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Beetle Bailey, 3/22/23

Miss Buxley’s baggy, shabby outfit today is going to disappoint both General Halftrack and the legions of Beetle Bailey fans who find “Miss Buxley Wednesday” to be a reliable means of getting off. Anyway, I definitely would like to see General Halftrack fumble his way through this conversation, asking “But wait, what happened to all your other clothes? Like the ones you were just wearing yesterday? The ones where you look like [swallows hard] you, uh, usually do?”

Mary Worth, 3/23/22

Oh, gosh, I guess Estelle was right to worry. Drinking beer straight from the bottle? We need the Santa Royale legal equivalent of a 5150 (a firm talking-to from Mary Worth), stat!

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Mary Worth, 3/19/23

It’s true and tragic that the veterinarians have higher than typical rates of death by suicide, and it’s also great that there’s a support group specifically targeted to them. But you have to admit that it’s very funny that Estelle has been blown off by a Ed after exactly two dates that were a year apart, and the conclusion she’s come to is “He’s probably avoiding me because he wants to kill himself.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/19/23

Am I little sad that we didn’t get several strips of Hank Jr. watching rambling hour-long YouTube videos of “cruise tips from an expert”? Am I disappointed that we weren’t treated to the several wrong turns he and Yvonne took on their journey to this cute little out-of-the-way eatery? Yes, of course. But just as it was designed to do, the carefully crafted narrative of this strip BLEW THOSE THOUGHTS OUT OF MY MIND in the final panel by teasing me with the prospects of who the last-minute musical guests are. Will one of them be “Mud Mountain Murphy?” Will his signature musical power move — pretending that he has to take a huge shit in order to move up in the order from opener to headliner — backfire spectacularly, during this cruise’s inevitable norovirus outbreak?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/19/23

This is actually a cunning move on Snuffy’s part. The pastor is about to wander onto the landholdnings of the Barlows, who don’t take kindly to being hit up for money, and Snuffy’s made sure that his clan rivals’ alibi isn’t going to hold up in court.

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Hi and Lois, 3/13/23

You know, I’ve often wondered how lovable disheveled loser Thirsty manages to hold down his job at Foofram Industries, but today we learn that by sheer force of not giving a shit he’s not only gainfully employed but has an office with a door and little desk sign that cheerfully proclaims his drinking problem to anyone who wanders in. Mr. Foofram is completely powerless against Thirsty’s utter lack of shame, and frankly a lot of us could take some pointers from him.

Dennis the Menace, 3/13/23

You know, “menacing” is communal process: it requires one party to behave in a potentially menacing fashion and another party to perceive those actions as menacing. So Dennis can trot this stuff out all he wants but if everyone is just going to titter indulgently, it’s not menacing. He’s clearly hoping for a theological escalation that he simply isn’t going to get at this drippy liberal Episcopalian parish his parents drag him to every week.

Gil Thorp, 3/13/23

Every team needs two kinds of assistant coaches: one who yells specific things you need to do, and another one that just yells general compliments. And thanks to their big fundraiser, the Mudlarks can now afford both, who hold down coaching duties on the sideline while Gil goes and takes a 25-minute “smoke break”.

Slylock Fox, 3/13/23

I love that, instead of drawing anything relevant to the logic puzzle he’s giving his class, Sly has just drawn an elaborately lifelike portrait of Count Weirdly on the whiteboard. “Blah blah fingerprints blah blah LOOK AT THIS FACE,” he says. “THIS FACE IS ALWAYS GUITLY. ONCE YOU SEE THE FACE JUST WORK YOUR WAY BACKWARDS TO SOMETHING VAGUELY PLAUSIBLE THEN LOCK HIM UP.”

Mary Worth, 3/13/23

“Your furry friends … [Mary pauses, then has a panicked thought that Wilbur and Dawn might have fursonas she doesn’t know about] … Pierre and Libby?”