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Mary Worth, 2/14/17

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYBODY! The romance addicts over at Mary Worth are celebrating this very special holiday of romantic love by, uh, having one of its characters bawl her eyes out because she just dumped her hot young boyfriend for no good reason. My favorite thing about this strip is that Mary counseled Iris not once but twice on this issue, coming down on the side of “Yeah, you should definitely date a hot young guy if that feels right to you,” and yet seems to have no idea who Iris might be talking about in panel one. Look, Mary is busy, OK? Mary is dealing with someone keeps writing the same letter to Ask Wendy over and over and over again; she can’t be expected to keep track of which hot young dudes her neighbors may or may not be currently fucking.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/14/17

Rex Morgan is still spinning a tale about selling old horror comics at Comic-Con, which, boring, but I guess the strip remembered it’s supposed to do medical stuff at least occasionally? So, here it is: red-hot dehydration action! You’ll beg for more old horror comics sales!

Funky Winkerbean, 2/14/17

Funky spent all last week at his lawyer’s office making out his will and spiraling into endless anxiety about his upcoming death. Today he learned exactly how he’s going to meet his demise: he accidentally let his driver’s license expire, so the DMV is going to murder him. Not a moment too soon, in my opinion!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/2/17

[looks around anxiously] “Did you hear me? The Morgans are the real heroes here!” [speaking more loudly] “The Morgans! They’re the source of all good in our lives, and in the world! All hail the Morgans! They’re listening right now! [shouting now, really] I WOULD DIE FOR YOU, REX AND JUNE”

Funky Winkerbean, 2/2/17

Remember, kids, you only get to dodge death so many times, and you won’t know the day when your luck runs out until it arrives! Today’s Funky Winkerbean is extremely on brand.

The Phantom, 2/2/17

I may fail to keep you up to date on all the Phantom’s plotlines, but I promise you this: I will never, ever neglect to tell you about a strip that features a lovingly drawn closeup of the Phantom’s ass.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/23/17

Oh yeah, right, the artist of those smutty comic books Rex found under his floorboards, for whom Buck is serving as an agent, is real real old! I certainly hope Buck is running a Weekend At Bernie’s-style scam for this book tour, and that whopper of a check he just handed Rex was a bribe to make sure that the good doctor certifies Hank Sr. as “just resting his eyelids.”

Mary Worth, 1/23/17

Wouldn’t it be great if this conversation just kept going on with misunderstandings that make Zak feel like Iris condescending to him as a young person?

“Heh heh … no, Zak, I was just quoting Bogie!”

“Bogie? Isn’t that a golf term? You’re making fun of me because I don’t play golf, like some guy your age would?”

“No, he’s a film actor…”

“Oh, you like films, huh? I suppose I can’t appreciate that because I’m too young to remember a day before movies were shot digitally, and also I can’t sit still in a theater for two hours without looking at my phone?”

“No, Zak, the movie’s called Casablanca…”

“In Morocco? You know I haven’t travelled to Africa! I’m not worldly the way … the way Wilbur is!” [sobs]

Dennis the Menace, 1/23/17

Dennis plans to opt out of the entire economic structure of our society. Menace level: very high.