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Crankshaft, 2/15/14

This week’s Crankshaft “plot” has been far too inane to discuss, involving a reality show called Ice Road School Bus Drivers — it’s like Ice Road Truckers, but for school bus drivers! — filming our characters in action. The producers are no doubt disappointed that Crankshaft didn’t engage in any of the property destruction or reckless endangerment of children for which he’s so famous, but nevertheless, the new reality show stars are getting their reward today: cheap giveaway hats emblazoned with the show’s logo. The drivers’ overjoyed reaction to this is probably the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. “Life doesn’t get any better than this!” proclaims Crankshaft, a man who helped defeat the Nazis in World War II, who has children and grandchildren, who played professional baseball, who overcame his own struggles and learned to read as an adult, who helped pay for a group of underprivileged kids from his bus route go to college. “Life doesn’t get any better than this.” He pulls the ill-fitting cap tightly down onto his head.

Mark Trail, 2/15/14

“I sure hope Trail is what he says he is … for his own good! If he’s a person, like he says he is, then that’s OK! But if he’s an animal, then I’m going to have to taxidermy him. I can’t stop taxidermying animals! But wait … what if a person is a kind of animal? Oh no. Oh NO. My taxidermying fingers are gettin’ itchy!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/15/14

Well, it looks like Sarah was right to be suspicious of her editor, because her editor intends to put her in a cage and let other little kids come and gawk at her while she churns out books. This is quite frankly the best business decision anyone at the museum has made at any point during this storyline.

Mary Worth, 2/15/14

“But let’s not talk about such heavy topics now, Wilbur. Look, I’ve figured out that I can hold a full coffee cup using just my mouth! Pretty neat, huh?”

Pluggers, 2/15/14

All across America’s strife-torn inner cities, members of the Bloods and Crips put down their newspapers with stunned expressions on their faces. “Why are we fighting all the time?” they ask. “No matter what crew we roll with, we’re all pluggers. We are all pluggers.” Consider the peace increased.

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This is your final reminder (haha j/k NOT LIKELY) that the I will be co-hosting The Internet Read Aloud this coming Sunday in Baltimore, and if you don’t want to come then I worry about you. Here are the details, on Facebook!

And now with that out of the way, here’s the comment of the week, which you should read silently to yourself if you don’t want to annoy your coworkers:

“‘Happiness’ — the drug for those who are too bland for ‘ecstasy.'” –seismic-2

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Okay, so is Otto Sarge’s disgruntled spouse or his irritated child? It’s pretty horrifying either way, but I need some more specifics before I can properly direct my loathing.” –Lily Sincere

“I’m very confident I can get the first draft in four weeks, considering I already handed it in to the curator. What do you think prompted this meeting, if not my glorious pictures of horseys that are reminiscent of Da Vinci’s The Battle of Anghiari, albeit far superior? See those four horseys on the last page? Those are for the apocalypse, and that skeleton guy riding it, yeah, he’s looking at you. Looking. For now.” –Hogenmogen

“Only Tommie could be ‘drowsy with happiness’ . It’s like her body outright rejects any form of excitement by shutting down into a state of torpor.” –pugfuggly

“Minutes of the latest meeting of the Daily Bugle Board of Directors: ‘We haven’t published a paper in over a week. Where the hell is Jameson? He’s WHAT??'” –AhClem

“‘Jerk’? I expect that kind of language from your edgier comics like Mary Worth, but Gil Thorp? Is nothing sacred?” –Kevin on Earth

Apartment 3-G: “Vermont, eh? Can you dump this fucking deer out over New Hampshire on your way? I am so done with it and Frank is tired of trying to draw it.” –Mikey

“The Spider-Man narration box isn’t even trying anymore. ‘As…’? That’s the best you’ve got? I can understand its queasiness, though, because I think Peter Parker just made the crudest-possible sexual overture to Mary Jane.” –Joe Blevins

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “An editor’s job is to help make your book look even better, Sarah. For example, for the cover we’ll use a stock photo of a normal, pleasant-looking child instead of yours.” –Amos Snarkadder

“Are we to infer that Honi is crying over Lute’s coffin?” –nescio

“Where exactly is Mary serving Wilbur? The space-time inversion of an enameled 50s stove? The narrow glass tube of a stunning underwater metropolis?” –bunivasal

Anything — be it film or novel or comic strip, or Congressional hearing or wedding ceremony — that begins with ‘Dad? Where are you, my darling?’ is bound to be an express ride to Psychoville.” –Dr. Mabuse

“About six months ago I discovered this blog. Over the duration of said six months, I have started from the beginning and read every page, every CoTW … the end of FOOBs and of Cathy … the not-really-end of Crock and of BC … the rise and fall of our dearest Aldo Kelrast … countless melting Marmaduke faces … every failed attempt at the playdowns … thousands of Batiuk smirks … billions in Parker-Driver-Spencer payoffs … all three Rex Morgan storylines … all to find myself finally on today’s page, with the gloriously horrified face of Mary Worth to welcome me to the present. Truly, I have arrived.” –McGibbslap

“I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge Reggie, since nobody in the strip will. I appreciate him popping in for one panel in a conversation that doesn’t involve him at all to gratuitously slam Archie with a gag that, while not great, is still funnier than the actual punchline.” –Doctor Handsome

Apartment 3G: “Sure, my roommates can put up with a man for two whole days! What’s one more thing that craps on the floor, after all?” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

“Pro tip: Do NOT turn today’s Crock upside down.” –Wonkey the Monkey

“This Eerie Sentient Camel is the name of my Death Cab for Cutie tribute band.” –Esther Blodgett

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Beetle Bailey, 2/14/14

Kudos to the King Features colorists: this is a joke about how Miss Buxley has placed small pieces of plastic directly onto her eyeballs (already one of the most unnatural acts I can possibly imagine) that are covered with so much filth that her normally blue irises appear to be a sort of mud-brown, and in order to sell it we really need to see those dirty specks in the middle of her wide, terrified eyes. And we do! I also like the way that Killer has suddenly stood upright in disgust between panels. “I, uh, I have to be going now. Hope you don’t go blind!”

Crock, 2/14/14

There’s an obvious horror to final panel in today’s Crock, in which a grinning camel invites us to contemplate the fact that he’s managed, through sheer force of will, to shape the fatty deposit on his back into a grotesque parody of a human heart and then urges us to enjoy “humptine’s day,” something that we might associate with the enjoyable pastime of humping a loved one if not for the profoundly unerotic vision on display. But still, for me the most awful vision here is panel two, as the hump jiggles and throbs and extends, all while this eerie sentient camel maintains unbroken eye contact with us. HAPPY HUMPTINE’S DAY EVERYBODY