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Mary Worth, 8/21/17

Soooo, just to clarify: Dr. Ned’s sudden, intense interest in Dawn’s living situation, combined with that mid-date phone call he abruptly had to take earlier, means that, despite his earlier divorce talk, he is still 100% extremely married, right? This puts all of Jared’s passive-aggressive sheeshing in a different light, though if he’s really concerned about Dawn being taken advantage of, he should probably try just giving her the information she needs to make an informed decision about her romantic life, rather than loudly proclaiming his own sexual availability and then flailing about wildly.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/21/17

Ha ha, “we’ll be outnumbered” is a thing parents often say upon having a third kid, as a joke, but Rex’s face shows that he is deadly serious here. As well he should be! Sarah’s convenient bout of amnesia may have erased her intimate inside knowledge of how violent crime syndicates work, but she has shown herself a natural leader, effortlessly assembling teams of the downtrodden and acquiring powerful allies. Rex is right to be worried! If they presented Sarah with another foot soldier, he and June would be prisoners in their house’s basement within a week!

Gil Thorp, 8/21/17

OH WELL THE COLLEGE FRESHMAN WHO LED HIS TEAM TO A 3 AND 5 RECORD IN THE ACC LAST YEAR (OR MORE LIKELY WATCHED THEM BE MEDIOCRE FROM THE BENCH) HAS SPOKEN!!!! I GUESS JAQUAN IS AN NFL PLAYER NOW

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Spider-Man, 8/20/17

One of the great running gags of superhero comics is that it should be much, much easier for in-universe characters to figure out a superhero’s secret identity than it ever turns out to be. There are a host of reasons why the “secret” is always obvious — they’re never in the same place at the same time, their voices are identical, people look more or less the same whether they’re wearing glasses or not, etc. — but in our current case, it’s because Spider-Man and Peter Parker are pretty much the exact same kind of dick. Like, if my wizened aunt was about to finally wed her longtime beau and a giant tentacle erupted form the earth to attack the wedding party, I might be more inclined to shout “run!” or “oh no!” rather than “whoa, déjà vu much???” But that’s just how Peter Parker and Spider-Man play it.

Meanwhile, speaking of dicks, I had assumed last week that Tyrannus was shushing his army of fetish-gimps as they prepared to board some form of burrowing transport and head for the earth’s surface for wedding-ruining and subsequent conquest. But nope, it turns out this is all being down remotely, and he just wanted an audience as he gloated and pulled the big lever marked “TENTACLE.”

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/20/17

This throwaway-panel scene from Hootin’ Holler reminds all of us flatlanders that we should appreciate our infrastructure privilege.

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Mary Worth, 8/19/17

HOW TO CONVINCE A GAL TO DO SEX WITH YOU:

1. Give responses that indicate that you’ve listened to at least the last couple of sentences she’s said. Example:

DAWN: It was difficult integrating my relationships with both of my parents, what with them living so far apart.

DR. NED: [PROCESSING DATASET: “CONNECTICUT”, “SANTA ROYALE”] Yes, it certainly is enriching to have lived in two widely separated locations!

2. Block her means of egress, initiate simultaneous physical and eye contact, and remind her that you remember what her name is. Example:

DR. NED: [SCANNING MEMORY: WHAT IS THIS ONE CALLED AGAIN?] Dawn…

Beetle Bailey, 8/19/17

Beetle is the victim of unrelenting physical abuse, and the church is only willing to do lip service when it comes to protecting him from harm.

Blondie, 8/19/17

“[enters staring at iPad] Ever use mobile apps, Mr. B?”: What an old person thinks a young person is like.