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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/31/12

Lukey has a rash because he’s been wearing that borrowed suit for a long time without cleaning it, so he has various skin parasites now.

Six Chix, 8/31/12

This office break room is haunted by the ghostly shades of all the people whose murders this hulking woman has covered up.

Hagar the Horrible, 8/31/12

Is Hagar filthy because his wife won’t inspect him closely — or does she refuse to get close enough to examine him because his hygiene is so bad?

Beetle Bailey, 8/31/12

This is one of the oldest, corniest jokes I’ve ever seen on the comics pages, but it’s structured around unlikable bully Sarge writhing around in pain after injuring himself, so I guess I’ll let it pass.

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Gil Thorp, 8/30/12

Say, did you hear the one about the one-armed golfer? He was the subject of this summer’s Gil Thorp storyline, which turned out to not be that interesting! Wrapping up briefly: we learned that One-Armed Steve was full of rage because he did in fact lose his arm in a non-heroic fashion (car accident while on a military base overseas), and his attempts to woo Molly Kinsella failed not because he was an amputee but because he’s a grown man and she’s still in high school, gross. But all that psychic pain was nothing a little match play couldn’t cure, so Steve got cleaned up and has learned to love life again. So instead of getting a real job and getting back on his feet, he’s going to become yet another Milford community member offering the high school no-cost coaching services! It’s a win for everyone, but mostly for Gil.

And now our fall drama is taking shape! Anita Visci is taking cookies to her new neighbor … who refers to them as “biscuits,” which means that she’s English, probably! Will her son refuse to play decent American football and instead demand equal time for his British freak sports, like rugby or cricket or punting? Will Maeve take the pram to the lift on the telly in the boot or whatever? Stay tuned!

Family Circus, 8/30/12

Ha ha, yes, we all know little kids all over this great country of ours will be glued to the tube for the next couple of weeks, thrilling to the minutia of parliamentary procedure! Actually, this cartoon is kind of dating itself, as the last presidential nominating convention where there was realistic suspense about how things would go on the first ballot was (I think) in 1980, so maybe kids were smarter then?

Blondie, 8/30/12

Dagwood has gone through all the trouble of baking a pizza in an oven, and yet he’s still leaving his hat on while he eats. I don’t know why this bothers me, but it does.

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Mark Trail, 8/29/12

Gosh, what are our sheep-killing, camera-stealing, Rusty-menacing doofuses up to now? Just a little light illegal organ harvesting, that’s all! Say, what do you suppose those “other parts” the dark-haired fellow is referring to might be? (SPOILER: Probably aphrodisiacal bear penis.) I also like the way this fellow carefully explains to his friend why his bear-bagging idea is so potentially lucrative. You’d think he’d already know this, but maybe not? “Black market? I … I thought we would just go out and hunt for the sport of it. You know, you and me, in the wilderness, testing ourselves against nature, really getting to know each other … God, I feel like such a fool.”

This isn’t the first time Mark Trail has grappled with gallbladder poaching, either. But then, all Mark Trail characters and plot points return again eventually, in slightly different combinations, following the strip’s dream-logic. Organ harvesting? Indian artifacts? Two dumb guys stealing Rusty’s camera? Every strip is an exercize in déjà vu.

Mary Worth, 8/29/12

Oh, man, this is great! Wilbur has come through a near-death experience and hasn’t deepened spiritually at all; instead, he’s learned that life is short and the time to get his is now. “There’s strong buzz about the disaster! Readers will be interested in my first-person perspective! A showcase piece in the Santa Royale Whosit will catapult me to the network morning news shows, an instant book sold in airports everywhere and, with any luck, a made-for-HBO movie starring Kevin Spacey as me! I’m gonna be rich, rich, filthy rich! Say, I wonder if I should tell Mary that she can stop doing my job for me without pay?” Oh, you’ll wish you did, Wilbur, because it sounds like she’s going to lay a load of heavy meaningfulness on some poor letter writer that’s probably going to ruin all your fun.

On an unrelated note, I dare you to explain how Wilbur’s hands are supposed to be attached to his arms in panel one. In panel two, I already know how Mary’s head is attached to her shoulders: very securely.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/29/12

I guess this is supposed to be about the fire department attempting to draft Snuffy and Lukey and force them to contribute something back to the community they’ve sponged off of for years, but when I first read it I thought maybe our protagonists were about to be burned at the stake.

Beetle Bailey, 8/29/12

YAAAY, PEACE HAS BROKEN OUT EVERYWHERE, THERE’S NOTHING MORE FOR THE ARMY TO DO EVER AGAIN