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Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/19/21

I initially assumed the solution to this mystery would be animal fact based: bears really do eat salmon and raccoons really do eat lobsters, so the wolf would only get theatrically excited about oysters as part of his criminal middleman routine. But the “strongest alibi” bit truly gets into the Orwellian mindfuck that is life in Slylock’s Forest Kingdom, where you can be immediately found guilty not despite the fact that you have the most evidence pointing to your innocence but because of it! Please do not dwell on the litany of horrors Sly subjected this poor wolf to in order to “convince” him to confess, this is a comic for children.

Panel from The Lockhorns, 12/19/21

Yeah, man, my wife does too? I think think it’s pretty normal for your partner to generally be aware of when you’re in bed, to be honest. Come on, Leroy, this one is a stretch. I am intrigued by the lady who’s just discovered an outlet for her “jolly old elf” fetish, however.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/19/21

I think this is a pretty good look at who would watch this livestream and feel vaguely bad about their contribution to the feeding frenzy over “Cynthia Ivy”‘s real identity: basically normal looking kids and extremely dweeby adults.

Panel from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/19/21

TIRED: Saying “Happy Holidays” is offensive to Real Americans because it diminishes the unique religious importance of Christmas

WIRED: Saying “Happy Holidays” is offensive to Real Americans because it reminds us of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, a strip created by liberal coastal elitists specifically to make fun of the rural poor

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Mary Worth, 11/8/21

I have to say that there was a point, early in this Wilbur storyline, where I was like, “Ugh, another Wilbur storyline? Really?” And maybe some of you still feel that way, and I respect it. But I have to tell you, at this point I am in, I am 100% invested in every small and large humiliation Wilbur suffers, each more self-inflicted than the last. I mean try, really try, to think of a way to preface an announcement that you’ve spotted your ex and some handsome new love interest that makes you sound more petulant and pathetic than “and look who I spy with my little eye.” It’s impossible. You can’t. But it’s only Monday, so we know this is going to escalate. If Wilbur drops a vicious “Fiddle dee dee!” by the end of the week, I will be not at all surprised.

Slylock Fox, 11/8/21

One thing that today’s mystery makes very clear that I’d never really thought about: Slylock uses his powers of ratiocination and knowledge of animal facts to figure out the who and the what and sometimes the how of various mysteries, but never the why. “Something seems off about this dinosaur skeleton,” he think. “Oh, right, it’s the teeth. Stegosaurs are plant eaters, they didn’t have fangs like this. Welp, off to the next exhibit!” It never occurs to him to question why this government-run museum, in a state ruled by a cat where the laws are enforced by canids, might have an interest in making all of history’s coolest, baddest creatures seem like obvious carnivores. Ideology is truly invisible to those entrusted with enforcing it.

Crock, 11/8/21

“We’re in a comic strip based on Beau Geste, which takes place before World War I, so she’s from the future! Dating her would be incredibly dangerous! What if we alter the timeline and disrupt the fabric of the universe?”

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Mary Worth, 11/7/21

Like a weird pervert who has become so addled by online pornography that he needs ever more bizarre and tentacle-heavy erotic imagery in order to get off, I feel like my heavy engagement in this current Wilbur storyline is taking me to some dangerous places. Like, I should be absolutely giddy in anticipation of the moment when Wilbur shows up at his “safe space” karaoke lounge only to discover that yet another ex-girlfriend has decided to flaunt the fact that she moved on with someone younger and taller and less bald, but instead I’m actively furious that Wilbur has also recently suffered some professional humiliation and we weren’t shown that in vivid detail. I want to see our man squirming as his boss laughs cruelly at whatever half-baked idea Wilbur came up with, damn it! This is the same guy who signed off on “I Shouldn’t Be Alive!” so you know Wilbur’s proposal was extremely shitty.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/7/21

Today’s Barney Google and Snuffy Smith really clearly illustrates the two main types of readers syndicated newspaper comics have to target today. The throwaway panels have an extremely dumb joke to amuse morons, while the rest of the strip is for people who would smugly think, “Ah, of course, ‘Barney Google (with the Goo-Goo-Googly Eyes),’ the 1923 hit tune with lyrics by Billy Rose! I understood that reference.”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 11/7/21

Obviously there’s some kind of Slylockverse version of the Hayes Code that says that the poor members of Slylock’s Rogue’s Gallery can never, ever win, but God bless Reeky Rat for not just persevering, but attempting to turn one of the main tools of his oppressors — the extremely selective application of animal facts — to his own defense. It’s not working, but I respect him so much.