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Funky Winkerbean, 3/16/20

“Ha ha, get it? His name is Les Moore, which is sort of a play on words? Anyway, long story short, your father maybe forgot you were coming home from college or maybe just didn’t care and definitely didn’t bother telling you about his big trip! So glad I married into this close, loving family.”

Crankshaft, 3/16/20

Trust me, Lillian, I know exactly what a podcast is, and I can tell you that it isn’t exciting at all.

Family Circus, 3/16/20

I apologize for implying last week that there were Freudian implications to Little Billy’s ongoing cartoon torture of his father. In fact, as the panel I highlighted then and today’s panel both demonstrate, he’s drawing on the Jungian archetypes that are ingrained in our folk memory and appear in the dark fairy tales our ancestors used to terrify their children.

The Lockhorns, 3/16/20

Amazing: the multi-month lead time in comics publishing has transformed Leroy from a cheapskate who never takes his wife anywhere nice to a true hero of public health! (Well, strictly speaking, he should be ordering delivery, but still, this is better than flying directly into a quarantine.)

Six Chix, 3/16/20

Looks like scientists have finally designed an artificial intelligence that can beat human players at poker … and it’s [record scratch] A WOMAN??? You go, girlfriend! Get that paper! [snaps fingers supportively]

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Mary Worth, 2/25/20

Remember, folks: Mary is never not being passive aggressive, and while normally we’d expect something sarcastic about what a shitty job Dawn did on the scarf, as near as I can tell she actually did a pretty good job on the scarf, so Mary’s got to take a different tack. Personally, I would’ve gone with “How lovely, and such a wonderful gift for me, an inhabitant of Southern California, where it’s almost always warm,” but Mary is upping her game and apparently implying that knitting is a great outlet for your sexual energy now that you’re not able to spend all your time fornicating, an activity that frankly is quite audible through the regrettably thin Charterstone walls, dear.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/25/20

Oh, huh, I guess yesterday’s Funky Winkerbean literally didn’t have a joke at all, but rather just existed to set up today’s “joke,” which is that Funky missed the exciting overtime period in the basketball game, because he stepped out of the living room just long enough to pour some hot chocolate. This seems odd, since both NBA and NCAA basketball overtime periods last a full five minutes of playing time — and obviously longer in real time — so we have to ask: does Funky Winkerbean think basketball overtime is played as sudden death, with the first team scoring winning? Have they set up possibly a full week of jokes predicated on a misunderstanding about the very thing they’re joking about? Stay tuned!

Six Chix, 2/25/20

Are Christians more likely to pray around Christmas? Or is the implication here that this lady is praying to Santa?

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Mary Worth, 2/20/20

So it’s been established that Dawn and Jared haven’t actually seen each other for two years in in-universe time, but Jared’s clearly ready to just jump right back into their relationship as it was, which is to say that he’ll hint very broadly and transparently that he wants to sleep with her and she’ll refuse to acknowledge it. Normally trying to interpret the tone of voice the random bolding in Mary Worth represents is a fruitless task, but I sincerely hope that Dawn here is responding to Jared telling her she’s “looking great” by shouting “I’m missing my BOYFRIEND in FRANCE” as loudly as she possibly can.

Blondie, 2/20/20

It bothers me so much that Dagwood’s interlocutor drops his son’s name in panel one and it never becomes relevant to the joke at all. If you’re trying to do just a general slam on Kids Today with their Phones And Such, you should at least spell it “Jaxon.” Instead, I’m forced to assume this strip is meant as a dig against a specific Jackson in the joke writer’s real life, proving once again that syndicated newspaper comics may have lost their cultural relevance, but they’re still great as a venue where you can air out your petty beefs.

Six Chix, 2/20/20

I’m pretty sure most people would refer to getting up in the middle of the night to have a light meal as a “midnight snack.” “Night eating” sounds clinically detached and honestly horrifying, like something an alien anthropologist would include in its report back to its homeworld on the strange behavior of planet “Earth”‘s dominant species. What I’m trying to say is that if Six Chix was trying to come up with a phrase that made “nunch” sound appealing in comparison, then congrats, they pulled it off.

Mark Trail, 2/20/20

“Or maybe, because we’re apparently about to leave with all camping gear, climbing equipment, sherpa guides, and medical supplies, leaving Harvey, a diabetic amputee, alone on a Himalayan mountainside, he’ll die of exposure in fairly short order. Who’s to say? Life is a mystery!”