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Marvin, 11/3/18

Maybe it’s just me, but when you see the phrase “mentoring Marvin” in isolation, parsing “mentoring” as a verbal noun with “Marvin” as its object — i.e., “the process of being a mentor to Marvin” — seems like a much more natural reading than parsing it as a verbal adjective modifying “Marvin” — i.e., “Marvin, the baby that goes around being a mentor.” But apparently I’m wrong! Apparently that’s not what’s happening here. Apparently people think that a heavy lidded cynic cruelly disabusing you of treasured beliefs that tie you to your loved ones counts as “mentoring” now. Apparently you can “have all the answers” even if you consistently and stubbornly refuse to learn how to poop in a toilet.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/3/18

A thing that I forgot to mention about the current Jordan and Michelle storyline in Rex Morgan, amongst all the stolen valor, is that a drunk guy tried to mug them but just ended up lunging at them and missing, and then it turned out that said drunk guy was an PTSD-afflicted vet who also went to high school with Jordan, and because Jordan had this pre-existing personal relationship with him he asked the judge to be lenient, which, isn’t it interesting how our supposedly objective system of justice is really informed in practice by the innumerable social ties that hold individuals together, but that’s neither here nor there because the important thing is that this dude is hallucinating! And Jordan has promised, without consulting Rex, that he can get this hallucinating dude in to see Rex, today! I am vibrating with glee imagining the scowl that Rex is going to grace us with on this one.

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Hello everybody! This is your monthly reminder that if you’re in LA, you should always come to my beloved comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, on the first Friday of every month, which is today! I’ve been granted an extra half hour in my theater time slot, which means I can now pack in more funny people serving up more World Wide Web-themed laffs!

You want a Facebook event? Here’s a darn Facebook event! See you there!

And now: your COTW!

“In a plugger’s mind, female schoolmates are linked with ‘drilling a hole,’ if you know what I mean! (I mean that pluggers did not receive sex-ed, so when they got their girlfriend pregnant at 16, they had to leave school and work as a handyman to support their new family.)” –Ettore

And your runners up! Very funny!

“So God doesn’t intend for you to play golf, but you’re golfing anyway? In blatant defiance of His will? On a Sunday yet? Bold. I like it.” –Joe Blevins

“The Bird-Bible of the Shoe world is an old paperback copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull that somebody left lying on a park bench. But the hard-drinking, middle-aged main characters consider that book to be hippie liberal claptrap, so instead they pray to the images they found on the cover of a VHS tape of Dorf on Golf.” –BigTed

“Well, obviously, Crock takes place in a world where the Axis was victorious. Have a little faith in the cartoonist, man! In the Crockoverse, the Germans and the Japanese have divided America, and the Vichy government was given the Sonoran desert as a reward. Morocco or Mexico, Paris or Berlin, it’s all the same for the Legion. They’ll just follow orders. Welcome to the world of The Man in the Poorly-Drawn Castle.” –Voshkod

“Where is Eddie? Or more specifically, when? He’s in a restaurant with tablecloths and glasses in a universe where slinky black evening dresses exist, and yet he still insists on wearing that funnel on his head. He’s keeping a death grip on his date’s hand so he doesn’t fall backwards into the timestream.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“I think Spidey is just going to pull his mask halfway up to his nose to show Iron Fist how stupid that looks.” –Lorne

“You’d be terrified of your barber too, if he’d been giving you that haircut for decades.” –Where’s Rocky

“My deadtree paper runs Crankshaft in black and white, so for the last two days I’ve thought less Freddy Krueger and more ‘fat Hamburglar.’” –Dr. Larry Erhardt

“I really like how Iron Fist is desperate not to get himself involved in Spider-Man’s personal life, like at all.” –pugfuggly

“I’m sure glad Bella would be proud and grateful, Mary! The entirety of one’s life should be lived out based on what sort of human emotions one can imagine his actions provoking in the spirit of his dead dog! This feels completely healthy, both emotionally and mentally!” –JJ48

“What kid of Billy’s age would ever call them anything except ‘little swords’? Probably Thel didn’t want to explain, ‘Those aren’t stirrers, they’re inserted through the olives in those drinks that cause Daddy to pass out on the couch.’” –lumaca morente

That’s just the tornado siren … they test it every now and then. Like, at random times, without warning anyone. We’ve all gotten used to ignoring it, as is the correct response to a siren. Say, you don’t have some psychological condition making that hard for you to do? Ha … I hope not. You’d have to move. This town is not a place for the weak, it’s a place where people get killed by tornadoes they didn’t prepare for.” –pachoo

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Funky Winkerbean, 11/2/18

So there’s been this whole Funky Winkerbean plotline where Wally (who now appears to be, like, 50?) and a Muslim woman named Adeela have been paired up by their professor on a project, with various flashbacks to his service in Iraq and others showing that she used to live in a country under U.S. occupation being offered as evidence of their unarticulated discomfort with each other. We all assumed that eventually they would learn to respect/understand/live with one another, obviously, because that’s how these kinds of plots work, but who could’ve predicted this extremely Funkyverse twist: the emotional turning point would come when they realize they had shared trauma in common! Let’s not argue about who invaded whose homeland and left it a ruin, or who held who as a POW for a decade leading everyone back home to think you were dead in violation of all history and reality. The point as that we both suffer involuntary panic attacks due to the horrible things we’ve seen and experienced in our life, so let’s hit the books and get to work on that project, OK?

Family Circus, 11/2/18

My absolute favorite thing about this is that Big Daddy Keane has chosen to give PJ, who is literally a baby, tiny plastic toys that would be a choking hazard for a child twice his age. And look how proud he is of himself! And how proud Mommy is of him! They’re definitely going to go upstairs and have sex, while Jeffy goes into anaphylactic shock and Billy pretends he knows how to read.