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Folks, your first COTW of the ’20s coming in a moment, but first: don’t forget that Conor Lastowka and I will be putting on a special version of the Internet Read Aloud show at SF Sketchfest on Saturday, January 18, featuring Bill Corbett of MST3K/Rifftrax, Laser Malena-Webber of the Doubleclicks, standup Natasha Muse, and more!

Tickets are limited so buy some now!

And now, with that out of the way: it’s your long-awaited COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“You can tell he’s a millennial because he’s not wearing a tie with his suit at the restaurant.” –Kevin Keeney, on Facebook

Your runners up are also hilarious!

“Wait, Heloise is the Phantom’s daughter? The lady who gives me hints??” –ratnerstar

“‘But Dad, shouldn’t Khe Pandjang’s remains be returned to the homeland he fought so bravely for, instead of lying forgotten in a vault under the initials of what I assume is a colonialist approximation of his real name?’ ‘LOTS TO SEE LET’S MOVE ON’” –TheDiva

“I don’t know much of anything about raisin’ kids! Now, raisin adults? That’s somethin’ I figgered I could he’p with. Yep, back in the ’80-aughts, when I was a simple ol’ creative director at Foote, Cone & Belding SF, the California Raisin Advisory Board asked for a new commercial. I said make the little nippers sing! True story. Now, who wants some biscuits in hot milk?” –BigTed

“Maybe brain-teasers are just part of the Bildung a member of the animal elite is supposed to master, like poetry-writing for Chinese Mandarins: nice, useless, and signalling status. Slylock earns his living by holding ‘thinking outside the box’ seminars for Silicon Valley types.” –Ettorre

“Considering the glacial pacing of all stories in this strip, just what the hell is Mark’s big hurry? Is he worried about the parking fees he’s racking up at the local airport?” –Guillermo el chiclero

“What’s with the expression on the orange-hatted kid? Close up, I can’t decide if it is more ‘misery’ or ‘junior serial killer.’” –Cloudbuster

“In the background in Dennis the Menace, a child gleefully celebrates the return of the blue orb. Where has it been? What secrets will it whisper? The blue orb has seen things, child, and it knows things. Menacing things.” –Voshkod

“No, no, this is actually refreshing. Whenever Joey notices the fourth wall, he just cries and runs away.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“But if you want to get all analytical and ‘Monday morning quarterback’ about it, the main reason those other expeditions failed is that they didn’t find him.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I think ‘party members kept questioning the doctor and so were murdered before the expedition could get results’ is being strongly implied as an additional reason.” –pachoo

“For a second there, I thought Vitamin had taken serious liberties with his revival of West Side Story.” –Joe Blevins

“Much like everyone else in this strip, Tildy is not a character and will never be one.” –Noel

“I think the product placement for Ensure really crosses the line.” –Dennis Jimenez

“You will note, Watson, the gray splashes of mud on Miss Fifi’s paws. It is the distinct shade of gray found in the clay soil at Toad Hop and nowhere else in the vicinity. When it comes to soil, there are far more than 50 shades of gray — I have written a monograph on the topic of some small repute. Note also, the splashes are still wet, testifying that she has here directly from there. This means she could not have been in Gnaw Bone at the time of the murder. Now, Miss Fifi, give us your story. It will go better with you if you come clean.” –erdmann

Remember, if you want to buy ads on this site and get a shoutout in these metaposts, head on over to my BuySellAds page! If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Six Chix, 1/10/20

Folks, I’m honestly impressed by how much “a lot going on here” this relatively sparsely drawn Six Chix packs in today. Let’s start with all the ways in which the ostensible “joke” doesn’t actually work: the term “red-handed” is a reference to a murderer being caught with literal blood on their hands, not a reference to the color of human hands themself, most of which are not what you’d call “red”; nevertheless, I guess the punchline here is supposed to be that gray poodles tend to have gray paws, which is severely undermined by the colorist’s choice to make the arrested poodle yellow. Unless there’s some kind of … gray evidence of crime that dogs are known for? Pretty sure dogs don’t have gray blood, though I admit I’m not a scientist or anything. Anyway, I feel bad because all this distracts from what I think is the real horror here: it’s normal for animals to not wear clothes, and it’s fine if your anthropomorphized animals wear clothes, but if you have an animal wearing only a hat and a police badge, I’m going to imagine him as functionally equivalent to a naked person wearing only a hat and a police badge, and honestly the way this dog’s tongue is hanging out and his tail is wagging really isn’t helping with the whole vibe.

Crock, 1/10/20

Speaking of colorist errors, I kind of like that whoever was coloring today’s Crock decided “look, Crock takes place in the desert, we always make the ground bright yellow sand, and I’ll be damned if I figure out what the inside of a salt mine looks like, you hear me? I’m not Google image searching this shit, life is far too short!”

Marvin, 1/10/20

Gotta give credit where it’s due: could you spend the last 38 years, as the comic strip Marvin has, coming up with increasingly weird and off-putting scenarios in which the title character makes eye contact with one or both parents while shitting? I’ll bet you couldn’t. I’ll bet you don’t have the stamina.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/10/20

Whoops, looks like in addition to having a big personality and a tendency to show up unannounced, Aunt Tildy is … a comical drunk? More on the exasperated facial expressions Rex makes about this as events warrant.

Mary Worth, 1/10/20

“Please, doctor! I’m literally melting from panel to panel! Test that thyroid and test it now, with all your might!”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/9/20

A lot changed in the tone of this strip with Terry Beatty took over writing duties for Woody Wilson, but there’s one thing that I’m glad stayed absolutely the same, which is that Rex is a petty little bitch and if you even slightly irritate him just once he will never forget it or forgive you. A normal person would probably be like “Ha ha, Aunt Tildy seems like a kook but if you say she’s part of your extended family I’ll buy it” but Rex has the local SWAT team on speed dial and is definitely waiting for June to admit that Tildy isn’t technical a blood relation so that he can have her forcibly extracted from his home with the help of lots of surplus military equipment.

Dick Tracy, 1/9/20

Dick Tracy, meanwhile, has come a long way since the days when its antagonists wore gimp masks and got eaten alive by rats. Still, you have to admire the low-key perversity involved in having this May-December pairing discussing how their DNA-altered leading lady “nailed” the aura of a robo-seductress right in front of her like she isn’t even there.

Mary Worth, 1/9/20

Man, can you think of a single narrative in the history of human storytelling that wouldn’t have been better if the main conflict were resolved by the protagonist having some tests run on their thyroid, proving that was the source of all their problems after all? I sure can’t! War and Peace, Hamlet, the Bible … all of them would absolutely have benefited from the ol’ thyroid-test denouement. Honestly, if Rise of Skywalker had ended with Rey and Kylo in mid-lightsaber battle and then Rey asked Kylo “Did he test your thyroid?” and then Kylo became a good guy, that would’ve been honestly a much more satisfying end to the entire Star Wars saga than what we actually got.