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Slylock Fox, 7/6/15

Are we supposed to assume that our criminal dog, fleeing Slylock and his goons, got into this room one step ahead of the law? How did that work, exactly? He leaps into the unoccupied bed, starts feverishly wrapping bandages around his face, and growls to the actual patient, “You don’t say nothin’, see?” Or maybe it’s much more horrible: maybe he’s subjected the other dog to an involuntary Face/Off-style surgery, the better to escape justice. His victim is in a morphine haze, but the criminal refused painkillers; though he’s in agony, he knew he’d have to be sharp in case the cops showed up. Either way, the real tragedy is that the real patient didn’t receive a fruit basket.

Spider-Man, 7/6/15

This is a good question, because let’s be frank: even when he has his whole life ahead of him, caring about stuff isn’t Peter Parker’s strong suit.

Archie, 7/6/15

The way Veronica stares directly at the viewer in the final panel, inviting us into her world of gossip, is profoundly unsettling. “Do you miss the good old days? Sign up for an account on Gosspr, my new social app for gossip and rumors, and feel free to share what you know or have heard about your closest friends! #jointhecoversation”

Momma, 7/6/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Francis and Marylou are slowly poisoning their mother!

Pluggers, 7/6/15

Pluggers have found that they hardest part of living is the seemingly endless slog through a meaningless existence that we have to endure until we finally feel the sweet embrace of death.

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Crankshaft, 7/5/15

Sure, Ralph Meckler says he’s just an ordinary citizen fighting for the little guy’s right to drive on safer streets. But his campaign is in the pocket of the sausage restaurant industry. Do we really want our city government ignoring important environmental and zoning concerns and just rubber-stamping approvals of chain eateries that serve substandard biscuits? Mayor Kane: Leadership We Can Trust.

B.C., 7/5/15

Here is a sequence of words that has almost certainly never been constructed before but which I nevertheless believe to be meaningful and also true: these prehistoric ants appear to be Seventh-Day Adventists.

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/5/15

OH MY GOD LOWEEZY IS GOING TO RAISE CORPSES FROM THEIR GRAVES USING FOUL BACKWOODS NECROMANTIC SORCERY

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Apartment 3-G, 7/4/15

FUN FACT: Current Apartment 3-G artist Frank Bolle did the interior illustrations for many of the beloved Choose Your Own Adventure books published in the 1970s and ’80s, and I’m sincerely hoping today’s strip is a tribute to this. What exactly will the confusing, unsatisfying explanation for the recent weirdness in the strip surrounding Margo be? It all depends on you!

Mark Trail, 7/4/15

This Mark Trail strip is definitely from the opening minutes of a movie where a terrible plague makes the jump from shark to man, maybe transforming those unlucky few who don’t die right away into monstrous shark-human hybrids. So it’s probably for the best that Ken is calling in Mark Trail instead of, like, an actual veteranarian or some other kind of biologist or medical professional. We’ll need all of those we can get once the mass deaths really start getting underway; no need to expose them to the virus on day one.

Mary Worth, 7/4/15

Oh my God, Adam’s eye, staring emptily into the middle distance as Terry moves in for her smooch, is my everything. He’s finally won her heart — but at what cost? He suddenly realizes that the only way to stoke the fires of love within her is to join with her in escalating acts of violence. Sure, tonight they just subdued a convenient mugger, but he knows that won’t sate her bloodlust for long. Soon they’ll need to maim, to kill, and soon they won’t even use vigilante justice as a pretense. You’ve made your bed, Adam, and now you’ve got to lie in it.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/4/15

This comic is here to remind you that the desperately poor are generally too busy with trying to survive to work for political change, and most revolutions erupt when an emerging middle class finds that they lack a political outlet for the rising economic power. Happy Fourth of July, America!