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Judge Parker, 9/3/20

Oh c’mon people, this show should obviously and entirely be about April Bowers-Parker. Norton is comic relief, Godiva’s dead foot showed up in one frame, and her vengeance-crazed Austrian producer/druglord/CIA-stooge boyfriend didn’t even rate a name. Neddy? Two lines and a Supporting Cast credit as “Entitled Girl,” best case.

And don’t forget that Neddy and Ronnie rewrote the script to April’s specifications at gunpoint. April put “her truth … her life” in Neddy’s hands, demanded Neddy not disappoint her, and threatened murder if the studio made revisions to the script. So if this doesn’t turn out to be April’s story, Neddy’s gonna die, ’cause April’s nuts, yo. All in all, pretty terrific television!

But does any of this matter to Neddy? Nope. I wouldn’t even be surprised to see her set up a hit of her own, to stop more interesting people from stealing all that sweet attention.

Beetle Bailey, 9/3/20

I’m delighted to learn Mort Walker isn’t really dead, but alarmed that his human form is being eradicated line by line in some afterlife purgatorium while his creatures grin and wave.

Phantom, 9/3/20

One of my least favorite Spider-Man and Silver Age Superman tropes is the Secret Identity Crisis, as in: “Oh Jeez, somebody took a photo of me rescuing a bunch of Burmese kids and now they want to make a stamp out of the photo and when they postmark the stamp the O’s in “Rangoon” will frame my eyes like glasses and everybody will realize I’m Clark Kent!” But I think the Walkers have legitimate grounds for concern here. Kadia Sahara knows that Heloise’s Dad is a mysterious well-built guy who never shows his eyes, is good at heroics, and is in with Bangalla’s President. Mom Imara has seen — in and out of costume — a mysterious well-built guy who never shows his eyes, is good at heroics, and can be reached by mailing a letter to the Walkers. Connect the dots, Saharas!

And Walkers, change either that “Ghost Who Walks” tagline or your family name: “The Schwimmers” has a nice ring to it!

Hello, faithful readers! I’m letting Josh out of quarantine for a well-deserved break through Sunday the 13th; reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have any problems with the site.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 8/26/20

Like every good (?) Mary Worth story, the tale of Madi was pretty neatly wrapped up last week but is still going to keep happening for another week or maybe more, who can say, until we’re truly begging for whatever non-adventure they have lined up next. Anyway, do you think Mary’s going to stay in touch with yet another child who spent a summer hanging out with her? Mary did keep up with her wee pal Olive and even visited her in the big apple, but only because Olive was the anointed one who could predict the future, and I’m pretty sure Madi’s secret banana bread recipe knowledge can’t really compare with that.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/26/20

Gotta admire Rene for using a good old fashioned pen to keep track of his victims’ bank account info rather than saving it in a COMPUTER where the FBI can find it and use it as evidence in his trial. Now, is he using his own phone to make these calls, which will therefore be easily traced back to him? Yes, yes he is. But he’s on the right track, and you gotta respect his hustle.

The Phantom, 8/26/20

This nice lady “doesn’t see race”! It’s actually serious psychological and medical condition that makes it difficult for her to fully parse interpersonal relationships and social dynamics.

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Mary Worth, 8/22/20

Hmm, is this Mary Worth storyline wrapping up? Well, Madi is sitting up straight, making direct eye contact with the reader, and outlining the positive life goals she’s developed for herself, so all signs point to yes! Apparently all you need to cure a young girl’s grief is to listen to her with an open heart and show her that no matter how badly off she is, at least she’s smarter than Toby.

Pluggers, 8/22/20

Speaking of wrapping up, it’s time for longtime chief plugger Gary Brookins to retire from his work on Pluggers. The strip, along with the very notion of pluggerdom, will continue under Rick McKee, so keep sending in those suggestions, folks, we know you want to. Anyway, Gary handed over the keys to the hallowed AOL address to Rick, and he’s decamped over to Instagram, because he’s a god-damned influencer now. See ya, suckers!

The Phantom, 8/22/20

Yes, Bangalla is a thriving post-colonial democracy, with a vibrant economy in which all it takes to get a good-paying job is a personal relationship with the head of the local government-backed paramilitary force, who in turn takes orders from the mysterious, anonymous warlord who holds sway over the nation’s president and operates outside the structures of any democratically responsible institution!