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Mary Worth, 1/19/25

“Josh,” you’re probably wondering, “how can this storyline about Dawn’s relationship with her new emotionally volatile bully of a boyfriend get any more off-putting?” Well, what if we dragged in her emotionally manipulative creep of an ex, Jared, for good measure? Really loving his thought balloon here: in the Girl Race he and Dirk have cooked up, he’s cheering for his champion the Right Way, while Dirk’s technique is gauche and over the top. Does this presage worse things to come? He’ll hold his counsel, for now.

Dick Tracy, 1/19/25

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on how things have been going in Dick Tracy over the past few months, but it turns out that the storyline that appeared to be about some construction industry corruption has ended in … Nazis! Nazis, and the Nazi-curious grandchildren of Nazis, the latter of which are assuming important roles in American business and industry. Dick thought he had defeated the Nazi menace by selling war bonds, but clearly that wasn’t enough.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/19/25

Personally, if I were one of a host of resentful vassals of a rich and powerful duke, I would simply rise up with my fellows and plunder his castle myself. Accepting token bribes from some outside raiders to look the other way so that they could go and seize the duke’s wealth seems like an overly complicated transaction that quite frankly doesn’t adequately reward me and my comrades for our crucial role in how things play out.

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Shoe, 1/18/25

It’s true: closed captions aren’t just for the hearing impaired. They also help viewers in a variety of contexts where speech may be difficult to understand, allowing them to enjoy programs that they would otherwise have a hard time following. Thanks for the tip, Perfesser!

Pluggers, 1/18/25

It’s true: tofu doesn’t have much of a flavor itself, but it absorbs sauces and other flavors from whatever dish it’s in, so it’s an adaptable form of protein that works in a lot of different meals. Congrats on overcoming your culinary xenophobia and figuring this out, Bear-Man!

Marvin, 1/18/25

It’s honestly quite rude of Marvin to wait for me to publicly admit that it hasn’t really done many piss or shit jokes lately and then hit me with a piss joke at the end of the week. Anyway, I really like the implication here that, having been housebroken, Bitsy can never go back, not even in the most dire of circumstances. You don’t actually have to piss outside, Bitsy, if you have any courage!

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Ready for your comment of the week? Ready? Ready???? Here it is!

“As an Xer, I find Joey’s Thom Browne-inspired skinny jeans and exposed ankles look unnerving and a bit gauche. On the other hand, I’m comforted by his classic low top Chuck’s and his ‘dude, let’s go’ posture. Menacing? No, he’s exuding self-confidence and risk taking while Dennis goes back to the socks + overalls well yet again.” –Bull City

And here are your funny runners up!

“How is a vision problem that bad corrected with contact lenses? There must be an audible squeak every time she blinks.” –pugfuggly

“Shoe could have suggested saving on overhead by mooching off a neighbor’s wi-fi, since that’s apparently what he’s doing. Unless he has some kind of treethernet.” –astroboy

“Wilbur walking back from the airport, wearing a sombrero, arms loaded with luggage, clumsily bumps into Dirk knocking him in front of a city bus is probably the only solution to this story line that doesn’t require real insight.” –Hibbleton

“Shoe is written for the rapidly-dwindling audience that still considers the internet a fad. Once the last member of that audience finally, finally dies of extreme old age, Shoe will only continue for another 10 or 15 years. Meanwhile, Curtis will continue to comfort those who still consider rap music a fad. And Snuffy Smith will do so for … electricity, I guess? Do they have electricity?” –Joe Blevins

“[Attenborough voice] Sam now confronts Alan. The startled Judge responds instinctively, mirroring the posture of the aggressive younger male. With his dominance reinforced, the storyline can now return to its previously peaceful boring state.” –BarflyLS20

“Let me tell you a story … ‘In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit’ … [twenty-seven hours later] ‘He drew a deep breath. Well, I’m back, he said.’ What? I thought a nerdgirl like you would appreciate a classic.” –Voshkod

“Look, Ketcham & Kompany, I appreciate the stab at verisimilitude, but honestly, you only needed to shadow the under-the-bed area. Because as it is now, it looks like only thing in this room that hasn’t pissed itself is your titular character, and while frankly I wouldn’t put it past Joey to just let ‘er rip wherever he happens to be standing, I don’t need to think that either a) the shoes, toy truck, etc. have evolved bladders or b) Joey made sure to hit everything in the room while Dennis was making up a reason to wear socks like the simp he is.” –els

“Dirk has learned to weaponize therapy speak to manipulate people even further. Mary will be stuck in a conundrum: Should game respect game, or is it right to feel jealous at a younger competitor?” –Philip

“You’re worried about the relationship between Bitsy and Marvin. Me? I’m worried about how the dog eats with those enormous molars. How does he even close his mouth?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Here’s Exhibit A in my IP lawsuit against Hanna-Barbera, who owe me millions for Muttley.” –ValdVin

“Whatever that thing is, it’s in front of the trees, so I’d estimate its size as … Wait, am I trying to draw conclusions about Alice based on the laws of perspective? Never mind.” –Horace Broon

“She had selflessly left a kitchenware party to tend to my grievous wounds. ‘Just call me Angel of the Corning, she cooed.’” –Bob Tice

“‘I awoke in Heaven…’ Wait, this was when you had just committed crimes, before your redemption. You mean that you can go to Heaven, whatever your deeds? The Phantom runs on Calvinism!” –Ettorre

“The chin is weird, but I’m struck by the glum expressions all around. Did someone notice that there are six plates, but only five forks, and no napkins whatsoever?” –Charterstoned

“Do the Keane kids HAVE that many grandparents? Or did they just invite a nearby nursing home to party?” –MKay

“You think you’ve earned a little fourth-wall break, Curtis? Huh? You think you’re fuckin’ Bushmiller-era Nancy? Is that it?” –Dan

“Frankly I can’t think of a more apt dilemma for a Rex Morgan character than ‘I want to do something interesting, but it’s just so haaaaaaard!’” –TheDiva

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