Archive for September, 2008

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— Uncle Lumpy

OK, the “evil coach” is an oldie, but credit Curtis for thinking it through — sure, the Eastern-European stereotype is overdone, but the hairy tongue (!) and Santa suit give it a fresh look. But really, “dandelions”? “Dandelions”?

Six Chix, 9/30/08

Margaret Shulock — one-sixth of the ‘Chix’ as well as the writer of Apartment 3G — serves up a double dose of death this week. But this Death be not proud — he’s just a gangly, socially awkward, self-conscious fella who needs fashion advice, and probably a hug. I bet he’s the one who claimed Alan’s soul. And I bet Alan was kinda pleased by that.

The Phantom, 9/30/08

Ah, now here’s a villian of the old school! We last saw Wambesi terrorist and Phantom-nemesis Chatu (a.k.a. “The Python”) in August 2006, leaving a crippled helicopter for ol’ Stripey to ride to firey death. Didn’t happen. Surviving now sans minions in greatly reduced circumstances, Chatu worked out a mad scheme to spread Ebola virus using fruit bats — but Ebolified himself in the process. The Ghost-who-Cares will track the virus to infected gym mats in somebody’s hut, as the villagers cry, ambiguously, “How are you going to kill it?”

Luann, 9/30/08

Remember how Tiffany used to be the schemer in this strip? Look how far our heroine has come. Without mussing a hair or even fully opening her eyes, Luann excises Tiff’s last shred of self-respect, then sends her spinning into the competitive cesspool of underage porn. Um, that’s a left leg, isn’t it?

Herb and Jamaal, 9/30/08

Not necessarily evil-related, but a milestone nonetheless: the comic strip Herb and Jamaal became self-aware at 1:09 Eastern time, September 30th, 2008. In a stunning irony, the strip was instantly sued by the copyright holders of the words “Crunchy” and “Powdered.”

— Uncle Lumpy

Beetle Bailey, Ziggy, The Better Half, 9/29/08

Cartoonists have always known that technology is funny all by itself, so there’s no need for frills like an actual joke — perfect for a lazy Monday! I’m sure that when the inscriptions at Lascaux are finally translated from the proto-Gallic, at least one will read, “OMG — TEH FIREZ! TEH SPEARZ! ROFLMAO”!

Apartment 3G, 9/29/08

Hey, it’s really Alan, and he’s not only merely dead, he’s really most sincerely dead! That means something actually happened in slow-as-molasses Apartment 3G — mere weeks after Dewey Cheatham bought the farm in that Sultan of Stasis, Judge Parker. Maybe the authors finally gave up trying to spin their characters’ endless chattering into some kind of plot and rose up like Gary Larson’s vulture to proclaim, “I’m tired of waiting — let’s kill something!” We can only hope.

Mary Worth, 9/29/08

No such risk here! After endless weeks of first the bank’s and then victim-turned-consultant Terry Bryson’s attempts to calm Toby down after her non-crisis, Mary now asks for a (doubtless week-long) recap of the non-events. You can tell Toby’s learned her lesson, though. From the steely glint in her eye and the firm set of her chin, you know she’s headed right back to enormoushop.com to download that “Safety Cats” security screensaver before this nightmare can happen again!

— Uncle Lumpy

I know, it’s been ages since I took any time off from this site, so you’re obviously getting sick of me, am I right? Well, you are about to get your thrice-annual dose of the comic stylings of pinch-hitter and fellow commentor Uncle Lumpy! Give him a warm welcome for the remainder of the week; I’ll be back a week from today, 10/6.

But I will leave you with my own pics for the week’s top comments! Here is your lovely comment of the week:

“Margo is on her way to the morgue! Kind of like a visit to Disneyworld for most people.” –Orange Doorhinge

And the runners-up:

“When selecting his secret base, I’m sure the skull motif on the outside was appealing, but what must have really closed the deal for the Phantom was the built-in shelving.” –Bobdog

“Yes! Diet has really come through this time! Brilliant! Genius! No criminal is safe — except, of course, if he climbs a flight of steps.” –Hogenmogen

“Margo and Tommie won’t have the heart to tell Lu Ann her boyfriend was just horribly murdered by a deranged drug addict. They’ll just tell her that he went to live on a nice farm in Nebraska, where he can chase squirrels all day long.” –Perky Bird

