, unless you consider this tale of urban real estate to the be the insanest Kwanzaa fable of all.

Dick Tracy, 12/29/16

New-look Dick Tracy continues to milk that comics nostalgia for all it’s worth, bringing the Spirit on for a guest spot and providing red-hot brightly-colored-hat-on-brightly-colored-hat action. Anyway, here’s Dick telling his counterpart that he’s a tool of the state, imposing the harsh order that a sullen citizenry secretly wants but could never bring itself to ask for.

Mary Worth, 12/30/16

Whoops! Iris is going to a concert with Zak and his millennial friends, and she overdressed! Like all people born in the early ’70s, Iris has never been to a so-called “rock and roll” show, and is unaware of the socially acceptable forms of dress at such events.

Mark Trail, 12/31/16

Hey, Mark, maybe you should wait until that boat gets to shore before you start bragging.

Mark Trail, 1/1/17

Or maybe the boat is going to get eaten by that nightmarish 30-foot-long gelatinous tube-thing? Ever think of that? That Cherry and Bill will have their nights haunted by the image of you being slowly digested by millions of microscopic mouths and the bill for the boat, respectively?

Mary Worth, 1/2/17

Back in Santa Royale, Zak likes that Iris dressed like an old lady at this concert, and is rewarding her with some erotic finger-touching.

Mark Trail, 1/3/17

Back in Kauai, Mark didn’t get Cal’s boat blown up or eaten at all, and Abbey is rewarding him with some erotic finger-touching.

Gil Thorp, 1/4/17

Oops, looks like we’ve learned why Aaron Aargard is so inconsistent: when he goes to all those warehouse raves, he’s totally high on drugs! According to this Three’s Company-style accidental overhearing of a partial conversation, anyway. It’s even money that “Molly” is actually his girlfriend, whose name is Molly.

Mary Worth and Mark Trail, 1/4/17

OH MY GOD THINGS ARE JUST GETTING MORE EROTIC! NEAR NOSE-TO-NOSE CONTACT! AWKWARD CAR HUGGING! I CAN’T BELEIVE THEY PRINT THIS STUFF IN THE NEWSPAPER WHERE CHILDREN COULD SEE IT, IF CHILDREN EVER LOOKED AT THE NEWSPAPER!

Mary Worth and Mark Trail, 1/5/17

Oops, never mind, Mark mentioned his wife and Iris was reminded that Wilbur exists, all eroticism has been aborted with extreme prejudice.

Judge Parker, 1/6/17

Oops, the mysteriously returned Sophie stumbled upon Sam’s crazy person conspiracy board! If she’s the know-it-all we all remember and love, she’s hopefully going to critique all the many ways he screwed this up. By the way, there are few large-font headlines I can think of that would be more hilarious that “VAN FOUND.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/6/17

OH NO, SARAH’S AMNESIA TOOK AWAY ALL OF HER ART SKILLS! She is working overtime to prove, to whoever might want to know, the cops or the FBI or the DA or whoever, that she doesn’t know anything about any mob ladies or any art forgers in the employ of said mob ladies, no sir.

Crankshaft, 1/6/17

Hey, remember how the young people in Crankshaft bought that old movie theater? Well, they’re having sex in it now. Young people! Is there anywhere they won’t have sex?

Anyway! I’m back and I’m blogging again and my 2017 resolution is the same as it always is: to keep writing jokes about the comics until they make me stop! Brace yourself for another fun year!

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Gil Thorp, 12/22/16

Ah yes, at last we’ve finally learned the Trouble With Aaron Aagard: he can’t focus on basketball or even stereotypical teenage refrigerator-rummaging because he obsessively searches for entertainment options online and then goes to warehouse raves or whatever. Gil isn’t worried, though, because this is one of the biggest teams they’ve had! It’s an enormous team, so they can put ten, twelve, fifteen players on the court at a time, overwhelming opponents with sheer numbers. Not sure why nobody thought of this strategy before!

Judge Parker, 12/22/16

Never mind these petty human interest stories, ladies! Can’t you see your own newscrawl? The rotting corpse of President Gerald Ford has risen from the grave and roams the land on a fresh, living horse! This can only be the first portent of global armageddon!

Mary Worth, 12/22/16

Ahh, yes, Wilbur’s finished his writing for the day and now it’s time for him to engage his imagination and indulge in some solo erot[my keyboard, computer, and cable modem simultaneously melt down in a desperate attempt to prevent me from finishing that sentence]

[I sign in with my phone]Those fingerless gloves he had on in yesterday’s strip should make the whole thing eas[the entire cell network for southern California goes up in flames in an act of species preservation]

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Mary Worth, 12/21/16

Ha! While Iris frolics with her boy-toy, look what’s become of Wilbur: he’s now a rugged, international man of action, pecking out the latest installment of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive!” belowdecks on some unheated tramp steamer, with only his faithful table lamp to keep him company. Sure, Iris, Zak may be aware that women can and should have orgasms, but would he put on fingerless gloves so he could heroically continue typing a syndicated newspaper column even when it’s cold? I think not!

Beetle Bailey, 12/21/16

There some clues here about what’s really happening in this strip. The endless void in the background, the way General Halftrack is lying back in his chair with his eyes half-closed, the fact that Miss Buxley has strangely gotten larger between the two panels: he’s dying, and not a moment too soon! Is his final moments, his brain is indulging his sexual gigantism fetish, the better to send him off into the hereafter.

Mark Trail, 12/21/16

Hey, were you worried about whether that island in Mark Trail was still blowing up? Well, here’s an update: It’s still blowing up. Stay tuned for further important developments in this exploding island story.

Six Chix, 12/21/16

It’s almost Christmas and you know what that means: Lots of jokes about Santa being horny!