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Curtis, 4/3/08

In the interest of saying something nice once in a while, I will admit that today’s Curtis cracked me up. The “Curtis is obsessed with Michelle” bit is overdone, but I found his dad’s anti-cheese diatribe to be completely hilarious. “Double cheese, melted cheese, cheesy sauce, cheesy sticks, cheesy cheese! Cheese cheese cheese!! It doesn’t make sense!” I mean, sure Curtis’s non-stop mooning is annoying, Greg, but at least he isn’t going to bust a vein about cheese.

Apartment 3-G, 4/3/08

“No, Lu Ann, I believe that women are parasites! And men are junkies! Those are just the core values I was brought up with!”

Actually, Alan isn’t so upset about taking a loan from a woman as he is at taking a loan from an elementary school art teacher. That’s a sign of being pretty darn hard up, that is.

Family Circus, 4/3/08

Jeffy thinks he’ll get in good with his God if he provides Him with new worshippers. IT DOESN’T COUNT IF THEY’RE INANIMATE OBJECTS, JEFFY. YOUR RUBBER DINOSAUR HAS NO SOUL TO SAVE.

Most of these toys I could vaguely buy as things you could fold up into the kneeling position, but that clown looks way too much like a living little clown homunculus. Frankly, it scares the crap out of me.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/3/08

Sure, it seems like this is a joke, but since he’s testing for syphilis, it actually could work.

Beetle Bailey, 4/3/08

It seems that knowledge of “goths” has penetrated into the Walker-Browne compound. GOD HELP US ALL.

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Crock, 4/2/08

Readers, help me out here: is “hike” some kind of dialectical term for “urinate” or “defecate”? That would be the only way this strip would make any kind of sense, but I can’t seem to find any evidence that the word is ever used in that way. The real tragedy here is that for once Crock came up with a halfway funny joke (admittedly one that’s both gross and cruel, but I never claimed to be highbrow) only to have it bowdlerized.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/2/08

Apparently June, seething with contempt for her husband as usual, agrees with faithful reader indrifan’s COTW runner-up comment from last week. “Play health inspector!” Ha! And “Andy will need all the help he can get” (subtext: and you sure aren’t going to provide it). Rex would be hurt, if he cared at all what June thought.

Dennis the Menace, 4/2/08

SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO DENNIS’S RIGHT HAND? I think that somebody, knowing that Dennis’s ADD-addled mind is unable to properly weigh long-term advantage against short-term gain, has been telling him stories about the “finger fairy,” then casually leaving a chisel where he could get at it.

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Hi and Lois, 4/1/08

Poor Hi! Sure, he hasn’t gotten more than a meager cost-of-living wage increase from that tightwad Froofram in years, but he’s gotten used to the lifestyle that his realtor wife’s huge commissions made possible during the go-go housing boom of the mid-naughts. Now that she hasn’t sold a house in months, Lois can only stare cross-armed at Hi’s $16 bottle of wine, knowing that it’s put a substantial dent in this month’s grocery budget. Only Sterno will help the Flagstons drink away their pain for the foreseeable future.

Judge Parker, 4/1/08

Poor Gloria! All she wanted to do was live out her lifelong fantasy of making it with a guy with no legs, but it turns out that hero Steve is not only damaged physically, but mentally as well. Sure, you can forgive a guy who had a mine planted outside of his hut and gets mysterious packages in the mail for being a little paranoid, but it’s clear that he’s going to see conspiracies in every nice gesture anyone does for him — and that he’s not ready for a relationship. Gloria will just have to console herself with her back issues of Stump Humper a little while longer.

Marmaduke, 4/1/08

One of the fun things I like to do with the comics is to come up a whole hidden backstory behind the gag-a-day features. For instance, I like to imagine that Marmaduke’s owner is actually Adolph Hitler, who faked his suicide, escaped from his command bunker to post-war American suburbia, and got a Great Dane. His former position as absolute ruler of a continent makes the petty indignities of life with Marmaduke all the more infuriating. Today, for instance, we can see on his hate-twisted fate that he would like nothing more than to send the impertinent policeman and the damn dog to a concentration camp, but as it is all he can do is wave his hand in the air and rage impotently. Is it a fitting punishment for his monstrous crimes? Not really, but it’s kind of fun to see.

Gil Thorp, 4/1/08

The “drama” of today’s strip — Gil sends hapless assistant to hush up overbearing parent, hapless assistant fails miserably — is lame even by Gil Thorp standards. Still, it’s always nice to see some Milford kids on the verge of tears.