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It’s Friday, and you know what that means! Wait, you don’t? Oh, well, it means I pick my favorite comment from out of the hundreds posted by readers of the course of the week, and I showcase it here!

“I don’t have to outrun the lava, Abbey, I just have to outrun you. Or am I thinking of bears? I’m often thinking of bears.” –Voshkod

I also showcase some runners up, as well!

This whole situation seems predicated on the idea that Slylock lives in a tiny house with virtually nothing in it but a bed and a TV with DVD player. I mean, it’s still pretty good compared to your average fox den, but I would have expected more from the top animal private eye this side of, um, Ace Ventura? Is that a thing people remember?” –BigTed

That’s an amazing story, Cliff. Too bad we didn’t bring any mics to record the audio. Man, I am fucking this up but good!” –pugfuggly

“Next time you’re impressed to see Leroy dancing the cha-cha with some curvy, toothy girl half his age at a party, be ten times moreso: Remember that (shudder) this is what she is looking at.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

I hope that’s a joke. I really do. We don’t have the budget for a 3rd panel, and quite frankly, I don’t have the stamina.” –hogenmogen

‘Mark, is this it? Is it over?’ Abbey asked pleadingly. ‘It’s over when I say its over,’ artist James Allen sneered before sketching several more panels filled with fire and explosions. Several more panels of flames, just long enough to make it through all this awful holiday cheer.” –Chareth Cutestory

“As a person who once tried to make a living as a freelance magazine writer, I can attest to the complete believability of the current Mark Trail storyline.” –jvwalt

“Oh my, look at Jeffy in comparison to that chair! He is as tall as that picture on the wall. He may not remember the day that will live in infamy, buy Jeffy no doubt was exposed to 1950s radioactive fallout. He is growing in size and will soon bestride the earth like a colossus. Oh, the horror!” –Joe Momma

“Daddy, the man said Pearl Harbor was bombed. Is that like when you come home from bowling?” –Hibbleton

“I have never seen someone stare at a screen so defiantly before. ‘They hope I don’t watch TV, do they? I’LL SHOW THEM!’&rdaquo; –Dragon of Lie

“I am deeply, deeply disappointed that ‘This calls for a selfie!’ wasn’t Selfy’s catchphrase, used whenever he entered a room and at every conceivable opportunity afterwards.” –TheDiva

Age is just a number, and let’s be honest: since our makeovers, who knows how old we are anyway. Six months ago I was 60-something and hallucinating faces in clouds, now my number starts with a 4 and I’m tipping the bagboy at the Savemart with glimpses of my hot new body.” –Litle Blue Bicycle

“Whoa there. Mary shouldn’t be picking at the Wilbur wound until Mary gets the Zak facts. Little brother is hot and daddy-o Wilbur is not. (That’s what hip hop sounds like at Charterstone.)” –Gabacho

“‘So it really is a lifesaver,’ she said, staring directly at Santa’s ass and wondering what other mysteries it might contain.” –Joe Blevins

“I would have gone with ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’. I also would have taped markers to a wombat’s feet to do the illustration.” –Kevin on Earth

“Fortunately, someone called an ambulance with their cellphone. Unfortunately, the paramedics were too busy watching YouTube on their cellphones to really do much. They did text the hospital to be ready, but the lady at reception was tweeting about the NES Classic Edition, so your daughter waited in the ambulance for 20 minutes upon arrival. Whoops, that’s my wife texting my cellphone. Hopefully she didn’t see those videos I left on her cellphone.” –Super Luigi 64

And I also must give thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar or backed me on Patreon! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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Six Chix, 12/9/16

You know I’m in favor of any nationally syndicated newspaper comic strip that includes the caption “GALLERY OF HORROR,” but this is pretty shoddy work right here no matter how you look at it. I mean, climate change will melt snowpersons, I guess, although so would the good old fashioned change of the seasons. And holding a lit cigarette up to a snowbeing might cause them to melt around the point of contact, or, if we’re assuming some sort of advanced snownatomical structures, maybe they’d melt from the inside out as they drew hot air into their snow-lungs, in particularly gruesome fashion. But waiting in line? Waiting in line? This is … relevant because … I mean it’s supposed to mean … damn it! All I wanted was a comic where snowpeople recoiled in horror from an avant-garde art exposition called “GALLERY OF HORROR” that depicted gruesome ways they might die, and I can’t even enjoy it because the deaths don’t make any damn sense! Damn you, Six Chix! I believed in you!

Dick Tracy, 12/9/16

I’ve already proclaimed my love for this storyline, but I need to go on the record as heartily endorsing the ending, hearkening back to “classic” (i.e., pre-2011) Dick Tracy with a truly ironic death. Selfy’s selfie obsession wasn’t as played up over the course of his story as perhaps it should’ve been, but him getting trampled mid-selfie by a water buffalo who presumably enraged by reading one too many dumb thinkpieces about millennials and their participation trophies was a nice touch.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/9/16

Wait, so … are cell phones good or bad??? I need clarity on this point, guys!

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Crankshaft, 12/8/16

OK, look: I’d like to tell you that I found this Crankshaft joke about an old man with ass problems working as a mall Santa to make ends meet distasteful and unacceptable, but I’m gonna be real: my only complaint is that he doesn’t spell it “rhoid rage,” which would be both more accurate and much funnier.

Mary Worth, 12/8/16

So Mary Worth is fine with bedding a man 20 years your junior but counsels against revenge-fucking? Truly, this is solid, sensible advice for the modern age!