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Family Circus, 12/11/07

Many years ago (OK, three, but that’s a long time in the world of blogging), I decried the narrative technique on display in today’s Family Circus as “dialogue that’s half in word balloons, half in quote marks below the panel, and all half-assed.” Today I think the narrative trickery is there only to distract us from the panel’s total failure to make sense. Never mind the fact that the only people who criticize the youth of today and their “y’know”-saying ways are roughly six to eight times older than Billy; why is Billy standing there with studied ease, one hand in his pocket, as Dolly bellows in his face from six inches away? Are they meant to demonstrate the differing attitudes of their teachers — one all mellow and relaxed (possibly due to weed) and one all shrill and controlling (possibly due to coke)?

Meanwhile, on December 10, 2007, after 50+ years, Marmaduke’s creators apparently ran out of enormous-dog-themed jokes that can be told in a single-panel format, and beginning today will be trying out this “sequential art” concept they’ve heard so much about. Readers who have always been concerned about how closely Marmaduke’s owner resembles Hitler will be made uncomfortable by the upper half of the panel.

Ziggy, 12/11/07

I’m all in favor of Ziggy being taunted by his television set, but this just seems like a friendly jest as he attempts to scroll through all the wonderful entertainment offerings provided by his local cable company. We really need for the question mark on the TV to be removed, along with Ziggy’s dialogue, to provide the sense of soul-crushing ennui that I demand from this feature.

Sally Forth, 12/11/07

I think we’re all glad that Ted has moved from unshaven, unemployed layabout to chipper seasonal minimum wage worker, but someone needs to tell him that he SHOULDN’T. WEAR. THE HIDEOUS ORANGE VEST. IN. THE HOUSE. With the nametag and everything. Really, Ted, just because they don’t come home to find you on the couch screaming at your judge shows doesn’t mean that your family has forgotten who you are.

On the bright side, it’s probably only a matter of time before Ted joins the cast of Shortpacked.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/11/07

Remember, kids, you can make your holiday season ever so much more convenient — with stealing!

For Better Or For Worse, 12/11/07

Ha, ha, “legs!” Everything smells like “legs!” Don’t kids say the darnedest things? Sometimes they can be a little confusing, though, especially when they use quote marks. Let’s call in an expert to help clear this up:

Well … that does make more sense.

And I leave with another amusing out-of-context panel:

Panel from Archie, 12/11/07

The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 has discovered either absurdism or HotSweatyMasturbatingCoaches.com.

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You were all good, so now you get your delayed-by-one-day comment of the week!

“Mark Trail sounds like Keanu Reeves, without the emotion.” –ltrftp(not so first time)

And let’s not forget the runners up:

“My God, Lu Ann is actually, literally excited to watch paint dry.” –Yahtzee

“From now on, Funky Winkerbean is going to focus on the basics: No talking. No plots. Just smirking.” –Francis

“A porn of Gil Thorp would just bomb/ even if filmed for your palm/ You’d painfully watch/ through what might be the crotch/ of a one-legged stud going GLOM!” –lunarhalo

“Awww. Tommie gets kissed. In 2012, Tommie will get laid, thus fulfilling the ancient Mayan prophecy of the end of days for planet Earth.” –True Fable

“Anthony is so creepy looking. Here I thought it was the ‘stache; turns out, no, it’s his face.” –Groovymarlin

“Well, it looks like we’ll finally see what it looks like when Mary Worth dumps a boyfriend. Based on how everything else gets done in this comic strip, I’m guessing the best adjective to describe it will be ‘anticlimactic.'” –Trilobite

“Alternately, it could be that ‘Let me tell you something…’ is Mary Worth’s way of segueing into a grandly produced musical number which, knowing Mary as we do, would likely consist of a high-pitched, incapacitating shrieking noise and subsequent devouring of Dr. Jeff’s juicy ligaments. But with jazz hands!” –Tats

“Apparently, Mary et al. are sitting in the no-eye-contact section. Welcome to the Bum Boat! Try the As-burgers.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“In an attempt to put himself into the unknown murderer’s mind, Mark uses his finger as a fake mustache.” –Wili

