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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/23/20

Folks, I try to keep you appraised of the deep lore of these strips, but where I fail you, my faithful commenters and your favorite guest blogger Uncle Lumpy will pick up the slack. This stern, mysterious crone who demands that Rex take a mate isn’t just any old lady; she’s Melissa Claridge, who, as Uncle Lumpy explained in a 2012 post, insisted that Rex and June couple up back in the ’70s in first iteration of this storyline in the strip, and also, uh, used to slap around her niece, I guess.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/16/71

She had considerably mellowed by 2012, and had set off a wacky adventure by asking Rex and June to check in on her San Diego condo, which turned out to be full of strippers with hearts of gold. Anyway, she’s back here in her earlier guise, and if she slaps Rex into submission in order to make this love connection happen, I’m not gonna complain.

The Lockhorns, 7/23/20

I’m sure this is just a “ha ha, Leroy hates Loretta’s family” joke, but I’m reasonably sure we’ve never heard about any of the Lockhorns’ relatives before other than Loretta’s hated mother, so another thing I wouldn’t complain about is if she really does have a brother who’s a criminal, and the focus of this strip eventually shifts from Leroy and Loretta’s petty, tiresome domestic squabbles and towards this mysterious brother’s exciting crimes.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/20/20

Ha ha, I assumed this lady was a well-known hospital volunteer or something, but it turns out she’s just a mysterious stranger who’s berating Rex about his romantic ineptitude while he just has to sit there and squirm. Can anyone else even see her? Hey, wait — this is still June’s version of the story — is this her fantasy of why Rex finally gave in and admitted his love for her? The psychosexual dynamics of their marriage are more twisted than even I imagined.

Mark Trail, 7/20/20

Oh ho, it looks like Cherry is about to suggest that this entertainment industry power couple, who are used to five-star accommodations wherever they go, should stay at the Trail family’s rustic cabin! This can only be a prelude to her asking them to swing, which for Cherry means cornering them when Mark is isn’t paying attention and asking them, in an intense whisper, what sex is like. They’re “Hollywood people,” so they’ve probably done sex, right? Anyway, they’re both visibly cringing away from Cherry’s question in panel three, for obvious reasons.

Pluggers, 7/20/20

The joke here is that this plugger spends every dinner mournfully eating the meals his wife prepares for him and dreaming of his mother’s superior cooking, and it doesn’t matter what she makes because she’ll never be good enough, but after years of therapy and two near-divorces he knows better than to verbalize this now, right? This is a “Pluggers Classic” and I swear I commented on it before but I couldn’t find it in my archives, so this may be a repeat joke, but my search wasn’t totally wasted because I found more evidence of the mommy issues that are tearing this mismatched bear-kangaroo couple apart.

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Zits, 7/18/20

Zits has been doing this mildly funny thing all week where various characters in or ostensible creative personnel behind the strip have been absent because they’re “on furlough” (ha ha, it’s funny because the world is in an economic crisis leading to widespread mandatory underemployment!), but today’s edition took, for one brief panel, a turn for the horny! But that wasn’t just restricted to Zits: there’s a real epidemic of horniness in today’s funny pages.

Beetle Bailey, 7/18/20

The “Halftracks hate each other” Beetle Bailey strips have done angry horny before, but this is a particularly egregious example. I think what really makes it is not that Mrs. Halftrack has hired some shirtless himbo to bring her liquor as she sits in her poolless back yard, and not even that General Halftrack is staring at her out the window; it’s that Major Greenbrass, the General’s subordinate and golf partner (I hesitate to say “friend”) has been roped into the ugly scene, much against his will.

Blondie, 7/18/20

Blondie is also extremely horny today, though it takes great pains to emphasize that this horniness takes places entirely within the boundaries of normative suburban heterosexual monogamy. I can’t put a finger on why, but I find the idea of Dagwood going all ahWOOga after seeing his wife’s hot bod while wearing a tan polo shirt tucked into black khaki shorts particularly distasteful.

The Lockhorns, 7/18/20

Today’s Lockhorns isn’t horny per se, but seeing Leroy angry because this movie isn’t arousing him the way he wants it to is at least horny-adjacent.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/18/20

A stern, mysterious old woman, dressed all in black, ordering Rex to follow her detailed instructions if he wants to win June’s affections? That’s so not horny that I think it’s looped all the way back around to horny again.