Folks! Did you enjoy the Zoom version of my live comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, last month? If so, please sound off about it in the comments! If not, you will want to see the next one, which is tentatively scheduled for two weeks from today! Either way, if you want updates on when shows are going to happen, who’s going to be in them, and how you can watch, you should subscribe to the mailing list I have set up for that purpose! I promise I will use your email only for uses described in this paragraph and no other!
“[trying to learn English idioms] Like a hot knife through sliced bread” –ambignostic, on Twitter
“I’m okay with the characters in Gasoline Alley watching TV but I draw the line at the TV having a remote.” –RexDartEskimoPi, on Twitter
“‘That’s where we stick our feets therein’ — lyrics I’ll be compulsively parsing the rest of my life.” –Pozzo
“Absolutely devastated to see that Mary has broken Madi’s spirit to the extent that Madi is being nice not only to her but to Toby.” –matt w
“I love that Toby didn’t take the extra two minutes to clean up her filthy kitchen before forcing her bastard confection onto Mary and Madi. That same spilled egg from days ago is still on her counter! ‘Toby, I’m sorry to admit…’ Mary trails off for just a moment, her words failing as she contemplates just how many of Ian’s beard hairs she’s just ingested in that thumb-sized bite of bread.” –Wilktoast
“The signs off-panel to the left say ‘YANKEE GO HOME’ and ‘USA OUT OF NIGHTMARE LAND.’” –Peanut Gallery
“The plugger of course has backup equipment for this very situation in the form of a belt. It pays to be prepared but does add a couple minutes to each trip to the litter box.” –nescio
“Cherry, people sometimes abandon creatures they don’t want. How do you think Rusty got here?” –But What Do I Know?
“Dangerous? Yes. But it has to be done. Cindy and Marianne stand no chance against this miles-long fire. They’re just women, whereas these two heroes a.) are male, and will be able to tame the fire, b.) bring to the situation the combined crisis management skills of an English teacher and a playactor, and c.) ride on unmeltable tires.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
“Les will be forever immortalized as ‘and a passenger’ in TMZ’s report on the fiery death of Mason Jarr.” –Vardian
“Come for the awkward personal dynamics, stay for the red-hot floor plan discussion!” –Doctor Moreau
“Syndicate colorists, please note that beaver teeth are orange, not white. If I was willing to accept such gross inaccuracies in depictions of animal anatomy, I would be reading Pluggers instead. Thank you and good day.” –Mr. A
“Grizz and/or Associate went into military subcontracting because he heard it was a pork barrel, and he’s furious he still hasn’t found that barrel. Those eyes say ‘I’d better get a big container full of pig parts or at least one of you is getting eaten.’” –Schroduck
“This is just the Funkyverse remake of An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge; Les is actually hallucinating as he is slowly dying of smoke inhalation and carbon monoxide. The Feel-Good Story of the Year!” –Dmsilev
“Pete Smith, our neighbor, was telling me how concerned he was, about your recent inability to remember names or your relationships with people. Cherry, the person you’re shacked up with, feels the same concern.” –Only Here For The Ads
“It had been a long time coming, it was inevitable, and General Halftrack really should have expected it. His career had long been in decline, and his irrelevance at Camp Swampy had become increasingly apparent as they first moved him to a tiny desk and then took away his computer, his telephone, and the entire contents of his office. He had been left with only a single sheet of paper, and no pens or pencils to make markings on it, no stapler to fasten it to anything, no envelope to put it in, and no file cabinet in which he could store and retrieve it. Still, it was his sheet of paper, and by God he was going to do his job by sitting at his desk and looking at it, so that when anyone happened to walk by they would see that he was doing something! He was asserting that he was not in fact just dead wood — he was still useful! He was up-to-date on current social trends and modern technology — this was a new, fresh sheet of paper! He belonged in the modern Army, and there was no way he was going to be just cast off as a has-been reminder of a bygone era. It therefore came as something of a shock, and a profound disappointment, when Lt Fuzz showed up with a visitor bringing the General a bear costume for his new assignment. After a too-long career at Camp Swampy, Amos Halftrack was finally being transferred to Pluggers.” –seismic-2
“2020’s so nuts I didn’t even notice Mary Worth become a Jack Chick tract promoting a monotheistic religion built around Gram Parsons.” –Donny Ferguson, on Twitter
“Why all the secrecy about the ingredient? It’s legal in most states now.” –Mysterion
“TFW you lose your villa to a natural disaster so you have to stay on your boat. Relatable!” –Ettorre
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