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Mary Worth, 6/11/08

Is today’s panel two the most unintentionally mirth-inducing Mary Worth moment since “my very own meth lab”? It’s sure got a lot going for it. First of all, there’s the idea that Mary and/or Ron are being followed at all times by paparazzi determined to catch them canoodling sexily at one of Santa Royale’s swankiest midscale ethnic restaurants. I mean, obviously Santa Royale is the most boring city in America, but surely it can’t be so boring that the dining life of newly appointed/elected town councilmen is front page news, or any page news. Are there no zoning disputes? Are there no kittens caught in trees? Couldn’t those column inches be more productively filled with classified advertising, or legal notices?

Then there’s Jeff’s palpable and hilarious outrage. He just spent a whole series of strips arguing with Mary because she was going to blow off date night with him to go spend time with another man, and here he has photographic proof that … she spent time with the man she said she was going to spend time with! I’d say that he’s really upset about the public humiliation, but I can’t imagine that anything could be more publicly humiliating than being Mary Worth’s asexual not-boyfriend.

For Better Or For Worse, 6/11/08

I really had to go back and look carefully at the first panel of this strip and see that there was a rubber glove lying idly on the toolbench, because for a moment I thought that Ellie had torn off one of her own hands and hurled it at her lazy husband in a fit of rage.

Herb and Jamaal, 6/11/08

Ha, it’s funny because (choose one):

• Herb’s wife has a terrible substance abuse problem and Herb needs to keep that $1,800 from going up her nose.
• Herb has a terrible gambling problem and wants to play that $1,800 at the greyhound track before his wife fritters it away on groceries and health insurance.
• Herb’s wife is not allowed to watch TV or read the newspaper or go online, so she has no idea what this “stimulus check” of which you speak is.

Crankshaft, 6/11/08

I suppose this is supposed to be some kind of store window display, but I really, really want to believe that Crankshaft’s daughter, desperate to find something that will keep her belligerent, disoriented father entertained, has taken him to a peep show that either has been cleaned up for family newspaper or is catering to a very specific fetish. Of course, if that were the case he’d be saying, “I guess that’s what you’d call ‘Socks in the City.'”

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Family Circus, 6/10/08

Congratulations to the Family Circus for providing the most stomach-turning visual image of the day. Usually I think the limited palate used to colorize the King Features strips detracts from their visual impact, but there’s no question in my mind that that’s exactly the right shade of brown to use to instill total revulsion into the hearts of right-thinking people everywhere. With the lint on the side, it actually looks like Jeffy has a shrunken head on a stick. The little droplet of extra brown coming off the side in particular will be featuring into my nightmares.

Apartment 3-G, 6/10/08

Like so many artists before him, Alan is proving to be a remarkably inept businessman. I love his look of shock and disgust in the second panel as he contemplates the arrival of people who actually want to buy what he’s selling. Hey, Alan, who did you think was going to buy your “rock,” hedge fund managers and mid-level British aristocracy? He’s about to learn a hard lesson, which is that when you deal crack, you end up having to deal with crackheads.

Gil Thorp, 6/10/08

It’s painfully obvious that Elmer and his “BFF” Branden have run off together to get married so as to fix the former’s immigration situation, so I won’t dwell on that (except to note that, based on the experiences of friends and family who have wed Canadians, it does not work like that anymore [if it ever did] so please don’t try this at home). Instead, I feel a need to focus on Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp’s clothes. More specifically, what the hell is going on with her clothes? She seems to be wearing some kind of belted one-piece collared-dress-coullotte number, which, I feel, would be a bad fashion choice if such a thing actually existed, which I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/10/08

I’d like to say that “What makes you think I know anything about them?” is one of the most reasonable possible answers to “I need to know what happened to the old wrestling mats at Hamilton Middle School!” We also would have accepted “Wrestling mats? What the hell are you talking about?” But panel three shows why our be-soul-patched miscreant was so quick to flee the man he thought was a cop: he’s obviously incapable of standing up to even the gentlest level of interrogation. “Hey … is this about the kid that was smothered to death by those wrestling mats and then his body was thrown in the river? Wait, MRSA? What’s that? Oh, un, then never mind about the first thing.”

Mark Trail, 6/10/08

Ha ha, Cherry, it’s all well and good that you want to stand on your own, but I’m not sure that you’ve noticed that you have a vagina. The fact that Kelly Welly is similarly endowed and yet manages to function without a male guardian is the main reason why Mark and Doc find her so unsettling. But, you, my dear, are no Kelly Welly. In fact, I think you’re about to accidentally stick your hand into that pot of boiling water.

