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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/20/14

Long ago, I worked with a photographer who was also a passionate VW enthusiast, and for whom every new “upgrade” to his beloved brand was a kick in the solar plexus: One-piece rear window, UNGH! Big tail lights, UNGH! Convertible top, UNGH! When they introduced a semiautomatic transmission he uttered a fearsome oath, bought a Porsche, and never looked back. Good thing, too, or he would’ve seen the abomination Niki’s driving.

The same dark forces that turned the bug by degrees into the Super Beetle turned Original Niki and Kelly into these two. We first met Niki snatching June’s purse to buy artisanal salami for his methskank Mom, then doing some impressive ethical acrobatics to talk himself into a big payday “reward” after an extended tutorial from Rex. Kelly started out a stereotypical Bad Girl running off to drug parties in the woods and having a Brush with Death before Seeing the Error of Her Ways. Now they’re all cleaned up, and droning out text like “Sarah’s a great kid and I like her very much” about hideous paint-spattered brat-monsters. Kids, don’t let the Morgans get anywhere near you, is what I’m saying.

Slylock Fox (panel), 7/20/14

Slylock’s totalitarian society descends into outright racism: “First they came for the skunks and I did not speak out, because I was not stinky.”

Lockhorns (panel), 7/20/14

Loretta, lack of wind is not the problem.

Also: Alfas haven’t had those bumpers since 1982. Has Leroy been bald 32 years?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/20/14

Parson Tuttle’s own sins tend toward small-time grifting, so he’s plum tickled to get a lead on the more entertainin’ sinnin’ goin’ on in th’ Holler.

Piranha Club, 7/20/14

Now that right there is an authentic automobile. Own it, Ernie — own it as long as you possibly can. Doris will be happy to drive you to work.

— Uncle Lumpy

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The life of a second-string comics blogger isn’t all shootouts and fresh new characters. Most days it’s just slappin’ down the html and takin’ care of business:

Six Chix, 7/17/14

Like poking fun at an easy target:

Hey lady, “testing the limits of humor” usually means the upper limits.

Apartment 3-G, 7/17/14

Or two:

When Jack comes back on foot to lead the mare away, Tommie will regret having brought up the whole “glue” thing. Unless he takes Carol, too.

Gil Thorp, 7/17/14

Marking the return of cherished themes:

Hey, Kaz’s earring is back, and ready for its closeup! Hi, Mimi — how are the kids? Still enjoying 2005? Potatoes, again?

Slylock Fox (panel), 7/17/14

Reporting industry news:

Slylock Fox auteur Bob Weber Jr. has signed on with Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Enterprises LLC as a gag writer for Hägär the Horrible, and apparently has designs on drawing it, too.

Dick Tracy, 7/17/14

Keeping folks up to date on beloved comics:

“Daddy” Warbucks’ and Tracy’s crews look for Annie, last known to have been hostage to the Butcher of the Balkans, who The Great Am believes is now in touch with dangerous spy Axel. B.O. Plenty gets a letter with a vintage stamp and no ZIP Code, which gets passed to Dick, who recognizes the handwriting as Annie’s and the contents as the coded location of an abandoned island nuclear facility, to which he boats in the middle of the night.

Tracy wakes up in a hospital in Simmons Corners in June, 1944, recovering from shell-shock sustained at Anzio. Annie says they’ve known each other for years, and that he’s the main police presence in the town where she lives with Ma and Pa Silo.

Tracy seems to have disappeared from the present. An informant tells Warbucks his boss Axel had him collect the Butcher and Annie, but dies mysteriously before he can say where he took them.

Back in 1944, Tracy is discharged. Annie becomes alarmed when he says “there’s a war on”, thinking he believes what she apparently thinks is a charade. She visits Professor Kenyon, for whom she does chores, then gets a call at the Silos’ asking her to meet with the owner of the local newspaper — a Mr. Axel. Axel, a sinister sort, interrogates Annie about Professor Kenyon and his experiments, then sends her away to listen to the “Belinda” radio show, which seems to have a hypnotic effect on people.

Family Circus, 7/17/14

And, of course, slagging on little Jeffy Keane:

“Why no, Jeffy, I don’t know how he could say such a thing! You have totally achieved every bit of your full potential. There, there ….”

Update: Happy 40th birthday, Josh, and congratulations on completing The Enthusiast!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth 7/13/14

Little Olive Taylor is a sensitive spirit-child who fears water, sees fairies, takes instruction from angels, and indulges in a little routine precognition. So it’s fair to say she inhabits that uncanny halfspace between the spirit world and our own, is it not? That was a rhetorical question; of course she does.

So she knows she’s in a world of hurt. Consider:

• The little cyst on her torso may prove to be, as a surgeon once delicately explained to me, “the type of cyst that tends to reoccur.” Thus the doctor’s routine torsopsy may indicate the need for a torsotomy — or even a full-scale torsectomy, leaving poor Olive a stunted freak with legs emerging from her neck, and an arm from each ear. And what then, if the contagion spreads to her lap, or heaven forbid her nape?
• Don’t her parents seem just a liiiiitle too invested in a medical resolution to what seems like a family-dynamics problem? (“But Olive, you told us you always wanted a little cyster!”) No doubt they are in a rush to foist her back off on Mary so they can resume their casual neglect and nonstop rutting.
• Finally, with her gift of second sight, Olive can instantly recognize the chillingly named “Dr. Kapuht” as none other than the risen demon-stalker Kelrast, come to exact terrible revenge on any whom his Mary does not spurn.

Am I wrong? I don’t think I’m wrong:

Aldo always said that when one door closes, you just knock incessantly on another one until some fool tells you to come in. Run, Olive!

Slylock Fox (panel), 7/13/14

Ms. Mayfair, before going all-in with your fascist animal oppressors, consider that the entirety of your mating options consists of a) Count Weirdly, and b) this guy. Think it through, girl.

Prince Valiant, 7/13/14

Oh my gosh look you guys it’s Prince Valiant! Val and Aleta with family and friends set sail on the Island Queen for the Misty Isles, but in a great storm and with the crew distracted by a mystic bewitching siren song the ship is caught between massive rocks and a great whirlpool and ripped apart! Val is captured by a band of Sirens and forced to battle a Cyclops, whom he defeats by luring to the edge of a cliff.

But the Cyclops is revealed to be a mere man, “enchanted” beasts mere house pets, and goddess-queen Calypso a nutjob with anger issues. In short, the story starts like The Odyssey but ends like pretty much every episode of Scooby Doo ever.

Ruh-roh!

— Uncle Lumpy