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Beetle Bailey, 5/16/07

I’m pretty sure I don’t get this. Is it supposed to be funny that General Halftrack is all excited about his “fan club,” only to find to his disappointment that it consists of a single person? But really, wouldn’t having someone form a fan club composed only of himself still be kind of flattering? It would have at least made sense in the context of the Beetle Bailey milieu if the “General Halftrack fan club” had been founded by Lt. Fuzz as another outlet for his loathsome sycophancy, but adding a third panel in which the towheaded kissup actually appeared would have apparently required too much additional painstaking detail work on the background to make it worthwhile.

Kudzu, 5/16/07

Ha ha! Man, Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson only broke up, what, six months ago? How do these guys come up with zingers like these so quickly?

Judge Parker, 5/16/07

Wait, I knew that the Cabots were rich, but … Cabot Island? “Oh, it’s just a little place … they used to call it ‘Sicily’ before we bought it.”

By the way, Roger, I don’t care if you do you own your own island, no man with a mullet as stringy as yours should wipe his mouth with a napkin that daintily. It’s just against the natural order of things.

Mark Trail, 5/16/07

Man, I sure hope panel two gives us a hint about the Wicked Commissioners’ secret airport bird-attraction scheme: they’re going to regurgitate worms and grubs all over the runway in a bid to woo their feathered friends and disrupt air traffic! That’s why the dude’s taking his jacket off in the final panel. You don’t want to get half-digested larvae all over your nice suit.

Phantom, 5/16/07

Oh, by the way, the Phantom has started a new storyline that involves bickering wealthy white people on a huge yacht. And thank goodness for that, really, because the other serial comics have been terribly neglectful of the dramatic possibilities that could be built around money and the dilettantes who squabble over it.

Gil Thorp, 5/16/07

I had some kind of juvenile “pitcher/catcher” joke ready to go here, but then I realized that nothing I could say about this strip could possibly top Dean Booth’s take on it.

Ziggy, 5/16/07

THIS COMIC HURTS MY SOUL.

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Crankshaft, 4/8/07

A while back, I suggested that the name of this strip be changed from Crankshaft to the somewhat wordier but more accurate Jesus Christ, Ed Crankshaft Is Such An Asshole. I now think it should be stretched out to Jesus Christ, Ed Crankshaft And All The Other People In This Strip, Who Are Associated With Him In Some Way That I’m Not Clear On Despite The Fact That I’ve Read It Daily For Years, Are All A Bunch Of Assholes. I know your mom is a difficult and crotchety old lady, but dude. I hope you didn’t tell this heartwarming little anecdote to her aide right in front of her.

Hi and Lois, 4/8/07

Meanwhile, it appears that Hi and Lois’ pastor is a dirty rotten filthy hippie. Liberals!

Mary Worth, 4/8/07

I keep hoping — and keep being dissapointed, but hope does spring eternal — that each new character that comes into this strip will finally be the one that allows the Charterstone Mafia to see themselves and evil, petty, self-absorbed individuals that they are. Sadly, we all know that Vera will submit to the will of Mary and allow herself to be meddled into self-actualization by Mary and her minions, but I’d like to believe that the sneering young man in the final panel is meant to represent us, the readers. “Wait … you don’t know? Just look at the three of you lined up there. Why wouldn’t she run?”

And a couple of one-off panels:

Panel from The Phantom, 4/8/07

Most of this week’s Sunday Phantom just treaded water after last week’s, with this well-dressed trio being hassled by the Presidential Security Dragoons, but it was all worth it to see this awesome final panel, in which one of those ubiquitous executive rolling suitcase turns out to be filled with SCARY BONES AND STUFF. One might wonder how exactly this made it through the x-ray machines that are compulsory at airports everywhere now (yes, even in Africa), though if the NEXT box is any indication, perhaps they just laughed it off by telling airport security, “Oh, it’s okay — I’m in the death trade.”

Panel from Cathy, 3/8/07

Dot-ack? Dot-ack? All right, I admit it: this is a Cathy in-joke, and I found it funny. I would be willing to petition ICANN to create a .ack top-level Internet domain, which would be dedicated to Cathy-related content.

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Apartment 3-G, 4/2/07

In part one of Soap Opera Strips I Haven’t Been Discussing Because They Have Been Boring To Me, Apartment 3-G’s interminable Lu Ann vs. Ghost Albert Pinkham Ryder storyline has been boring to me. There’s been days and days and days of crap exactly like the above, and yet none of it has advanced the plot a single iota. I have grabbed onto a shred of hope that the final panel here represents the possibility of some kind of resolution, as the dialogue would surely point to a murder-suicide scenario if one of the interlocutors weren’t already dead.

How long in strip time has Lu Ann been holed up in her paint-huffing paradise? It seems like months, which means that Tommie and Margo should jointly win the Worst Roommates In New York, Self-Absorbed Division. Shouldn’t Margo at least be concerned that Lu Ann has secretly accompanied Eric on his business trip for sexin’ purposes or something?

The Phantom, 4/2/07

In part two of Soap Opera Strips I Haven’t Been Discussing Because They Have Been Boring To Me, The Phantom’s interminable Old Man Mozz Is A Hostage To Bank Robbers storyline has been boring to me. There’s been a lot of fleeing bank robber dude, a lot of Phantom mind games, and way, way too much of Mozz’s gnomic, infuriatingly vague pronouncement. It appears that the Ghost Who’s Good With Knots is as bored with the diminutive sage’s blather as we are, but I do think that lynching him is a bit harsh.

Pluggers, 4/2/07

You know, I am in touch with my inner plugger enough to admit that I get some lower back twinges now and again myself, and I will say that, even on my back’s worst days, if I had to choose between bending over, and, say, allowing a heavy can to fall from above my head and bounce off of not one but both of my nipples — well, let’s just say that I’ve become quite adept at bending at the knees when need be. Admittedly, I don’t have the luxuriant man-boobs this plugger is sporting, but that’s gonna bruise.

Dennis the Menace, 4/2/07

Hmm, destroying your parents’ marriage by well-timed and almost imperceptible acts of psychological guerilla warfare? There might be hope for you yet, young menace. Well played.

Mark Trail, 4/2/07

Please be Dan’s corpse. Please be Dan’s corpse. Please be Dan’s corpse.