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Six Chix, 9/15/17

My occasionally achy body, my bifocals, and the act of subtracting 1974 from the current year all conspire to inform me that I am indisputably in my middle age. This happens to all of us, if we’re lucky; my main goal as an increasingly older person is to not be so out of touch with young people that my image of them becomes completely divorced from any plausible reality. Like, young people, ha ha! Always with the writing their own vows, and the non-monogamy, and the “Is this, like, a hypothetical?” catchphrase that they probably got from Gossip Girl or rap music! You know? Not virtuous, like we were when we were young!

Pluggers, 9/15/17

On this topic, I am reasonably certain that there’s at least one Pluggers panel from the mid-’00s that features an irritated manimal being technologically overwhelmed by having to deal with a then-state-of-the-art device that we would only now anachronistically call a “flip phone.” Time makes pluggers of us all, is what I’m saying.

Blondie, 9/15/17

As the parents of teens, one would expect Blondie and Dagwood to be in their mid-50s at the high end and perhaps as young as 40, so the idea that Dagwood finds omnipresent technology like tablets or smartphones baffling rings false. I do 100% approve of his decision, between panels two and three, to theatrically turn his pockets inside out. That’s the kind of solid commitment to shtick that really keep a marriage lively!

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Blondie, 8/31/17

OK, let’s pass over the “joke” of this strip, which is … I’m actually not sure, but I think it’s that Dagwood gave himself permission to gorge at a fancy (?) French (??) restaurant because of this costumed tout’s sob story. Let’s linger for a moment over “That must be a fun gig! Getting paid to wear a duck suit!” Like, he’s a little too into it, you know, and it makes me wonder if he’s secretly [GOOGLES “FURRIES BUT FOR BIRDS”][IMMEDIATELY REGRETS IT][NEVERTHELESS READS THE SECTION OF THE AVIAN ARTICLE ON WIKIFUR ABOUT VARIOUS TECHNIQUES FOR ANTHROPOMORPHIZING BIRD WINGS][BEGINS TO WONDER IF DAGWOOD’S BIZARRELY LONG THIGHS AND WEIRD BENT-KNEED GAIT ATTRACTS HIM TO DIGITGRADE SPECIES][HOW DEEP DOES THIS RABBIT HOLE GO][EXCEPT I GUESS IT’D BE A DUCK BLIND][OK LET’S JUST CALL THIS WHOLE THING OFF NOW]

Dennis the Menace, 8/31/17

Uhhh HEY Dennis the Menace, let’s have less of Dennis’s darndest-things-saying/fat-shaming and more of the backstory of why Mr. Wilson is still painfully hung over in what I assume is the middle of the afternoon???

Six Chix, 8/31/17

WHAT IS THAT DOOR ATTACHED TO

IN WHICH DIRECTION DOES IT “CLOSE”

WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS GOING ON HERE

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Judge Parker, 8/30/17

Oh, hey, Judge Parker, what’s been going on with you? Well it turns out April stopped by to leave an explanatory video where she explained that a group of her fellow CIA agents tricked her into unwittingly becoming a rogue agent, so now she’s on the run from everybody, but meanwhile she spirited her daughter away to her sketchy-ass and now mysteriously ruddy dad, who’s now had quite enough of the grandchild-raising and is dumping the kid on Judge Parker Emeritus, who has to raise her in Secret. The real weak link in that plan is Trophy Wife Number [DATA CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE] Katherine Parker, who is notoriously stepgrandchild hungry and who may be physically unable to stop herself from sharing photos on social media, thus getting April, Randy, and everyone else blessedly killed.

Mary Worth, 8/30/17

So I guess Mary Worth is committed to going the “he’s a genuinely nice person who only propositioned Dawn the one time and truly cares about her well-being” route with Jared, even as they layer on the “oh also he’s a loser nerd” signifiers. It’s nice to see a loving cat dad portrayed in a positive manner in mass media, of course, and I’m glad the ubiquitous Food Shapes In Varying Earth Tones meals so popular in Santa Royale are available in microwaveable dinners for one. But, I gotta say: that window display? With some of the most mainstream Star Wars characters on offer? A real fan would have a Bib Fortuna, Jek Porkins, and R5D4 up there. This guy smells like a fake geek boy to me.

Six Chix, 8/30/17

Nice try, doc, but the radiant light suffusing heaven is emitted from an omnibenevolent deity and can’t possibly include damaging ultraviolet radiation. You know what can burn human flesh, though? Hellfire. Your husband went to hell, lady.

Marvin, 8/30/17

In today’s Marvin, we learn that the title character’s sandbox is so thoroughly soaked with piss that it can support semi-aquatic fauna!