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Marvin, 9/19/07

At some point between my childhood, when I read and disliked Marvin, and my decision a few years ago start reading and disliking Marvin again, the strip expanded somewhat from its initial emphasis on infant-related humor. In these days of shrinking newspaper circulation, this may be because babies very rarely actually read the comics. Anyway, Marvin now also features thought-ballooning-animals (who don’t read the paper but who have been repeatedly demonstrated to appeal to those who do) and cranky old people, who do definitely read the paper (boy, do they ever). Fairly typical of the Marvin old people schtick is today’s comic, which features two sick, angry old men, their body language transparently demonstrating their mutual dislike, sitting together (because they have nobody else to spend time with, except their even more hated wives) at the mall (because they have nowhere else to go).

By the way, Roy’s “I hear you” isn’t a way of showing solidarity or agreement or anything like that; it’s part of this duo’s continuous game of mutual oneupmanship, and he’s just boasting that he hasn’t gone completely deaf yet.

Family Circus, 9/19/07

“Actually, Jeffy, after years of horrifying mistakes and experimental subjects that had to be put down as an act of mercy, Grandma determined that it’s best to go with leathery, bat-like wings. She’ll be forming them out of the skin from your thighs, since you won’t be using your legs anymore. Oh, also, you’ll be living in her basement from now on, OK?”

Archie, 9/19/07

Haw haw! It’s like men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, am I right, everybody? Like two different planets entirely! Haw! Also, it’s like women will believe completely bogus statements and men are high all the time! Haw haw!

Pluggers, 9/19/07

Pluggers are both unbearably cheap and completely thoughtless.

Oh, and confidential to everyone who couldn’t get enough of yesterday’s slap-happy Mary Worth action: thanks to faithful reader Dingo, you can get in on it!

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Mary Worth, 9/18/07

OH SNAP DR. DREW GOT SERVED! That slap is no mere blind lashing out on Dawn’s part; her right fist is cocked in panel one, but she’s clearly chosen to go for the open hand to maximize the humiliation factor. She neutralized Vera in panel one with a quick pinch to the jugular, so clearly she’s a woman who’s in total control of her hands in a situation like this.

This is clearly the most exciting Mary Worth since Aldo plummeted to his death, and keep in mind that it’s only Tuesday. Things in Santa Royale always escalate over the course of the week, so by Saturday we’ll have achieved near-stratospheric heights of either wanton violence or emotional despair.

Apartment 3-G, 9/18/07

I have the uneasy feeling that this new A3G subplot is taking place in a weird parallel universe, where there’s been some effort put into establishing Ruby’s character and showing that Professor Smooth Operator has been eyeing her from afar for some time. Maybe all those deleted scenes will be on the unrated special edition DVD. As it is, all we can really hope for is an outraged Gina spotting Aristotle two-timing her and making with the slap attack.

Gil Thorp, 9/18/07

Wow, Marty Moon appears to be about ready to fall asleep in mid-sentence in panel three. He can’t stay awake for even a single quarter of Mudlark gridiron action! In his defense, Gil Thorp football is really confusing and boring, and he’s probably pretty drunk.

Mark Trail, 9/18/07

“Yes, maybe we’re in luck! Of course, it will also come out that we spent millions in bribes to get permits to allow us to build an enormous mall so close to a flood-prone lake that even a few inches of rain will put the Banana Republic under a foot of water. The press will also probably get wind of the fact that the development company’s CEO and chief counsel are chalk-white undead zombies. But at least this damn duck situation will be taken care of!”

Pluggers, 9/18/07

I don’t have the spiritual strength to go hunting through the archives, but I’m pretty sure that this Plugger panel, in which a polka-dotted boxer-short-clad Rhino-Man clutches his massive gut and peeks at the scale with trepidation, has been used before. Of course, given how many Pluggers jokes boil down to “Pluggers are fat”, they could probably run it once a week or so.

Dennis the Menace, 9/18/07

Wait, did Dennis dress up in a quasi-Hawaiian garb just so he could deliver this fun fact about the word “aloha” to Mr. Wilson in style? Here’s a hint, kid: Themed costume + fascinating trivia item = levels of menace so low as to be undetectable by even the most powerful scientific instruments.

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Beetle Bailey, 9/17/07

There’s been much speculation as the real nature of the relationship between Beetle and Sarge. In the absence of any leadership from Camp Swampy’s officer corps, has Sarge’s near-limitless authority over his subordinates simply allowed his inner brute to emerge in full, sadistic force? Or is Beetle no mere subject, but rather a participant in a complex and largely unspoken sadomasochistic relationship? Today’s strip offers another, even darker take: Sgt. Snorkel is an artist — an artist whose medium is human flesh and bone and blood, and Pvt. Bailey is and will forever be his greatest masterpiece. In this view, the opinion of Beetle on his role in this transaction is really no more important than a dab of paint’s views on being part of van Gogh’s Sunflowers. The chaplain, naturally, is horrified by the human price of art, but the angry beauty of Beetle’s mangled still-living body cannot be denied.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/17/07

Hey, remember a while back when gym teacher Bull implied that he wanted Les to knock up his ever-smirking wife? And now here they are, black-helmet-haired tot in tow? I’m sure that it was really adopted from Romania or something, but let me just for a moment revel in the idea that Les is at long last seeing the result of a fairly lucrative 20 minutes he spent “running errands” while Lisa was in chemo.

Marvin, 9/17/07

Marvin’s look of numb, wide-eyed horror tells us all we need to know about mom’s sadistic will to power through infinite punishment. Presumably he realizes that he’ll spend the rest of his life in that playpen. When he gets tall enough to climb out, his mother will simply put a lid over the top of the pen, leaving him to become a tiny, bonsai-sized adult with stunted limbs, a gruesome example to any toddlers thinking of doing whatever I’m-too-lazy-to-come-up-with-something-specific act of mischief the cowed dog is referring to in panel one.

Mary Worth, 9/17/07

I’ve played a fair amount of Wii Boxing in the past few weeks, and I’ve even seen filmed evidence (with audio) of what I look like while playing Wii Boxing, so I have a pretty good idea of what Dawn’s fists in that position portend. Drew and Vera, get ready to have those little knuckle sandwiches come flailing at you while she lets out little high-pitched grunts of rage! You won’t be able to fend off her head-vibrating assault without giggling.

Dawn’s “And I thought you were the ‘one’!” is actually a pretty effective comeback, in the sense that it riffs off of Drew’s “I thought you were studying” excuse, which is so lame that she could never have anticipated it in advance. I hope she uses her razor wit to further humiliate Drew and Vera as she pummels them. I suggest she start with their bizarre decision to wear matching brown pants.

Pluggers, 9/17/07

A plugger’s body is a battleground where the marketing departments of major pharmaceutical companies fight to the death.