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Six Chix, 5/1/17

The fairies prepare to feast on the bodies of their mortal sisters. Their eyes gleam with hunger, though they hide their savage teeth. They number six in all: could this brood be the Chix themselves? Pray we never learn, nor how the cheese got pink.

Mary Worth, 5/1/17

Pluggers, 5/1/17

“Our marriage is an abomination, I’m having an affair with the rhinoceros, and get the hell out of my bathroom.”

Pluggers are hard of hearing and delusional.

Sally Forth, 5/1/17

I’m going to spend mine reading Sally Forth. Make some room on that couch.

–Uncle Lumpy

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Luann, 4/30/17

Despite its longstanding and frankly creepy obsession with the outer limits of bathroom behavior, Luann has shown no interest in exploring similar frontiers in sexuality.

Sad, because a well-placed pair of hooves would’ve made today’s strip.

Pickles, 4/30/17

Though if you had asked me which strip I thought would be first to feature cross-species sexytimes, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have said Pickles.

Dick Tracy, 4/30/17

I’ll willingly admit that Dick Tracy‘s all-in dive into anime/cosplay/furry culture has left me in the dust. I have no idea who “Svengoolie” or “Chimetra” are, for example, or whose trademark the realistically-drawn “Connie Mail Wong” is trying to infringe/evade/appropriate/respect.

But I think that third panel holds the key to the Margies’ otherwise incomprehensible scam: their Cosplay Contest Grand Prize isn’t $10,000.00 like everybody thinks, but a cool ten bucks to the third decimal place. Those clever Margies will pocket the difference and laugh at the gullible rubes who will, in the grand Dick Tracy tradition, tear them limb from limb.

–Uncle Lumpy

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Phantom, 4/29/17

Hmmm … can’t shake a “feeling of death,” Big Guy? Maybe it’s because you sleep cheek-by-jowl with your ancestors’ corpses, decorate yourself with skull jewelry, and live inside a gigantic death’s-head?

Nah. More likely it’s just a premonition that your city-bred wife, out stalking a pygmy tribal chief in the deep jungle, is about to get all slain by one of his adorable little arrows.

Crankshaft, 4/29/17

Wait, sad to outlive your dreams? But that way you’d still be around to enjoy them after they turn into facts! Sounds kinda nice — sign me up!

Not Lillian, though — she’s lived in the Funkyverse long enough to know this ain’t no Disney movie (the depression cats are a giveaway). So she games the system, adopting only those dreams that will fail slowly enough to outlast her. That way, she can die basking in the delusion that her remaining dreams still had a shot. Not like her dream to open a used bookstore above the garage — that sucker failed from the get-go and mocks her to this day.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/29/17

OK, Rex Morgan has been setting up this porno for so long the only question left is the dramatis personae: Niki and Kelly, sure, but who’s on third: rich-girl Holly — or Kelly’s Mom Summer (ew)?

And pace Josh, Niki’s actually far from a novice at this sort of thing: a decade ago, June blackmailed him into “cleaning her garage,” if you know what I mean. And that was before he got his wet hands all over Rex’s trout.

Anyway, it’s great to see this classic soaper returning to its roots. Its sexy, creepy roots.

Spider-Man, 4/29/17

Spider-Man plugs Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy franchise almost as hard as Mary Worth plugs Carnival Cruise Lines. Probably for more cash, but definitely with a lot less effort. Never change, Web-Slinger!

Hello, faithful reader! I’m sitting in while Josh enjoys a Spring Break chock-full of enjoyable activities on a colossal liner steaming around the Caribbean, or maybe just sneaks out back for a delicious cigarette. Either way, reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have any problems with the site.

If you use the commenting feature, be aware that I’m notified automatically when a comment is placed in moderation, so there’s no need to alert me by email or in a follow-up comment. I’ll clear comments as soon as I see them, which won’t always be immediately. Thanks for your anticipated patience!

–Uncle Lumpy