“Unless there was a very long pause between panels, the couple in the background apparently managed to travel about 20 feet in a span of a half-second. They’ve obviously overheard Dr. Jeff’s criticism, and they know the walls will soon be dripping with blood. It’s a reaction not unlike what you would see in a Wild West saloon just before a gunfight.” –Eric the Grate

“Dr. Jeff would be better off, and safer, back in the godforsaken jungle from whence he was plucked by Our Mary, winner of the Nobel Prize in Smugonomics.” –jvwalt

“I think it would be interesting for a strip like [Hi and Lois] to suddenly have its characters move, but instead of following them, stay in the same house and start following the adventures of the new, and presumably more fiscally responsible, family that moves in. The Flagstons can drop by occasionally to look around ‘for old times’ sake,’ surreptitiously sliding silverware and small electronics into their pockets as Trixie distracts them with her babyish squalling and her soiled baby clothes, both of which are all the disquieting now that she’s nearly forty.” –SecretMargo

“Luckily for Mary, she has at least 3,000 lavender pantsuits, so Chester eating one isn’t too big a deal.” –Citric

“I’m going with a major sedative. Abbey will wake up in a bathtub full of ice with a phone and a note on Monday. Will her organs be sold on the black market for transplant or sold in the farm store?” –Kaitlyn

“I had such a sheltered childhood. Believe it or not, I’m 24 years old and until this day I never knew the true meaning of April Fool’s Day. I thought it was some sort of practical-joking spree, but evidently it’s really the day when a seven-foot tall demonic snowman comes to your door, which you must slay by stabbing a well-waxed pair of skis through its frozen heart. I missed out on so much!” –Jordan

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Apartment 3-G, 12/10/07

I’m not sure what I would have expected Margo’s reaction to a simple, open-hearted gesture of human kindness to have been, but “recoiling in horror” seems about right. I do sort of wonder why she thinks running a chain of hair salons qualifies someone to plan a wedding, but she is desperate. And not a particularly good event planner. Maybe she just takes Ruby’s business prowess as evidence that she’s not a mouth-breathing submoron like her cousin Lu Ann.

Weighing against Ruby’s intelligence, of course, is the fact that she keeps calling Margo “Maggie”. At first I thought she just actually didn’t know A3G’s feistiest roommate’s name, but I’m beginning to think that she believes that “Maggie” is an acceptable nickname for anyone whose name starts with “M” and then has a “G” in there somewhere. (Note: It isn’t.)

Gil Thorp, 12/10/07

This little expedition in school spirit-based vandalism cannot end well. I’m going to bet that the current governor of whatever benighted state Milford is in ran on an “I’m even tougher on crime than the other guy who’s tough on crime” platform, resulting in a “two strikes and you’re out” rule on the state lawbooks. Thus, once Cully is caught red-handed in an act of senseless spirit rock desecration, he’ll be sent to the big house for 25 years. There, as he whiles the decades away lifting weights, only one thought will be on his mind: “MUST. KILL. ONE-LEGGED BILL. (OR WHOEVER THAT IT IS IN THE CAR. I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S BILL THOUGH.)” Somewhere in the year 2034, Bill Ritter will be leaping about on whatever advanced cybernetic limbs are available then, only to come face to face with Cully, hell-bent on revenge!

Momma, 12/10/07

“Hmm, I’ve been doing this strip for 37 years, and I’ve constantly harped on the fact that Momma is unnaturally jealous of her daughter-in-law. But how can I make this so vilely obvious that everyone gets a full sense of this feature’s Oedipal horror?”

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/10/07

Our long good-bye to Al Scaduto begins today with this entry from “Samantha Gordano,” who is also faithful Comics Curmudgeon reader mako. “Of course I wrote in talking about [my husband’s] inability to find the trash can for juice containers,” she says, “but Mr. Scaduto must have known about his propensity for letting the dog clean it up as well.” She says she’d like to dedicate this strip to his honor. What I want to know is, does she want to vacuum his skull on the inside or the outside?