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Archie, 1/19/14

Today’s Archie is a fascinating look at the ways in which our lives are structured by the financial and emotional transactions we conduct with one another. Archie and Veronica both recognize the significance of his offer to perform unpaid labor on her behalf — even though, in her case, the only people who are being helped in practice by his gallantry are the Lodge family retainers, who presumably draw their salary no matter how much work they do on any given day. And yet generous and specific gestures aren’t the only components of an intimate life; there’s also the intangible qualities of just spending time together, as Reggie understands, to his benefit. In fact, this scenario immediately made me curious: does Reggie have the upper hand in reading this situation because he, like Veronica, is part of Riverdale’s leisured class? A quick search on Google proved that I wasn’t the only one wondering:

According to Comic Vine, Reggie is “medium rich,” a formulation that I find refreshingly frank. Reggie’s family probably refers to themselves as “upper middle class.” Let’s all support Comic Vine in its quest to establish a new, more honest vocabulary for America’s economic structure!

Judge Parker, 1/19/14

Speaking of rich people, here’s Judge Parker Senior fooling around with a deadly boa constrictor. “Ha ha, I’m a best-selling author, pillar of the community, and multimillionaire! This snake wouldn’t dare strangle me!”

Funky Winkerbean, 1/19/14

I can’t remember the details at the moment, but that park bench has Special Significance to Les and Dead Lisa — I think he proposed there, or she told him she had cancer there, or all of the above? It’s depressing, whatever it is, obviously. The question: is the bench Les’s permanent phone background wallpaper, which would explain why Cayla looks so emotionally numb in panel four, or does it just appear when Summer calls, which would explain why she’s so full of rage and frustration that she can’t fully explain?

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/18/14

Having been so long isolated from the mainstream of the U.S. and global economies, Hootin’ Holler has de facto become its own alternate currency zone.

Pluggers, 1/18/14

The crushing sameness of their dull, long, disappointing lives has numbed pluggers to the point that they rarely change facial expressions anymore. But they still need to occasionally groom the hair that continues to thrive even while their souls shrivel.

Mark Trail, 1/18/14

“Hey, wait, why are you shutting the door? Why are you locking the door? Why doesn’t my key work in the door anymore?”

Lockhorns, 1/18/14

Welp, looks like I’m pretty much the same age as Leroy Lockhorn, time to go weep endlessly somewhere!

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Hello everyone! Today’s top comment is here … for you to enjoy.

“Say what you want about New York City, at least every time your physical safety and even your life is pointlessly threatened, there’s a nearby deli to provide a nice pastrami on rye. In the wasteland of Santa Royale, your only option for overcoming existential panic is the Bum Boat and it closes ridiculously early.” –Gabacho

And the runners up are very funny as well!

“For those of you who haven’t seen the Mary Worth comic before, here’s some helpful annotations. Yes, that is a quote from Anais Nin, and no, no one knows why. Yes, that looks like the bones of a housecat on a dining room table, but it really is supposed to be a dinosaur in a museum and really really cool. Yes, Mary says stuff like ‘in previous times’ instead of ‘before.’ Again, there are theories, but no one knows why. And the five foot tall sea anemone in the last panel is a bedspread … or a scarf … or something, but it’s not a tree or a building. Hope this helps.” –Mustang

“Forget ‘Face-Time.’ I want to know about the technology which allows J. Jameson’s disembodied head to appear, uninvited, in people’s living rooms and spy on them as they watch their gold-plated, wall-mounted TVs. The family members here demonstrate the proper mixture of horror and amusement as Hitler Gym Coach Man hovers over them, Wizard of Oz style.” –Joe Blevins

“Dagwood’s posture in panel two seems like it would be an ergonomic nightmare and a chiropractor’s new set of golf clubs, but it’s important to not assign our normal human posture recommendations to bizarre bipeds with knees that jut in front of the rest of the body and are roughly 15 inches above the ground.” –Chareth Cutestory

“The Slylock-verse version of the Riddle of the Sphinx: what walks on four legs immediately following the breakout, on two legs after passing the tree, and on three legs as it hides in Slylock’s closet, waiting for the moment of vengeance?” –Nekrotzar

“So you think, ‘In a world where escaped criminals leave big black footprints wherever they go, who needs detective rodents?’ Well, look at the police dog, too out of shape to get over a short section of wall, too stupid to go around it.” –Dr. Mabuse

“Welcome to Rex Morgan, proud to be the only comic that takes legal ethics less seriously than Judge Parker!” –Master Softheart

“I see that the Keanes’ school has done the kind thing and put all the ugly, pug-faced kids in a separate class, for their own safety and self-esteem.” –pugfuggly

“The Mary Paradox, by which a biddy with a strong sense of what’s right and wrong for others makes her own personal life decisions like a cat reacting to momentary stimuli rather than based on abstract concepts such as loyalty and prior commitment. It is weirdly ‘so Mary’ to stay in New York until one random incident with a cab causes her to flee, while both of the men involved still have no idea the other exists. Look for her to bill this process as noble in hindsight next week.” –anty a

Apartment 3-G: “Wow Tommie, are you sure that woman is really your mother? No, seriously. I grew up thinking Roberta was my mother, Lu Ann recently learnt her real mom is Aunt Ruby. I’m just saying, have you ever asked to see your birth certificate?” –Horace Broon

“If you want a picture of Mark Trail’s future, imagine a flapjack being devoured by a human face—forever.” –Voshkod

“My kids had a DVD of the Heathcliff cartoon that came free with a box of cereal. Heathcliff talked, competed with a cat gang, and had a cat girlfriend with human breasts.” –Rusty

“I don’t get why Rusty keeps getting kidnapped. Isn’t the kidnapped person suppose to have some value?” –Sequitur

“Mary Worth ain’t no brassy New York gal. She couldn’t possibly handle the breakneck pacing of, say, Apartment 3-G.” –Doctor Handsome

“Ken Kensington has the bold confidence of a man who has already cloned his potential paramour.” –Revenge4Aldo

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