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Funky Winkerbean, 4/24/09

“What? No, I’m not dying … of anything specific. It’s just … well, can’t you feel the hovering specter of death, floating around this town? Don’t you know deep in your bones that we’re all destined for an awful fate? Don’t you feel like at any minute we could be yanked off of this stage in a gruesome and arbitrary fashion, just on some unseen power’s whim? I know my life here is grim, but I still want to postpone that terrible moment for as long as possible.”

Apartment 3-G, 4/24/09

Obviously I would have preferred that Tommie had burned her attacker’s face off as I predicted rather than just giving him a seemingly harmless spritz up his nose. Still, this move may be smarter than it seems at first. After all, the currently red-headed Dr. Kelly was a blond in March and had brown hair in January. Obviously his current aggressive behavior is a result of his mind being taken over by a sinister alien parasite that’s taken over his brain; this creature has perched atop his head, for the most part assuming the appearance of human hair, but unable to maintain a consistent color due to quirks in its unearthly biology. The first step to defeating this monster is to immobilize it, as Tommie is doing with a generous application of generic hairspray.

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Apartment 3-G, 4/23/09

It’s obvious that Tommie, the most passive of the three 3-G girls, isn’t going to fight or think her way out her current contretemps with three-time Creepy, Dangerous Father Of The Year winner Joe Kelly. Today, the contours of her rescue by braver souls are taking shape. First, Ruby will blind the not-so-good doctor by throwing toxic cleaning agents into his eyes; then, when he falls to the floor in pain, Margo will beat him to death with her umbrella.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/23/09

Hootin’ Holler’s only clergyman is a greedy fraud, so it should come as no surprise that the religious educational level of the shantytown’s children is in such a low state.

Crankshaft, 4/23/09

The guardians of baseball’s integrity have failed to stem the tide of substance-driven cheating with arguments such as “Cheating violates the integrity of baseball!” and “Using performance-enhancing drugs will harm your health!” As a result, they’re breaking out the heavy artillery. “Do you know who cheats at baseball? Do you? Dirty, filthy communists, that’s who!”

Crock, 4/23/09

The Lost Patrol has been wandering in the desert for years now with only each other for company, so it’s really no surprise that all four of them have herpes at this point. But it’s still kind of awkward to bring up, dude.

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Oh, look, it’s Earth Day, and once again many comics are awkwardly leaping on the environmental bandwagon! Let’s check out the oddest strips:

Beetle Bailey, 4/22/09

Ha ha, it’s funny because “earth” can mean the planet or dirt, and also because Zero is stupid! Of course, this is infinitely preferable to another tree-fucking strip.

Phantom, 4/22/09

You might think it’s kind of weird that Mrs. The Phantom has a special Earth Day briefcase that she just happens to have prominently displayed on the day that she will parachute onto a cargo ship bearing her family and a bunch of lizard men. (If you’re not following this strip, she’s doing this to keep the ship’s sexy lady captain from putting the moves on her spandex-clad husband, FYI.) But since she works for the UN, and the whole environmental movement is just a cover for the brewing one-world-government conspiracy, it all makes perfect sense that she’d be required by her job to tote propaganda around with her at all times.

Spider-Man, 4/22/09

You have to hand it to Spider-Man (the comic strip) for constantly working on new and innovative ways of making Spider-Man (the character) completely unlikeable. The buffoonish, semi-competent Electro has been given one, and only one, redeeming characteristic: his sincere love for his son. So naturally Spider-Man is using this fatherly affection to entrap him, keeping it foregrounded in the story and making Electro seem more sympathetic; as if realizing that this is the case, Spidey apparently has decided to just go all out with the dickery and make some cheesy joke about Earth Day while the villain desperately tries to break free to find his injured child. Naturally, Spider-Man cares not a whit for the environment: to generate all the electricity that his unceasing television-viewing requires, whole West Virginia mountains must be leveled to extract the precious coal within.

Curtis, Marvin, and Dennis the Menace, 4/22/09

Meanwhile, these three strips are here to show us the true meaning of Earth Day, which is that children of all races are filthy, disgusting monsters.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/22/09

Speaking of filthy and disgusting, in non-Earth Day news, today’s Funky Winkerbean features one character telling another about vomiting, and, as a “punchline,” the second character recoils in disgust. Funky Winkerbean, ladies and gentlemen!

Family Circus, 4/22/09

Yup, she sure is making life grand! By sitting there in the living room, quietly reading the newspaper. While the kids gather in the doorway, watching her, enraptured. Seriously, this family creeps me out so God-damned much.