Post Content

Judge Parker, 8/27/11

The Judge Parker cast is so uniformly and repulsively wealthy — look, Sam and Abbey are walking past the enormous pillars on the front of their house, built to a scale previously only seen on the palaces of the most decadent Roman emperors, and are trying to figure out something pointless they can buy with the yet more money that’s being thrown at them — that the only reason I can keep from hating them utterly is because I’m amused by their sexlessness. Oh, it may look as if Abbey is going to successfully woo Sam up her giant dominatrix staircase and have her way with him, but don’t worry, someone will pass out or something, maybe because of the fumes coming off all the freshly printed $100 bills that they have lying around.

Mary Worth, 8/27/11

Mary of course hates and fears the Internet, which will stop her from offering Gina the most obvious piece of advice for her situation, which is of course that she should look her dumb old childhood sweetheart up on the Internet to find out if he’s single or not. “That certainly is a tragic story, dear. Say, why don’t you call up that gentleman who gave you his phone number the other day? He doesn’t seem like an unrepentant sex offender.”

Pluggers, 8/27/11

Pluggers wouldn’t dare disobey their corporate masters, but they sure seem to piss off their wives a lot.

Hey, everyone, I’m out of town for a brief break — Sunday and Monday comics will go up Monday evening sometime.

Post Content

Luann, 8/5/11

As promised (threatened?), Brad’s sexual harassment at the hands of sexy sex predator Anne Eiffel is now underway. This plotline will drive home the fact that sexual harassment is about abuse of power, not eroticism, because honestly, who would think erotic thoughts about Brad, especially in his little bow tie, it’s distasteful.

Also, aren’t Brad and Toni, like, really, officially a couple? Why can’t Brad bring himself to say she’s his girlfriend? Do you get fired for having a girlfriend, when you’re a member of Anne’s harem? KNOW YOUR RIGHTS, BRAD!

Hi and Lois, 8/5/11

Speaking of sexual harassment, I can’t really decide what the significance of this romantically forward fellow’s bizarre hairstyle and mustache is supposed to be. Is he a sleazy disco-era dude? A libidinous ethnic? Either way, it seems that the sexlessness of Hi and Lois’s marriage has not worked out as much in his favor as he might have hoped.

Pluggers, 8/5/11

Ha ha, don’t worry, pluggers, I don’t think there’s much danger of you suffering from a Ph.D.!

Post Content

Six Chix, 7/29/11

I used to think that the life of a retired male thoroughbred horse — left to spend your time at leisure on a nice farm, with occasional sexy times with lady horses — seemed pretty sweet. Then I found out that thoroughbred horse semen is far too valuable to waste on a single lady horse per ejaculation, and so the studs have to get it on with a fake horse that encloses an elaborate semen-harvesting apparatus, with said semen shipped across the country to dozens of lady horses whom the male horses never get to meet. What I’m trying to say is that these two horses should probably count their blessings, unless the brown horse is in fact a particularly well designed piece of semen-harvesting apparatus.

Mark Trail, 7/29/11

Oh man, oh man. Is Mark going to punch a swan, more in sorrow than in anger? Is he going to get his pretty face all pecked? We’re only like two days into this plot and it’s already 20 times funnier than anything that’s happened in the last five years that didn’t involve Rusty getting trapped under a car.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/29/11

Your hilarious, whimsical comic of the day, everybody! I will cheerfully cop to being afraid of death, for whatever that’s worth.

Pluggers, 7/29/11

“Plugger Yelp” is when one plugger addresses another with awkward slang terms that nobody ever uses, and receives a reply that consists of unintelligible animal noises.