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Judge Parker, 12/15/07

Good lord, didn’t we polish off this Randy-runs-for-judge storyline more than a year ago, when Randy’s opponent was revealed to have a alcoholic wife and to thus be unsuitable for the bench? Even presidential elections don’t drag out this long. Since then, Randy has clearly been zapped with some kind of dignifying ray, what with his more mature, slightly lined face and sudden penchant for vests. Apparently people don’t want their judges looking like twelve-year-olds.

Still, the fact that Randy’s campaign poster was printed over in “Parkersburg” reveals the Turkmenbashi-style cult of personality that the Parkers hold over this part of the country. With whole towns named after his family, it seems doubtful that anyone could keep Randy from the judgeship that’s been promised him since birth. Voters trudging to the polls under the watchful gaze of the forty-foot-tall golden statue of Judge Parker Senior will know what to do if they want to make it home alive.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/15/07

Boy, ten years have sure allowed Mopey Pete to hone his lady-wooing prowess. Because if there’s one thing a woman looks for in a potential sexual partner, it’s a hand so cramped as to interfere with fine motor control skills.

Family Circus, 12/15/07

This comic probably would have been funnier (though not actually funny per se) if it had been published at some time other than the dead of winter. “It’s called the scream door because when they lock us outside in the snow, we scream through it begging for them to let us back in. Generally they can’t hear us, though, because the inside door is closed and they’re in the living room watching TV.”

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/16/07

Another TDIET from a faithful reader! Today, the Great Ka-Floopa Gush reminds us of those halcyon days of youth, when institutionalized schooling was so dreadful that the sweet embrace of unconsciousness was preferable.

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Blondie, 12/14/07

I think I’ve made it clear that I oppose the coloring of daily comics, especially when the artists aren’t the one making the color choices. It’s particularly bad when the strips are specifically created with coloring conventions that accommodate publication in black and white and then are colored in. One of the most disconcerting examples of this is when something in a strip is supposed to be red and is colored solid black in the black-and-white version. It makes total sense in a monochrome format, but once you add color into the mix, you get bizarre results like Hi and Lois’ S&M Valentine’s Day, or Dagwood the goth Santa.

I got some fine pics from a meetup from faithful readers in greater Portland, which I’ll be running in the next day or two, but I did want to share a related anecdote from faithful reader Brown-Eyed Girl that’s relevant here:

As I was trying (and failing) to find the highway out of Portland, I stumbled across the Santacon: 600+ people dressed up like Santa Claus marching through downtown Portland. Well, staggering through downtown Portland; many of them were drunk. In honor of the black-clad Santa in Luann, I’ve sent you a picture of a black-clad Santa. “Better dead than red,” he said.

I should add that I only see Luann in black and white, and so black-suited Santas there seem totally reasonable to me. Dagwood’s hat, however, gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Gil Thorp, 12/14/07

No one is ever, ever allowed to make fun of the art in Gil Thorp again. Ever. What other strip would aim so high as to give us triple-Bill punching action? I particularly like the way that that the lead Valley Tech Vandal’s omnipresent hat is blasted off his head by Bill’s very first punch, symbolically emasculating him. It’s unclear whether he’s holding his face in panel three because he’s bleeding everywhere or because he’s ashamed of being beaten up by a dude with one leg.

Meanwhile, Cully’s sad face in panel three indicates that he’s getting no joy from this savage beatdown. Either his time in prison has shown him that the turn to violence is never any kind of victory, or he’s disappointed that he didn’t get to break these guys in half himself with his “wrestling moves.”

Curtis, 12/14/07

“Well, you were wearin’ shorts and flip-flops, I should say. I was wearing the same damn outfit I have on now, just like I do every other day of my life.”

Beetle Bailey, 12/14/07

Ha! It’s funny because the U.S. Army’s officer corps is mostly composed of desperate alcoholics!

Pluggers, 12/14/07

Pluggers know that a plastic sofa cover is a lot cheaper than fancy incontinence medication.

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Mark Trail, 12/13/07

Steve McQueen death hoax shocker!

Shocking evidence from north of the border indicates that movie legend Steve McQueen, universally thought to have died in Mexico in 1980 after receiving nontraditional treatment for his lung cancer, may have faked his death and moved to Canada to achieve his lifelong fantasy: to become a Mountie! “After being a racecar driver and an actor, if Steve could have done one thing, it would have been to join the RCMP,” former wife Ali MacGraw was quoted as saying in a 1986 interview. Now this photo, taken by an anonymous source in a rural Canadian town, confirms that McQueen has been living his dream for the last three decades:

At 77, Sergeant McQueen is the oldest active member of the RCMP.

Judge Parker, 12/13/07

Let’s ignore for the moment the Magical MacGuffin brownies that are only going to disappoint us. Judging by the rather blurry appearance of Sophie in the background, she’s gotten tired of the constant mockery of her lilac pantsuits. Presumably, after carefully studying information she found on the subject on the Internet and making a detailed list of the pros and cons, she decided that it was time for her to experience puberty.

Family Circus, 12/13/07

Or you could just try opening your mouth, Billy. That ought to work pretty well.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/13/07

YES! GIRLFIGHT! GIRLFIGHT! GIRLFIGHT FOR ANTHONY AND FRANCIE’S LOOOOOOOVE! MOST POINTLESS GIRLFIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF GIRLFIGHTS!

Gil Thorp, 12/13/07

Oh my gosh, “Slow down!” That’s even one step beyond “Ease up”! Surely some terribly carnage is about to commence.

Sally Forth, 12/13/07

Goodness, it’s nice to see Ted Forth feeling better. He’s high on life! And possibly meth.