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Hello all! Let’s start the weekend right the best way we can: with a comment of the week!

“Nice, quote Oedipus while peeling the eyes from potatoes.” –Joe Momma

And some very funny runners up!

“Crestfallen Sean only manages to continue because he took the batteries out of his hearing aid. If music be the food of love, then what the hell is this?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Charity? That’s one of my favorite causes!” –Peanut Gallery

“Are we actually sure Mr. Wants-to-be-Coach is talking about abstract brands here? Maybe it’s tradition in Gil Thorp-land to literally brand successful players with red-hot irons? ‘It’s time to choose your brand, kid. Make it a good one; you’re gonna have it forever.’” –Lanfranc

“If people feel the need to add the words ‘that criminal known as the…’ in front of your name, it means your nickname didn’t take. Sorry, Jumbler.” –Joe Blevins

“Herb is doing his best to keep print media alive, and he’s pissed off that Jamaal brings up the competition in such a light. ‘Well, if you like these new forms of communication so much, why don’t you go sex their buttholes?! I’m reading the newspaper!'” –rbmalpha

“Sean’s face and arm say, ‘Hey, babe, wanna catch a flick?,’ while his words and leglessness say, ‘I am an animatronic torso programmed to ask the female to view a film.'” –bourbonbabe, unbuckled

“A BRIBE? You, sir, have clearly never eaten at Montoni’s.” –Windier E. Megatons

“So, this robot took three steps forward and then teetered and fell on its face? A worthy adversary indeed!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“You know, maybe wizards who walk around in the middle of winter with bare feet and in robes that stop at their hips shouldn’t be so quick to judge The Girls Today.” –Alex Blaze

“HANDS UP DON’T SMIRK” –John Fulcher, on Facebook

“Today’s Dick Winkerbean aggregate finally answers the question: How can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?” –SgtSaunders

“Don’t confuse jurisdiction with its exact synonym, legal authority. And while you are chewing on that koan, here’s the sound of one hand pulling a trigger.” –Nekrotzar

“Jell-O molds and a ‘Valentine’s social’? Say what you will about pluggers being old-fashioned, but a time-traveling chicken from 1955 is a movie concept I would definitely go to see.” –BigTed

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/23/15

Oh hey were you wondering what was going with the story of Kelly the teen, who’s being gifted with a free car and a zero-tolerance contract in order to ferry around Sarah Morgan and fulfill the nebulous art-education whims of a lovable old gangster moll? (Haha, I love trying to construct the most implausibly absurd sentences that are nevertheless 100% accurate descriptions of soap opera plots.) Anyway, Bugsy the driver, who is totally reformed and absolutely no longer a brutal mob enforcer, probably, is taking Kelly to get her free car, and it’s a hearse! It’s also free to Bugsy and Mrs. P., because of some ill-defined relationship between garishly suited hearse salesman “Tony” and Mrs. P.’s criminal syndicate. When Bugsy says Mrs. P. “sends her best to you and your family,” does that mean that Tony’s family has now been released from captivity? When Tony thanks Bugsy for “what she did for us,” is that a reference to her mob’s long reign of violent terror really boosting the market for hearses?

Pluggers, 1/23/15

You know you’re a plugger when you’ve never cooked anything even remotely healthy in your entire life.

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Heathcliff, 1/22/15

Comics are an incredibly conservative art form — not necessarily in a political or ideological sense, but in that they preserve visual tropes from the comics that current artists grew up with, thus sometimes presenting a world that vanished long ago. Thus, just as Dagwood’s suburban neighborhood is lousy with semi-feral dogs, so does Heathcliff view going to the bathroom as a primarily outside activity. This was the the norm for pet cats for most of their millennia-long period of domestication, but with the invention of clay kitty litter nearly 70 years ago, the idea of a cat doing its business inside the house became … well, significantly less worthy of a joke in a cat-themed comic, let’s just say that.

Funky Winkerbean and Dick Tracy, 1/22/15

The intrusion of Dick Tracy into the Funkyverse is having interesting effects on the Funky-space-time continuum. This reality has already been able to accommodate multiple discontinuous time-tracks, as seen by the apparent coexistence of the Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft timelines 10 years apart, with the one only occasionally bleeding into the other. But now with Dick and Sam in town, the timeline seems to have rapidly bifurcated into two closely linked parallel streams: in one, they crack vaguely wise at one another about comic books; in the other, they growl menacingly about how they totally have the right to just shoot this guy in the gut for “resisting arrest.”