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Beetle Bailey, 2/28/10

I originally read the heading on the piece of paper tacked to the bulletin board in panel three as “Worst List”, and believed that it was meant to be an accounting of the most incompetent, ineffective, and generally bad soldiers on the base, or perhaps just the worst humans on earth. This nicely dovetails with my interpretation of the ensuing panels, in which Beetle, struck by shame, climbs atop a building intending to jump off and end it all, and convinces many of his fellow soldiers to join him. Unfortunately, since the structure only appears to be 12 feet high or so, this too will probably end in failure, with the attempted mass suicide only resulting in a few broken ankles.

Judge Parker, 2/28/10

Hey, remember how there was this entire other Judge Parker plot going on, which, despite its many crimes against legal ethics, was actually somewhat more interesting than the Rocky-Godiva marital problems storyline? Well, it, uh, got resolved, completely offstage, apparently! Thank goodness this one of Barreto’s last few Sunday strips (or perhaps one of his son’s?), so that these boring people standing around some dull office explaining the resolution confusingly are at least halfway attractive to look at.

Marvin, 2/28/10

“Well, it looks like we’ll have to turn to cannibalism! We’ll start with Marvin, naturally. I’ll fire up the grill.”

“But honey, we have plenty of food in the ho—”

“I SAID I’LL FIRE UP THE GRILL!”

Panel from Blondie, 2/28/10

It’s only a dream sequence, but this panel offers further unsettling detail on the always grim relationship between Dagwood and his boss. We’re no doubt meant to chortle at Dagwood’s comically twisted leg, but I can’t stop looking at Dithers’s heel planted squarely on the poor man’s throat.

Panel from Mary Worth, 2/28/10

At last, the nature of Wilbur and Kurt’s forest frolic becomes clear: A laughing Wilbur is giving his smiling not-son a bit of a head start before he starts hunting him for sport. Truly, emotionally needy con artists are the most dangerous game.

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Archie, 2/27/10

I kind of love Jughead’s melodramatic hat-flipping drink-exploding spit-take of rage in panel three. It’s as if this final bit of Archie idiocy is just too much for him to handle. “Argh, I can’t believe I’ve been playing second banana to this moron for seventy years!”

Mary Worth, 2/27/10

If Mary Worth wants to dedicate a panel a day to Wilbur and Kurt’s ludicrous tomfoolery indefinitely, I for one would be OK with that. Today sets a hilariously low bar for the definition of “quality time.” “Hey Wilbur, hey Wilbur, check this out — I’m eating my own finger! Ha ha! No, don’t worry I’m not doing it really, but look, it looks like I am! Pretty funny, right?”

Spider-Man, 2/27/10

I’m sure these firefighters are just thrilled to have some out-of-town semi-employed “photojournalist,” armed with what appears to be a plastic Fisher-Price “My First Camera,” standing six inches behind them narrating every thought in his head aloud while they attempt to do their jobs. “Gosh, you guys, if we were in New York, Spider-Man could totally help me out right about now! But, uh, he doesn’t live here. Hey, is that someone burning to death upstairs? You guys? Anyone else hear that?”

Gil Thorp, 2/27/10

Aw, look how pleased Coach Kaz looks in the final panel — for once, someone is coming to him for advice! Sadly, it will just be another young man asking furtive questions about unbearable itching “down there,” proving once again why it’s a bad idea to overshare about your personal life when you’re substitute-teaching a high school health class.

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Mary Worth, 2/26/10

As I’ve noted before, there are few things in this world that fill me with more loathing and disgust than Wilbur’s happiness, so I hereby give Mary the go-ahead to unleash whatever joy-killing meddle she’s so transparently plotting. Ugh, what are Kurt and Wilbur even doing in that second panel? “Hey, let’s go down to the Old Unmowed Hillock. Okay, wait, let me clamber up a few steps … ha ha, look, I’m taller than you! Whee, isn’t this fun! OK, now hold your arms out, I’m going to jump into them!”

Also, confidential to the Mary Worth artists: Please do not dress Wilbur in white, and if you do, please do not depict him from the waist up only, as he looks disconcertingly like a shmoo.

Dennis the Menace, 2/26/10

Dennis realizes that he would have been much more menacing if he had been raised by a pack of feral dogs.