Post Content

Mary Worth, 9/24/20

Well, Tommy’s given his life over the Christ and he doesn’t do crimes anymore — no more meth dealing, and not even any more pharmacy fraud. But is dining and dashing really a sin? In Matthew 12, Jesus endorses taking grain from other people’s fields if you’re hungry, even if it’s the sabbath! Hope you can run fast, Brandy.

Blondie, 9/24/20

“Oh, by the way, honey, you’re on speaker, even though I’m talking into the handset. Almost like our universe is built out of a limited set of clip art that can’t be added to or modified even for a visual that’s central to the gag we’re trying to do. Anyway, please cook something nice for my asshole boss.”

Post Content

Dick Tracy, 9/23/20

You might remember that legitimate biologist/Dracula cosplayer Professor Stokes bragged of “collecting over a third of Faith’s blood volume in record time” (consensually, I guess?) and promised to “add her sisters’ blood to my collection as well.” I guess based on the names Hope and Charity these are the aforementioned sisters, and it’s pretty strong evidence of the uselessness of the scions of wealthy families that mere days after their sister was found exsanguinated in an alley somewhere, they’re busy squabbling over whether to buy cool cars or invest in mutual funds from extremely dubious-sounding brokerages, rather than getting the hell out of town before they too are tapped and drained like a keg at a frat party.

Mary Worth, 9/23/20

I regret to inform you that rather than the Saul romance plot we were promised, we’re getting some kind of Brandy-Tommy business. I do find it pretty funny that Iris’s attitude towards Brandy appears to be “I’m so very grateful you’re around to cater to the emotional needs of my ne’er-do-well son, because I’ve got a very busy schedule of sex with my much younger boyfriend lined up. See ya never!”

Mark Trail, 9/23/20

Oh, man, I hope the rest of the week is taken up by escalating authority figures — the mayor, the president, the Secretary-General of the UN, God himself — grabbing the phone and trying to browbeat Mark into getting on a plane, coming to New York, and receiving a tasteful engraved paperweight in front of a politely clapping audience of his peers. “Your dog’s gonna die whether you’re there or not, Mark!” says God. “Believe me, I know.”

Post Content

Mark Trail, 9/22/20

Oh man, Woods and Wildlife editor Bill Ellis is just having a fuckin’ meltdown that Mark would even consider tending to his wounded dog instead of flying into New York for the big Conservation Writer of the Year banquet at the Waldorf Astoria. Doesn’t Mark know how much is riding on this? The notoriously cutthroat Conservation Writers of America society will just not give you the award if you don’t show up in person to accept it, so they’ll hand it to the runner-up (some guy from Ranger Rick, probably?) and then Bill, Woods and Wildlife, and their publisher (a disreputable hedge fund that bought the W&W intellectual property at fire sale prices from the Hearst Corporation in 2015) can kiss all those sweet CWotY pageviews and subscription renewals goodbye.

Dick Tracy, 9/22/20

Ha ha, teen girls! This weird professor, who is literally wearing fangs right now, is definitely not into the vampire lifestyle, which he just brought up to see if you were as not into it as he was, even though, as he can’t emphasize enough, it’s all safe and consensual. Here, read these pamphlets and check out these websites! If your opinions about modern, progressive vampirism change, don’t hesitate to get back in touch.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/22/20

CONFIDENTIAL TO BUCK: If the lost revenue from your convention circuit sales is offset by the fact that you no longer have to pay the expenses associated with your convention circuit sales, your business may be, to use a technical term, “unprofitable.”

CONFIDENTIAL TO MINDY: The idea that someone would be glad to be stuck in the house with Buck is not believable. Is this a hostage situation? Are you in danger? Blink twice if you need help.

Pluggers, 9/22/20

A plugger romantic dinner is when a wife constantly begs to go eat somewhere that isn’t fast food, just this once, and her husband finally agrees but he’s really passive aggressive about it all evening.