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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/30/19

I’m not sure which I find more disturbing: the physical configuration of Snuffy’s body, which appears to be lazily half-flopping off the bed as he refuses to put even the least bit of effort into maintaining his dignity, or the topography of the Smif property, which is now revealed to be riven by one of Hootin’ Holler’s innumerable chasms. At least we now have an explanation of why Loweezy is willing to stand for so long by the mailbox, waiting for missives from the outside world to arrive.

Judge Parker, 3/30/19

Oh, hey, it turns out the reason Marie’s husband Roy faked his death is that he was deep in debt to the mob — like, $1.3 million dollars deep — and now they’re gonna come after Marie! Of course, the Parker-Drivers are famous for writing large checks to make problems go away for the family, but Marie’s not exactly family, is she? So, who do we think the “people” Sam knows are who he’s going to foist Marie off onto? I’m guessing it’s the big shot Hollywood agent who he connected with the rural marijuana farmer back in 2012. Hope that mineshaft is still climate controlled!

Zits, 3/30/19

I know this supposed to be “the newspaper comics poking fun at itself,” but I dearly hope it’s actually presaging a vicious feud on the funny pages. Watch out, 90-year-old legacy strips! Young whippersnappers that have only been on the comics pages for a mere 20 years — the blink of an eye, really — are coming for you!

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Mary Worth, 11/26/18

We all know how this ends: petty annoyances add up until, in an orgy of blood, Mary murders her cat.

Followed, of course, by two weeks of chatty self-congratulation, platitudes (“People say ‘curiosity killed the cat,’ but now I know better!”) and a closing quote from Albert Camus: “As if the blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.” And then a pool party!

Gil Thorp, 11/26/18

Hey, you guys: you may think you can bravely outfight, outwit, or at least outrun a gang of menacing street toughs, but you can’t. These guys are criminals who chase down and beat up gym-rat posers like you for fun, and they’re good at it. So just bribe them with some of that fancy camera equipment, then drown your shame in Bud Light under the bleachers on bonfire night. At least you won’t have to drink it through a straw.

Phantom, 11/26/18

OK, “Kit’s letter home” is exactly as exciting as you’d expect — apparently he got poison ivy on the canoe trip, the monks short-sheeted his bed, and there’s nothing but Jell-O for dessert!

But the long-running Phantom succession drama took a sharp turn when sister Heloise brought down arch-terrorist Eric “The Nomad” Sahara (“恐怖分子被捕” → “Terrorist Arrested,” nice touch!) in New York while Kit was weaving lanyards at Craft Hour and Dad was hiding from his wife. Oh sure, she got all weepy and homesick on the mean streets afterward, but c’mon, she crashed a jet, a signature Phantom move. Put me on Team Heloise in the upcoming battle royale for the Skull Ring.

Zits, 11/26/18

Jeremy and his mother talk about nothing but sex. The tension between them is palpable.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Gil Thorp, 7/11/18

Hey, it’s Gil Thorp wrapup time, with Marjie Ducey! And if there’s a more callous, dismissive line of Gil Thorp B.S. than panel three there, I don’t ever want to hear it: “Kid gives me four years, to do what for him? Sometimes you just don’t like a kid, stuff happens, it is what it is! Things change; everything works out — for me anyway. Is that all? I gotta get home and grab some of that Pinot before Mimi drains the box.”

Zits, 7/11/18

This sets up the exact inverse of “Curtis is Humiliated Trying on Clothes”, and works just as well.

[The old-school draftsmanship in Zits — like Sherman’s Lagoon, Curtis, and Gasoline Alley — is usually impeccable. That’s why the missing corner of that banner in panel one sticks out: “SALF”?]

Funky Winkerbean, 7/11/18

I know both Josh and I go on about the wads of exposition in this strip: characters (“your father, John Darling”) are constantly reintroduced, events (“the coming reunion”) explained with every mention, and whole backstories laboriously introduced to set up … not much. Maybe the creators are trying to make the strip accessible to casual readers who don’t see it every day? Maybe they don’t realize they’re punishing people for paying attention?

Anyway, if you’re gonna expose, expose right: Eisner is justly famous for his comic books; his early, obscure strips all flamed out before 1939. And San Diego weather is delightful.

Luann, 7/11/18

Gunther’s not at all upset by the idea of his mother as a person independent from himself, with feelings and desires of her own. He just can’t shake the image of Mr. Gray in a leather mask, twirling a leopard-print Speedo over his head and hollering “COWABUNGA”!

Pluggers, 7/11/18

“I learned that from you, Boomer scum!”

Aaaaand that’s it for me, folks! Thank you for a lovely time, and for your generosity during the fundraiser. You guys are first-rate human beings and should all cut yourselves some extra slack today; tell ’em Carl told you so.

Josh will be back tomorrow with songs of the Auvergne, profuse thanks, and his usual slantwise take on comics of the day.

COWABUNGA!

— Uncle Lumpy