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Judge Parker, 8/30/17

Oh, hey, Judge Parker, what’s been going on with you? Well it turns out April stopped by to leave an explanatory video where she explained that a group of her fellow CIA agents tricked her into unwittingly becoming a rogue agent, so now she’s on the run from everybody, but meanwhile she spirited her daughter away to her sketchy-ass and now mysteriously ruddy dad, who’s now had quite enough of the grandchild-raising and is dumping the kid on Judge Parker Emeritus, who has to raise her in Secret. The real weak link in that plan is Trophy Wife Number [DATA CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE] Katherine Parker, who is notoriously stepgrandchild hungry and who may be physically unable to stop herself from sharing photos on social media, thus getting April, Randy, and everyone else blessedly killed.

Mary Worth, 8/30/17

So I guess Mary Worth is committed to going the “he’s a genuinely nice person who only propositioned Dawn the one time and truly cares about her well-being” route with Jared, even as they layer on the “oh also he’s a loser nerd” signifiers. It’s nice to see a loving cat dad portrayed in a positive manner in mass media, of course, and I’m glad the ubiquitous Food Shapes In Varying Earth Tones meals so popular in Santa Royale are available in microwaveable dinners for one. But, I gotta say: that window display? With some of the most mainstream Star Wars characters on offer? A real fan would have a Bib Fortuna, Jek Porkins, and R5D4 up there. This guy smells like a fake geek boy to me.

Six Chix, 8/30/17

Nice try, doc, but the radiant light suffusing heaven is emitted from an omnibenevolent deity and can’t possibly include damaging ultraviolet radiation. You know what can burn human flesh, though? Hellfire. Your husband went to hell, lady.

Marvin, 8/30/17

In today’s Marvin, we learn that the title character’s sandbox is so thoroughly soaked with piss that it can support semi-aquatic fauna!

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Gil Thorp, 8/12/17

“Or maybe I’ve got that backward! Maybe, I wish basketball … coached her!” Or … right? Not sure what that means, and I’m also hoping pretty hard that it doesn’t mean that Jaquan has taken a liking to Heather, what with him being like 31 and her being in high school and all.

Panel two is yet another egregious colorist error, what with Trey being assigned Jaquan’s skin and jacket color in panel two despite the fact that he literally says Jaquan’s name in his dialogue. Then again, Jaquan’s right eye is also being swallowed up by his skintone in the final panel. Perhaps the very nature of the reality of the Thorpiverse is glitching, and everyone is about to find themselves swallowed up in sea of pleasing burnt umber.

Crock, 8/12/17

Hey, kids, don’t give up if the mysteries you submit to Slylock Fox get rejected! They can still use them in Crock, apparently?

Hi and Lois, 8/12/17

Like many teenage boys, Chip has little by way of sexual experience or skills, and his partners rarely achieve orgasm during their encounters.

Six Chix, 8/12/17

Today’s lesson from Six Chix: little kids are assholes!

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Crankshaft, 7/27/17

Much of the “humor” of Crankshaft, arises from the title character saying English words or phrases that do not actually mean what he intends them to mean, of course, but I admit to being genuinely baffled by why he’s grumpily lobbing the phrase “old-timers” at this intergenerational sex awkwardness. My best guess is that he’s mocking his daughter and son-in-law for fondly remembering a youth in which some light boob-touching in a movie theater was considered an highly anticipated erotic act, since he now uses the family computer and his copious free time to mainline the most depraved pornography humankind has ever produced.

Beetle Bailey, 7/27/17

Shoutout to this nurse for being an ally to his female comrade who was hounded out of her duties by Killer’s nonstop sexual harassment. That’s the face of a man who’s definitely going to be upping the frequency of some invasive but necessary medical examinations.

Spider-Man, 7/27/17

God help me, the second panel of today’s Newspaper Spider-Man filled me with pure unalloyed joy. The best part is that Spidey stage-whispering while peeking around a corner to get Mole-Man’s attention out here in the empty hall for no particular reason, but I also enjoy the fact that my dude has convinced everyone start calling him “Melvin” but Peter knows that, while in his absurd Spidey persona, he needs to call him “Mole-Man,” in order to keep this whole outlandish superheroics farce going.

Six Chix, 7/27/17

[Begins writing an angry 3,000-world screed about Federal Railroad Administration regs and union contract stipulations about staffing on commuter trains, to be sent to the editor of every single newspaper that runs Six Chix]