Post Content

Funky Winkerbean, 6/26/09

“You see, Kayla, eventually, like everything I touch, you will die, in pain. The question is, will you have made enough of an emotional impression on me to leave me wistful and emotionally bruised for the next decade? Will your brave but ultimately doomed fight against mortality bring a wistful, noble tear to my eye, and to the eyes of millions of readers across the country? Will you have finally broken through Summer’s shell of reserve, leaving her shattered at the knowledge that she might have had the mother figure in her life that she’s always needed? In short, we need time to build up that kind of emotional baggage, and frankly I don’t think we’re going to get there by enjoying ourselves, with sex.”

Family Circus, 6/26/09

It’s kind of true: since Billy isn’t allowed to wander outside the compound walls or to watch the devil’s “television” box, his only guide to appropriate behavior is the Old Testament, which, for all of its merits, has relatively little information on children’s leisure activities.

Baldo, 6/26/09

Tia Carmen and Baldo have a shared interest in very specific kinds of fetish pornography, a bond that draws them closer but that they very rarely acknowledge.

Post Content

Spider-Man, 6/25/09

Actual super-hero combat has been taking place over the last few days in Spider-Man! Since it doesn’t feature the strip’s core storytelling competencies (whining, television watching, costume forgetting) it hasn’t really held much appeal for me, but I have to say appreciate the vague sexual awkwardness that underlies the slapstick here. It’s like somebody made a porno version of The X-Men Meet The Three Stooges.

Archie, 6/25/09

It appears that Archie and Jughead will be fired from one job after another this summer; already their trail of failure has led them to the ultimate shame for any middle-class suburban teenager: actual physical labor. Sadly, they’ll never have a chance to learn the true dignity that comes from working the soil; instead, they’ll inevitably be sent packing once Jughead leaps onto that ice cream truck like a feral animal, tearing it to pieces and devouring anything even vaguely edible within, including the driver.

Family Circus, 6/25/09

“So whatever happy-time pills you gave to your brother to make him look so blissed out, you’d better share ’em, if you know what’s good for you.”

Post Content

Judge Parker, 6/24/09

I know, I know: Judge Parker has been absolutely bonkers for the last month and I’ve been AWOL on it. To be honest, I’ve had a hard time coming to grips with just how I’m supposed to feel about the wacky tale of Sophie’s cheerleading coup, and the constellation of forces that are coming together to bring that about. I’ve been suspicious of her move to seize the cheerleading captaincy from the start, not least because of my experiences as a high school nerd and outcast. Because, when I was taunted and humiliated by socially elite members of the football team, I never dreamed of winning the quarterback’s position as a result of some complex calculus involving my heretofore undiscovered skills and my antagonists’ poor grades; I just wanted the football team to die, in a fire.

So anyway, I’ve been kind of hoping that Sophie would pull off some absurdist stunt at cheerleading tryouts that would completely undermine the legitimacy of cheerleading as an institution in the minds of her high school classmates. But instead now we are confronted with Sophie’s Long Study Hall Of Despair, when we learn that she really has wanted to cast off her lilac pantsuit all along and seize the mantle of Queen Bee of Whatever High. More to the point, she’ll presumably buck up after this little pep talk and manage to leap and twirl her way to improbable victory, with the support of her incredibly wealthy parents, two celebrities who are on her side because they want to purchase a horse from said wealthy parents for millions of dollars, and the school administration, proving that those nasty cheerleading moms are entirely correct in all their accusations.

Slylock Fox, 6/24/09

I’ve always assumed, based on the gross incompetence of most of his schemes, that Count Weirdly graduated dead last in his class at Mad Science Academy, and yet here he is at the controls of what appears to be a fully functional combination time machine/hover-bubble. Of course, I’d have a human factors engineer look at that control panel before he starts mass-manufacturing these for production — hope you enjoy your visits to the years 2, 9, 3, 27, 10, 6, 41, and 29, kids!

More troubling, though, is the sight of the Count and Slylock and Max laughing it up together as they voyage through time to snicker at a doomed race. Could their long-standing and constant animosity be a front for some deeper scheme or grift? Or did Weirdly first make a solo voyage to the past in order to change history and create a new timeline in which he and the detective team were best buds? It would be rather poignant if all he ever wanted in all his scheming was real friends.

The Lockhorns and Dilbert, 6/24/09

I couldn’t really tell you what these comics are supposed to mean, because Dilbert is using words I don’t understand and the Lockhorns is using phrases that I’m pretty sure the writer doesn’t understand, but I’m worried at the underlying implication, which is that the U.S. government, alarmed at declining tax revenues during the recession, is looking to audit high-earners and is targeting cartoonists. Faulty intelligence again, I’m afraid.

Beetle Bailey, 6/24/09

“Also, he shat himself, but I think that’s just because he was drunk.”