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Sally Forth, 12/11/06

You know, if the world around me had suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke and I found myself on a higher plane, face to face with a benevolent, all-powerful deity who offered me a chance to come up with a definitive catalog of horrifying, traumatic things that, thanks to His all-loving power and favor, I would never, ever have to look at, it would never even have occurred to me before today to add “bald Sally Forth” to the list; and if such a blessed event ever happens to me in the future, there’s really no point, since I can never unsee it.

I like to imagine that Sally’s hair just came off in one immobile unit, with her classic freakish hairstyle undisturbed despite its separation from her head, and that somewhere a cancer survivor who tried to save a few bucks is kind of peeved with that decision.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/11/06

TDIET, tired of wasting its petty rage on intergenerational squabbles and marital discord, has decided to wade into the public health arena. I’d just like to point out that any establishment that sells cigarettes in bulk mere feet away from its inhaler stand isn’t just laying the groundwork for classic funny-pages irony; it’s also destined to make money hand over fist, as consumption of the former inevitably necessitates the purchase of wares from the latter for the customer and all those who share airspace with him. That’s what we call synergy, folks.

Judge Parker, 12/11/06

You know, usually Monday soap strips are boring, since they need to just rehash what happened Sunday, but I think we deserve a double shot of Celeste’s magnificient wrath. I do appreciate the appearance of Officer Flattop McMustache in the second panel; his slack-jawed, panicked face tells us that nothing in his police academy training, or his years as a U.S. Marine before that, could have prepared him for this. Hopefully tomorrow’s strip will feature less petition filing and more tasering.

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Hello kids! It’s that time of week again when we all give big ups to this week’s Comment Of The Week!

“RMMD: Why do the children in this strip age so tragically early? Why are they deprived of normal childhoods with normal necks and normal hairstyles?” –Poteet

And the hilarity didn’t stop there:

“I can’t help but feel that Bil Keane lost a bet against a creepy middle-aged furry-loving pedophile and this cartoon was his side of the bargain.” –Zach

“Like his namesake, Peter Parker gained the ability to revolt and terrify women. His one weakness: brooms.” –paddywhack

“Speaking of Spider-Man, you have to at least give them credit for making sure a page where absolutely nothing happens is done in the most dramatic camera angles possible.” –Foolster41

“The Meddling Interloper is calling Clark Gable her ‘client,’ implying a financial transaction is required for her advice. Mary gives it away for free, so there’s no way to Ella can compete with that. It’s like trying to start a brothel next to a sorority house.” –yellojkt

“Injured in a freak meth lab accident, May has the comparative ferocity, inhuman strength, and incoherence of a tweaker. She can also cling to mullets.” –Marion Delgado

“Holy crap, my hate for Michael just gets deeper and deeper. ‘He was our mascot, our anti-hero, our futility symbol.’ Mike, you don’t need a futility symbol. Your life pretty much qualifies as being futile for real.” –Tak, the Hideous New Girl

“Sadly, I mistook the Judge Parker strip for Spider-Man. I saw the word ‘Parker’ and whoops! I mean, with no supervillains, no sight of the Spider-Man costume, meandering dialogue, goofy background characters, and a ‘this comic strip tackles serious modern issues’ brooding countenance on the square-jawed blue-hair in the last panel — well, I’m sure you can see why I made the mistake.” –Benicillin

“How awesome would it be to expose the Keane family as creepy perverts? (Answer: really awesome.)” –Chromium

“Now that the Ghost-Who-Walks killed the Doorman with an inspired game of hide-and-seek, it boggles the mind to think of how he’s going to kill the rest of the criminal network he apparently discovered by looking at the Doorman’s MySpace friend list. My bet is on either peek-a-boo or ‘got your nose.'” –reader-who-posts

“If the TV van is rockin’ don’t come Doc Ockin’.” –CarAlarm

“Dewey would do well to end his tirade quickly, now that he’s embarrassed himself with a demonstration of how hilariously impossible it is to throw paper in a fit of rage.” –Rhekarid

“Once again, They’ll Do It Every Time is a lot more like They’ll Do It Occasionally, If They’re In A Highly Specialized Field And Random Chance Conspires To Make Something Happen.” –jess a.

