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Beetle Bailey, 6/2/16

I guess the point of the first panel is that it Beetle needs to get this aphorism from somewhere outside himself, because otherwise why hasn’t he been putting it to use in his own life before? But where could he have heard it, I wonder? If anyone involved in the creation of Beetle Bailey had ever used a computer, maybe Beetle would be browsing a Facebook group called Extremely Insipid Memes That Are Affiliated With A Radio Station For Reasons That Are Not Entirely Clear, but as it is, we’ve just got to go with the next-best idea: he got it from a four-page pamphlet with nothing on the cover. Makes sense!

Judge Parker, 6/2/16

Haha, yes, Abbey, your daughter’s dream of rock stardom are silly and should be quickly discarded! Now let’s continue helping your husband put endless identical law books that he’ll never look at up on the shelf of his new pretend office that still reeks of horse shit.

Dennis the Menace, 6/2/16

The Mitchells are a typical American family, and today’s Dennis the Menace offers a glimpse at what’s inside the typical American refrigerator: glass bottles of various sizes containing orange liquid, a carton of eggs (?), and an entire uncovered bone-in ham.

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LOS ANGELES AND LOS ANGELES-ADJACENT FOLKS! I am going to be performing in Cool Shit/Weird Shit at UCB Franklin in Los Feliz, this coming Friday at midnight! The show is … pretty much what it sounds like, a bunch of people doing their weirdest, coolest performance pieces. I might be doing something yoga related, or Star Trek related, or … both??? Also it’s a gong show, so I could be cruelly gonged off at any time, so I need a posse there to get rowdy in my favor right off the bat. Please come! It’s only five bucks! These sell out, so buy tix now!

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Mary Worth, 6/1/16

Guys, I’m not very good at yoga, but I’ve been doing it semi-regularly, at home with videos and in classes, for nearly a decade now, and I can assure you that the amount of yogi smack talk that happens is minimal. Also, I mean, I don’t mean to doubt the yoga prowess of mustachio’d part-time substitute art history instructor Harlan Jones, but I’ve been trying and failing to do crow pose for nearly the whole time I’ve been practicing yoga, and taraksvasana seems, like, a lot harder, so I don’t think he’s gonna master that in one night? Don’t push yourself too hard, friend! Your body is your best teacher: if you feel a sharp pain, stop, pull back, try again later! I actually dearly hope Dawn discovers Harlan’s twisted body in his apartment days from now, after he accidentally breaks his back by taraksvasanaing too vigorously, and the lesson learned is that when you make a new connection you should always abandon all your other friends to hang out with them all the time.

Family Circus, 6/1/16

I’m not really sure what Dolly is getting at here. God is enlightening us … about the nature of electricity? I’m honestly more concerned about her body language, as she seems to just be blathering soothing nonsense to him to lure him somewhere, possibly the top of a tall, metal pole.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/1/16

“And it’d be crazy if I had to kill you, to make sure that you didn’t shoot your big mouth off about this! Oh, these gun fingers? I’m making them for, uh, no reason at all.”