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Mary Worth, 3/3/14

Tommy seems to have survived an awkward dinner with Mary and Wilbur and actually come out of the experience with a hint of a smile. Those good feelings end immediately in the next panel, as his mother isn’t even six inches out the door before ditching him to go spend some quality time with Wilbur, who needs to amble around the Charterstone grounds immediately after every meal or else he won’t be able to poop for the next 48 hours. “I’ll see you later, Tommie! Wilbur quit half his job for me, so I guess I’ll let him get to second base. Enjoy hanging out in our condo unit, alone except for your prison-time PTSD and your increasingly fragile sobriety!”

Marvin, 3/3/14

Yes, this is a great plan, Marvin! Just lurk under your bed for the next decade and a half, an increasingly feral presence, nonverbal, and, of course, since this is the cause for the whole drama, covered with your own filth. Sounds like a great life!

Herb and Jamaal, 3/3/14

Herb’s mother-in-law Eula has lived a long, amazing life. Now she yearns for death!

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Six Chix, 3/2/14

Haha, no, don’t worry, storks aren’t really going to be replaced by drones any time soon! Just like the story of storks delivering babies is a metaphor, so too is this image of remote-controlled machines carrying infants about! The stork, which, like all birds, is a creepy, weird creature covered with gross feathers and scaly skin, is a metaphor for the usual biological process of human reproduction, which is a fairly disgusting procedure involving awkward positions, icky fluids getting everywhere, and problematic emotional entanglements. The drones represent the bright future, when our next generation will be grown in clean, efficiently engineered machines, tended by expert technicians. When they reach term, the babies will be lifted out of their germination vats by autonomous drones, which will deliver them to the lucky parental units assigned to them. So, yes, I guess that part isn’t really a metaphor.

Rex Morgan, M.D. 3/2/14

Say, did you forget that back in December li’l Sarah caught her babysitter Kelly doing sex stuff on the Morgans’ couch with her boyfriend, and Sarah used it as leverage to get a cookie, and also anything else she wants? Well, Sarah didn’t forget. Sarah never forgets.

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Judge Parker, 3/1/14

I was going to apologize for not keeping you up to date on the conversation between April and her dad, but then I realized that it’s literally lasted two weeks and can be easily summed up as follows: April’s dad is on the run from some Romanian weapons-smugglers he’s fallen out with, and now they’ve managed to plant a tracker on April’s car and are on their way to this impregnable jungle fortress/cancer research facility, presumably travelling via heavily armed helicopter gunship. Good times appear to be in the narrative hopper, though, if the sinister grin of bloodthirsty mercenary/cheerful groundskeeper “Abbott” as he promises that April and Randy’s wedding ceremony will not be unduly disturbed by the endless screaming of their enemies is any indication.

Blondie, 3/1/14

Nobody in this strip is what you’d call “introspective,” so I guess Elmo is as likely a candidate as any to stumble onto self-reflective questions of ontology. Dagwood, who can only dimly grasp the philosophical thought processes this line of questioning has provoked in his young pal, is probably wrong about what’s going on in that closet; it’s more likely that Elmo is just using the dark, warm space to go into a fetal position, having arrived much too quickly at the “why is there something instead of nothing” problem.

Spider-Man, 3/1/14

It’s good to see that New York’s criminal element has a clear-eyed perspective on exactly how much of a threat Spider-Man is to them (namely, not much).