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The Phantom, 1/16/08

Hooray, I did it! I managed to get through the entire previous incredibly moronic Phantom storyline without mentioning it in this blog once! This one is just getting started, and may turn out to be just as dumb, but I can’t resist today’s installment, in which Diana Walker (aka The Phantom’s Imported Caucasian Bride) is, as our narration box tells us, chatting with her friends about their career choices. (Side note: Hey, narration box, do you think that you don’t need a verb just because you have an exclamation point? Hmmm?) It sure was nice of Diana and her friend the cop to arrange to meet their friend the waitress for lunch while she was working the lunch shift. “It’ll be fun! We’ll talk while you serve us our meal! Maybe we’ll even tip you!” As if that wasn’t bad enough, cop-lady is stealing waitress-lady’s lifelong dream. “That’s the answer! Jungle patrol! Be sure to think of the adventures I’m having out on the frontier the next time an old man yells at you because his coffee’s too hot!”

Funky Winkerbean, 1/16/08

Not being married to a band director, I guess I can’t be expected to truly understand the horror that they go through, but I admit to not seeing the connection between being left home alone as your partner leads a group of teenagers through a forced march through the parking lot while they play an Andrew Lloyd Weber medley and this unappetizing combination of foodstuffs. There are a couple of possible explanations here:

• John’s total inability to cook, which I had blamed on a terminal case of Stereotypical Comic-Strip Maleness, is actually some sort of little-talked-about side effect of marrying a band director. Enormous bowls of M&Ms and six-packs of BEER-brand beer are actually the best he can do for hospitality, considering his condition. Since the other members of his meeting are in the same boat, they can’t complain about it.
• Being a band director’s spouse in Funky Winkerbean is some kind of double-whammy of crushing depression, and so the only thing for it is a tasty combo of alcohol and sugar. In fact, I’m not convinced that the colorful tablets in those bowls are actually M&Ms. I think the band directors are going to make their troubles go away with a cocktail of cheap beer and bootleg prescription pharmaceuticals — the “M&Ms” ruse is just to keep the kids none the wiser.

Judge Parker, 1/16/08

OK, I totally take back what I said earlier about Sam not being a sexual harassment risk. There’s really no good explanation for his pose in the third panel unless he’s about to casually look down and say, “Hey, whaddya know? My pants just came undone! Could you help me with that … partner?”

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Gil Thorp, 1/15/08

I’m pretty sure this is the most effort ever put into painting some kind of psychological portrait of a Gil Thorp character. Usually these demented cubist weirdoes just do bizarre stuff like cut off their legs or hit themselves in the back of the head with a stick without any obvious motivation, but for some reason we’re getting the full backstory on what makes the A-Train tick. Sure, it’s nothing ground-breaking — oh my God, a star high school athlete is kind of competitive! — but I have to admit to really liking the final flashback panel, where Andrew savagely crumples up his own paper when he discovers that his girlfriend is smarter than he is. His twisted, angry face makes it look like this is the moment when Lex Luthor decided to become a genius supervillain. “I’ll show her who knows more about American history … when I rule America! MOO ha ha!”

Judge Parker, 1/15/08

This is a good example of how having different people writing and illustrating a strip can result in an amusing disconnect. Gloria is Sam’s longtime legal secretary or personal assistant or something non-lawyer-y, and it’s totally possible that the dialog as written is supposed to be taken at face value and Sam really does think of Gloria as his real partner in the lawyerin’ business. But his heavy-lidded smirky expression in the second panel pretty much makes him look like the most condescending citizen of Smugville, U.S.A., and Gloria’s little insert closeup seems to indicate that she isn’t buying it. “OK, he’s a prick, but at least I don’t have to worry about him sexually harassing me,” she seems to be thinking.

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OK, boys and girls, your blogger had a lot of real work to do today and wasn’t even able to read the comics, much less blog about them. Expect Tuesday and Wednesday comics tomorrow morning. But! To tide you over, I have a big exciting announcement! Well, exciting if you live in Tucson, anyway.

Do you live in or near Tucson? At the beginning of March, I’ll be taking one of my many vacations (start whining about it now) in the greater Sonoran desert region, and I’d like to plan to meet up with y’all! And there will be a special guest: MR. BOB WEBER, JR.! March 7! Early evening! The Kon-Tiki at the corner of E. Broadway and N. Swan! MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!!!

Everyone who doesn’t live near Tucson: Um, comics tomorrow, I guess. G’Night!