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Blondie, 5/15/22

There are, as you might guess because you’re reading these words on a website called “The Comics Curmudgeon,” a number of things that irritate me about the comic strip Blondie, and one of them is that we have been repeatedly told that Dagwood’s job title is “office manager,” despite the fact that he never does any office management and what work activity we do see out of him involves working on “contracts” that seem related to the core business of DithersCo and not about buying office supplies or whatever. And now we’re supposed to believe that there’s someone who’s worked at the company for a while and the office manager doesn’t know him? Perhaps the company is meant, for the purposes of this joke, to be so large that there are multiple office managers, with the people “down the hall” not mingling with Dagwood’s bunch? This makes no sense! I protest, do you hear me? I protest!

Funky Winkerbean, 5/15/22

Gotta respect Funky Winkerbean here: a lesser strip would choose to either make a professional school picture photographer the butt of the joke for not knowing what kids mean when they say “gram,” or this lonely nerd the butt of the joke for having no friends. But this is Funky Winkerbean, where they want you to know that all of their characters, even the walk-ons, are contemptible losers.

Mary Worth, 5/15/22

Wow, it turns out Toby understood exactly what it would take to dissuade Cal from his schoolboy crush: putting him in the nuclear blast zone of Ian’s sexuality. This has sent him scrambling for an age-appropriate partner so he can pretend that he’ll never get old, and Maddie, who happens to be nearby, is the lucky (?) winner!

Panel from The Lockhorns, 5/15/22

Well, this strip’s been running for 54 years, and Loretta has finally “gone there,” by which I mean she has threatened her spouse with murder. “You buy that boat and I’ll kill you and set you and it on fire,” she says. “I’ll fucking do it. It won’t even be in the water, just in our driveway. I’ll be long gone at that point, though, Leroy. Long gone.”

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Hi and Lois, 5/14/22

As readers of this blog well know, I like that Thirsty has in recent years been allowed to once again be the moderately functional alcoholic he was intended to be when this strip launched in the ’50s. Sometimes this is the crux of the joke, but sometimes it just adds to the strip’s flavor. Like, it’s funny that Thirsty is standing next his friend like, “Doing a chore, huh? Couldn’t be me” but it’s funnier that he’s probably had a buzz on since about 10 am.

Mary Worth, 5/14/22

I certainly hope that Helen has slipped her resignation letter under the door of the School Management office and is heading out of Santa Royale forever tonight. How could you ever show your face around town if people knew you held lifelong feelings for Ian? Toby, of course, is far beyond human shame now, but Helen must still have a shred of dignity.

Pluggers, 5/14/22

You’re a plugger if your life isn’t worth living anymore because the only people who still talk to you are the ones coordinating the elaborate series of pharmaceutical interventions necessary to keep you alive.

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Like sands through the hourglass, so go the very funny top weekly comments. Here’s this week’s!

“My favorite part of this is the narration box: ‘As Toby tells Mary about her latest situation…’ First off, Toby doesn’t actually have problems, just situations. Secondly, this is just another in what promises to be an endless series.” –Joe Blevins

And here are the hilarious runners up!

“I love Billy’s smug expression. ‘She thinks she’s happy now, but wait till she sees this awesome card I made her. It’s got a butterfly, a heart, and a photo-realistic drawing of the two of us. I’ll definitely be her favorite after this.’” –Weaselboy

“Batman spent years training like a ninja so he could disappear into the night precisely to avoid anyone hitting him with a brick. You think you can just pick up a broom and fight (???) crime, Street Sweeper?! You’re not ready for this!” –Truckosaurus

“As I have mentioned before, I have actually lived in a city with a masked crime fighter. I have never lived in a city where bricks are just lying around in the street.” –Rube

“To Mary Sue, Dying in Westview: Smart girl, to slip betimes away/ From towns where glory does not stray/ And early though the cancer grows/ It takes some time before Les knows.” –But What Do I Know?

“I’m unnerved by Toby still working on the same muffin over the course of several days’ worth of panels. It looks like it has regenerative properties. Can you imagine what that’s doing to her gut?!?” –taig

“If the sign above the loaded sales guy can be believed, Henry Mitchell is in the market for a genuine Lrrruriui. That’s a nice car, but not practical for a family man. He should be looking at a Pttrprtooo or maybe a Oeebbanll crossover.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Between Toby being mentally five years old, Wilbur being a manchild who throws tantrums, and Helen attempting to report Toby to ‘School Management’ which isn’t actually a thing, but probably something a kid would assume is, I am getting a feeling that Mary Worth, all this time, has been kids playing pretend. Very, very boring kids.” –Giant Telepathic Otter

“He asked if he could pay with a check. [wry chuckle] Anyway, we’ve got the next few months to look forward to, what with me up nights and weekends trying to assemble a doomed defense and with no earthly hope of recompense. It’s a hoot. How’s your spaghetti and watermelon?” –Vice President John Adams

“And I said, you’ll learn a thing or two about fraud when you experience my so-called barely-going-through-the-motions defense.” –Dennis Jimenez

“The three panel comic strip is obviously the perfect medium for telling a story about sports, as the spectacle of a blind pitcher chasing a baseball around the infield by following it directly, the same way the dumber of my two cats chases a laser pointer, is limited only by my imagination.” –Drew Funk

“The Lockhorns are of the WWII generation, that’s always been clear. The reason we can see them as they are is because they’re on a world so incredibly distant that their images are only reaching us now. Which means they’re too far away to ever reach us and be a part of our world, for which I guess we should be grateful.” –cheech wizard

“The *DAGWOOD* is proud of his brood. Already the void forms within them demanding precious resources to fill its emptiness. Soon they will be ready to leave his world and burrow into a new one demanding endless tribute of sandwiches and sacrifices from its inhabitants.” –Dread

“It’s a funeral in Westview, so you can be sure that the Grey Cross will be there, offering relief to those nauseated by Les’s monologues.” –pugfuggly

“Life is rigged, you simply cannot win! Well, I now need to go back home to polish the Oscar the movie based on my book won.” –Ettorre

“Well, I guess it’s not so much a funny joke as a depressing anecdote about a man with a crippling gambling addiction. Anyway, the moral is that I mostly spend my time waiting for death these days.” –jroggs

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