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Mary Worth, 12/17/16

Look, Iris, you have every right to be excited about this date and its potentially sexy aftermath, but … just don’t go into it thinking that Zak is super smart or subtle, OK? Like, based on how enormous your eyes got in panel two, I assume you think “It’s good to try new things!” is code for “We’re gonna do all the sex stuff that’s been invented in the past 15 years that you’re going to enjoy very much and that Wilbur isn’t physically capable of!” But in fact I think he really just wants you to try to squid ink pasta. Trust me, when he wants to do sexy talk, there will be no confusion or ambiguity.

Pluggers, 12/17/16

A plugger has absolutely zero loyalty to his family, to his friends, or to his country. Donuts and muffins: these are all a plugger cares about. If you aren’t a donut or a muffin, you’re on your own.

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Mary Worth, 12/13/16

So Iris has gone off to explore her sexual destiny with young Zak, with Mary’s blessing. And though Mary’s had an adventure or three in recent years, we do need to remember that the most of the action in this strip happens to the people around Mary, and her own life is fairly quiet. Take today, for example: things are so dull she has to make her own fun by pausing in the middle of reading a sentence just to gin up a little drama, just for an instant, just in her mind.

Dick Tracy, 12/13/16

Sure, rabbi, God listens to prayer, even in a police questioning room … from everyone? I mean, it’s great if He listens to the prayers of an upstanding policeman for the health of his sick wife. But what about when some no-good hood prays for the strength to resist Dick Tracy’s brutal interrogation techniques? What about when a career criminal beseeches the Almighty to keep his rookie accomplice’s mouth shut as he’s being questioned in the next room? You’ve got to think this stuff through before you tell everybody!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/13/16

You know, I assumed that the Rex Morgan, M.D., gangster plot came to an abrupt end because the new writer wasn’t a fan of it. Now I know that it was just being held in reserve for this perfect moment. The dude who hit Sarah with his car because he was on his cell phone had better hope the police catch him, because Bugsy and Mrs. P. do not play.

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Mary Worth, 12/10/16

Earlier this week, Mary suggested that the idea that a woman shouldn’t date men significantly younger than them is outdated, sexist dogma — but it was important to analyze your emotional motivations before diving into a sexual relationship quickly after a breakup. Today, Iris muses that the factors that drive us aren’t always cut and dry, and to try to isolate the pure from the petty is fruitless and ultimately paralyzing. This is probably the most emotionally self-actualized Mary Worth storyline in human history, guys!

Marvin, 12/10/16

Speaking of emotional self-actualization, Marvin is still doing jokes about its various characters pissing on things, and frankly doesn’t give a damn what you think about it.

Beetle Bailey, 12/10/16

BREAKING: BEETLE BAILEY ACKNOWLEDGES THAT WOMEN HAVE SEXUAL AUTOMONY, FEMINISM DECLARES DEFINITIVE DEFEAT OF THE PATRIARCHY