“Let that be a lesson to all you failed presidential candidates out there seeking advice in Charterstone from questionable women. I’m talking to you, Gary Hart.” –bitter law student

“There is no way that Molly would eat Theodore Beaver. She eats sunshine and cotton candy!” –Gal Friday

“Clearly, the folks in Phantom chose their president for his magnificent thighs specifically, and his ability to look great in a lycra tuxedo, generally. See? This is what you get when you vote for things you believe in instead of against things you don’t believe in. I’m talking to you, America. –Summerhouse

Also! This weekend I received a pair of charming photos from faithful reader MossMoses, formerly known as Sassy_Rocks. As a big Mark Trail fan, MossMoses was of course charmed by our Molly the Bear t-shirt. Here, he expresses a Molly-esque love for all things despite the incomprehensible hostility of an off-camera antagonist:

And here he contemplates the hostility of what I’m pretty sure is our bobbleheaded Commander-In-Chief for his commie hat:

More Molly the Bear and other Comics Curmudgeon merchandise is available at the Comics Curmudgeon store on CafePress! You can still get things delivered in time for Christmas! MossMoses says that his Molly the Bear shirt intrigues the ladies, so those of you looking to intrigue the ladies should keep that in mind.

And speaking of rampant commercialism, we must give our weekly thanks to those who have helped pay the bills by buying adspace.

• KFC consumer warning: A video from PETA.
• Andertoons: Funny cartoons for presentations, newsletters, advertising, and more.
• Puppetics: Action figures for attentive kids of all ages
• OneHorseShy: Funny t-shirts that pander to everyone!
• The Girls and Sports playbook: Exclusive dating advice from cartoons.
• Clueless George Presidential Library: All three Clueless George books in one specially packaged collector’s set.

Click here to find out more about advertising on this site.

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Apartment 3-G, 12/10/06

In an attempt to recapture the magic of one of the greatest Apartment 3-Gs in recent memory, Lu Ann is taking a magical trip to the world-renowned New York City public library. She’s looking for knowledge, but she’s sadly found only another romantic interest, albeit one who, with his reddish hair, glasses, and marginally softer features, is distinguishable from the classic boring A3G male type. Our bookworm is so deeply and erotically charged by Lu Ann’s mere presence that, in order to win her attention and affections, he’s transgressing the ultimate librarian taboo and actually shouting in the library.

Blondie, 12/10/06

I’m going to pass over the little drama of burning jealousy and suppressed lust that makes up the supposedly innocent humor of this strip today and just point out that the two throwaway panels at the top — which aren’t used in some layouts and thus need to be removable — are the biggest “fuck you” to the very concept of throwaway panels I’ve ever seen. Since their expressions are unchanged in all three, I can only assume that our young hunk was leering at Blondie, and Dagwood was raging inwardly, and Blondie was feeling genuine sexual arousal for the first time in years, for the entire time it took for them to walk the length of a city block.

Judge Parker, 12/10/06

I don’t mean to be a killjoy. I certainly wouldn’t want to deny us, the long-suffering readers of Judge Parker, the genuine pleasure to be had in Celeste Black’s spectacular drunken meltdown, or in Reggie’s ineffectual response. I’m not sure if I’m willing to forgive Sam and Randy’s smug satisfaction, however. After all, having an insane lush for a wife shouldn’t disqualify one for the bench per se; neither of course, should bachelorhood and/or homosexuality, which is why Reggie has clearly brought this upon himself. But there’s still a little thing called HIPAA that’s there for a reason. My prediction is that we’re going to find out that Horace is working as some kind of freelance ultra-low-rent Karl Rove and leaked this information to the press, and that Randy, distancing himself from old-time machine politics, will have to Do The Right Thing and sever ties with his old family friend, possibly by having his CIA agent girlfriend murder him in his sleep.

(For those keeping track, incidentally, this Sunday strip is the work of the temporarily unavailable Eduardo Baretto, as Sundays need to be prepared a few weeks in advance of the weeklies.)

Mary Worth, 12/10/06

You know, we all got very jazzed up about Mary during the glory and excitement that was Aldomania. But this strip reminds us what Mary Worth is and truly ought to be all about: relentless petty outrage over stupid, meaningless things. That and pointing. Lots and lots of vigorous pointing. I love Mary’s look of surprise in the final panel, and Ella’s attempt to put on her “Who me? I’m a harmless old lady! Ha ha!” face. Ian, resplendent as always in his Astroturf jacket, is unimpressed by Dent’s j’accuse: he seems to be thinking, “Look buddy, last month I was an accomplice to murder, and condo board power plays do not impress me any more.”

Fun game for the coming months: In how many upcoming Mary Worth installments will we be able to construe Gary Dent’s rambling diatribes as accusations that Ella is a prostitute?

Beetle Bailey, 12/10/06

This installment of “How to turn a public domain Department of Defense informational pamphlet about the Pentagon into a comic strip and still make your 1 p.m. tee time” has been brought to you by Beetle Bailey.