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Crankshaft, 4/8/07

A while back, I suggested that the name of this strip be changed from Crankshaft to the somewhat wordier but more accurate Jesus Christ, Ed Crankshaft Is Such An Asshole. I now think it should be stretched out to Jesus Christ, Ed Crankshaft And All The Other People In This Strip, Who Are Associated With Him In Some Way That I’m Not Clear On Despite The Fact That I’ve Read It Daily For Years, Are All A Bunch Of Assholes. I know your mom is a difficult and crotchety old lady, but dude. I hope you didn’t tell this heartwarming little anecdote to her aide right in front of her.

Hi and Lois, 4/8/07

Meanwhile, it appears that Hi and Lois’ pastor is a dirty rotten filthy hippie. Liberals!

Mary Worth, 4/8/07

I keep hoping — and keep being dissapointed, but hope does spring eternal — that each new character that comes into this strip will finally be the one that allows the Charterstone Mafia to see themselves and evil, petty, self-absorbed individuals that they are. Sadly, we all know that Vera will submit to the will of Mary and allow herself to be meddled into self-actualization by Mary and her minions, but I’d like to believe that the sneering young man in the final panel is meant to represent us, the readers. “Wait … you don’t know? Just look at the three of you lined up there. Why wouldn’t she run?”

And a couple of one-off panels:

Panel from The Phantom, 4/8/07

Most of this week’s Sunday Phantom just treaded water after last week’s, with this well-dressed trio being hassled by the Presidential Security Dragoons, but it was all worth it to see this awesome final panel, in which one of those ubiquitous executive rolling suitcase turns out to be filled with SCARY BONES AND STUFF. One might wonder how exactly this made it through the x-ray machines that are compulsory at airports everywhere now (yes, even in Africa), though if the NEXT box is any indication, perhaps they just laughed it off by telling airport security, “Oh, it’s okay — I’m in the death trade.”

Panel from Cathy, 3/8/07

Dot-ack? Dot-ack? All right, I admit it: this is a Cathy in-joke, and I found it funny. I would be willing to petition ICANN to create a .ack top-level Internet domain, which would be dedicated to Cathy-related content.

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You know, faithful readers e-mail me stuff all the time, or post links to things in the comments, much of which I’d like to feature but often forget to. I’ve had a pile of stuff sitting in my in-box now for a while, so here’s a bunch of funny stuff all at once!

First off, there was some discussion in the comments a while back about a long-ago National Lampoon newspaper spoof that targeted several of our favorite strips. Faithful reader Moon Mullins dug out his copy, scanned the strips, and sent ’em to me, and I repost them here for your memory-lane-travelling-down needs:

Also, faithful reader commodorejohn mashed up two of our favorite targets in They’ll FOOB It Every Time:

And hey! Did someone say “wacky YouTube videos”? Here’s a couple that found their way to me. The first is a super-surreal film school project called Rex Morgan, M.D.: The Motion Picture:

The second, Protectors of the Earth, answers the long-standing question, “What if Mark Trail, Mary Worth, Rex Morgan, and Garfield were a crime-fighting team?”

On an actually sort of educational tip, if you’re fascinated by those uncanny spoof editorial cartoons in the Onion, you might be interested in this story, in which LA Times opinionista (and faithful reader) Tim Cavanaugh tracks down the artist.

And finally, a faithful reader known only as “J.” felt I should see this (he claims it’s been floating around the Internet forever), and so I share it with all of you. Happy Tuesday, everybody!

UPDATE: Faithful reader Sakurai also did this awesome TDIET spoof:

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Mary Worth, 4/1/07

Ah, a Charterstone pool party! Always a nexus of pettiness and backhanded sniping, and always an excellent opportunity for Professor Chinbeard to make an ass out of himself. Usually he achieves this goal by insulting people behind their backs or attacking those who dare to show an ounce of compassion for others, but he’s more than happy to blatantly ogle the troubled, mousy new girl in front of his wife if that’s what it takes. It’s a good thing he wore his sexiest rust-colored leisure suit and inky black shirt for the occasion!

It’s hard to know what’s going on in Vera’s head, since she’s so impossibly subdued and guarded, but I’m guessing it’s something like, “Yep, this is exactly what I was afraid this scene was going to be like.”

Mark Trail, 4/1/07

Meanwhile, Mark Trail is either very, very high, or about four years old. This is the only explanation I can offer for what we see here today. “Did you know … SUNSPOTS! They make … pretty girls in bikinis … and planes and dolphins and whales OUT OF CONTROL! And then the pelican made a big hurricane … WHOOOSH. That’s why we built this huge crystal rocket ship in Washington, D.C.! WE’RE GOING TO THE SUN TO FIGHT THE SUNSPOTS! HOORAY!”

The Phantom, 4/1/07

Hmm, it looks like “DePaul & Ryan,” who’ve been drawing the daily Phantom for a while now, have taken over the Sunday duties from Graham Nolan. It’s too bad, as I’ve been a fan of Nolan’s work in this setting, but now he’ll have more energy to lavish on June Morgan’s breasts (he’s the RMMD artist too). Anyway, today’s new adventure belies the notion that Bangalla is a happy, healthy post-colonial democracy. People walking with a suitcase at night, in the same neighborhood as the presidential palace? They must be … suspects! Some quality time down at the police station with a rubber hose will loosen their tongues and establish exactly why we should be suspicious of them!

Also today, a couple of throwaway panels of note:

Panel from For Better Or For Worse, 4/1/07

If you looked at this in your paper today and recoiled in horror but then consoled yourself by saying, “Well, at least nobody recorded this and then uploaded the MP3 to the official FBOFW site,” then I’m about to shatter your world of complacency into countless shards of anguish (note: don’t click this link unless you want to explain to anyone within earshot why you’re listening to FBOFW-themed “rock” music).

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 4/1/07

It may not be menacing as such, but it’s at least a little disturbing to see Joey and Dennis contemplate the tempting target that is Mr. Wilson’s enormous ass.