Six Chix, 6/10/08

Hey, everybody, here’s today’s Six Chix! It’s about chickens fucking.

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Monday night is COTW time ’round these parts, but I have a couple of items of possible interest to you before we get to that. First off is this awesome pic from faithful and very pregnant reader Jennifer, preparing to train her baby in the ways of Mark Trail by means of an Official Fist o’ Justice T-shirt!

Jennifer sent me this picture a couple of days ago, so for all I know she could be giving birth RIGHT NOW! Anyone in range of that Trailian fist, know this: When she says she wants the pain meds, you give her the pain meds. And once the kid’s arrived, don’t forget, Jennifer: there’s an infant version available!

Also! You may recall that a few days ago that Jamaal of Herb and Jamaal, in his litany of signs of his alienation from his fellow man, made passing reference to “no blog replies.” Faithful reader Mike Podgorski took this to the logical next step, and created A “Blog” About Things, in which Jamaal can finally find his voice. Sadly, there are very few comments as of yet, no doubt reinforcing the big lug’s self-loathing. Mike is also the man behind the Amazing Spider-Blog, which focuses on Spidey’s inane newspaper adventures; I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it here before, but it definitely deserves a look!

And now, without further ado — it’s COTW TIME!

“Poor Toby — wandering aimlessly around the Hotel California-like environs of Charterstone, sentenced to a pointless existence as a beard for her bear of a husband, deriving sad pleasure from meddling in the stilted courtship ritual of two senior citizens. I make it sound more interesting than it really is.” –trey le parc

This comment was painstakingly selected from our almost-as-funny finalists:

“This week’s Rex Morgan plot seems like the world’s most complicated teen-STD lesson. ‘You know, kids, every time you wrestle on a mat, it’s like you’re wrestling with everyone who’s ever wrestled on that mat before.'” –BigTed

“After Rex talks to the security guard, he meets June and Carol in the gym! I do not think that warrants exclamation marks! But we’re getting them anyway!” –Bootsy

“Alan is quite the foppish crackhead. ‘Now, to abscond with my purloined bills and beat a hasty path to the door of that rakish purveyor of contraband pharmaceuticals. My central nervous system shall be well and truly stimulated within the hour.'” –Ned Ryerson

“I’m willing to endure as many ‘Look at all the shoe stores — no wonder they call it Broads-way!’ and ‘There’s too many minorities!’ jokes as Batuik and Ayers can throw my way as long as this storyline holds the remote possibility of Crankshaft getting mugged. It will be a fitting end to his RAPIER WIT. Because he’ll be stabbed. Repeatedly.” –Fat Charlie

“Of course, Ron’s ‘good news’ is he’s re-evaluated his life thanks to Mary’s sage council and he’s getting back together with his ex. Now Mary gets to taste the bitter tea leaves of poetic justice, spritzed lightly with the acerbic lemon of irony.” –A Lemur

“I’ve finally figured out what Frank Bolle’s A3G artwork reminds me of: the illustrated emergency exit instructions you find in airplanes. No matter how dire the straits of the dope-addled junkie, he exhibits the vacant smile and pressed collar of a mannequin in a Macy’s catalog.” –minor flood

“I think Margo set the Wedding March to play when Tommie calls, with the dual purpose of cruelly mocking the hapless redhead and reassuring herself that she is not actually the MOST pathetic person in the universe.” –Violet

[In response to speculation that Margo wants to get married because her biological clock is ticking]: “Sadly, sperm shriek and kill themselves at the thought of entering Margo’s uterus and the horrible, naked, ringless egg that awaits them. The hardier ones actually refuse to leave their host, clinging to whatever they can, preferring the relatively merciful death by post-coital urination to the horrors that lie Over There.” –Paul1963

“‘Grassroots political activities’ = ExxonMobil astroturf campaign, from the looks of that haircut.” –BCist

“I suppose it’s a tired point, but Judge Parker should really be retitled Sexy People Doing Boring Things.” –Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator

“It would be the greatest thing ever should Grampa Jim pull a Farley at the Granthony-Lizardbreath nuptials. Which, of course, must go on while Deanna (who gets all the icky jobs, like being married to Michael) has to wheel the body out.” –Mac

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