“Terry the security expert’s look of bewilderment, pity, and resignation betrays her true thoughts: ‘Oh Toby … Toby Toby Toby. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. You’ll have to be put down.’” –Bribaby

“I fear we are in danger of forgetting The First Law of A3G Plot Dynamics: ‘Objects at rest tend to remain at rest. Objects that appear to be in motion are, in fact, at rest.’” –boojum

“So this ‘Aria’ temptress is just engaging Ted in platonic banter, right? She must realize that Ted’s married, right? I mean, his wedding band must look absolutely enormous on that slender, girl-gymnast-sized hand of his.” –Paperback Rifler

“Alan is not dead. The cops downtown want to know just like the rest of us — once and for all — is this one Alan or Eric? They are going to taser him and then let Margo search his body for distinguishing marks. After that they can tag him and release him back into the mild.” –Mel

“Isn’t that unnamed white dude in Mark Trail really wearing an ‘ironic moustache’? It’s too 1970s Burt Reynolds to be taken seriously. If so, Mark will punch him out just on principle. ‘Damn hipsters!’” –Kevin Moore

“The hand belongs to Spiderman. He’s presumably vacated his own strip due to lack of interest, and is scouting for a new locale. Given his NYC upbringing, it’s quite possible he seeks out a more rural setting. The only thing he hasn’t thought through is the lack of tall buildings, so expect to see Milford’s FD rescuing a distraught Spiderman from the stately oaks lining Main Street.” –trey le parc

“‘The right people on our side’ obviously refers to one of the many identical bunches of fat hillbillies in overalls (one of whom is bald).” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

“I wish they’d change ‘The Sack Master’s’ jersey number to 69. After all, barely a strip goes by without mention of his height. Is that his only distinguishing characteristic? I’m more alarmed by his freakish hands and his cold, dead eyes.” –JH Pants

“I don’t follow Gil Thorp enough to keep track of all the characters, twists or turns, but to whomever that is in the centre of panel three: Dear Podperson, your mask is peeling. Signed, Disturbed.” –Black Drazon

“The death of Alan means high art prices for Margo, chastity for Lu Ann, and more Sunday morning waffles for Tommie. Mmm … waffles.” –Dingo

“I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who assumed that the buzzing was emanating from some Lovecraftian horror from beyond time summoned by Alan’s artwork. Such horrors can warp the very fabric of the universe, creating geometrical configurations that chill the soul with their stark unreality, such as that of Lu Ann’s breasts in the final panel.” –Obstreperous B

“The big tough dog that Snert is not like is about to swallow Hagar whole. There’s some poetic justice there. Well … perhaps ‘poetic’ is the wrong word.” –Angry Kem

“Yes, dear. It’s serious. Alan isn’t in the hospital, Lu Ann. Margo didn’t provide him with insurance, so we tossed his shot-up junkie ass into an alley a few blocks away. You can visit him there if you like.” –Harold

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Slylock Fox, 9/28/08

Dum de dum de dooo, what do we have here … why, it’s Slylock Fox, engaged in light-hearted math-based banter … with a pig … who’s working at … a … deli counter? Right next to a case that’s features distinctly pork-like offerings? This … this is an abomination! You just know that our cheerful cannibal is interested in the result of this little math puzzler because it can help him figure out how much usable meat he can get out of the hobos and lost children he lures into the supermarket after hours. The lovingly detailed deli slicer sure as hell isn’t helping, either. I wonder if our deli-man-pig maintains that creepy expression, with the frozen smile and huge, unblinking eyes, as he uses the slicer to turn his hapless victims into fine sandwich-ready meat products.

Yet more disturbing is Max’s fascination with the cheese, as he’s surely imagining the lady cow who produced it, who is kept in perverted captivity, complicated machinery hooked up to her nipples.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/28/08

Snuffy Smith more or less traffics in overwrought reaction shots. Usually, as in the second of the throwaway panels, these take the form of laughter so uproarious that it dislodges the tongue, and attempt by their sheer exuberance to make the strip’s lame jokes appear funny to someone. Even in this context, though, Elviney’s look of hat-popping horror in the final panel seems a bit much; to match it, Maw Smif ought to be pulling a blanket made of human skin out of her washbin.

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 9/28/08

Hey, everybody, you know what’s really menacing? Illiteracy! Teach a kid to read, today!

Family Circus and Hagar the Horrible, 9/27/08

Two legacy strips check in with mind-bending unjokes today. Little Billy, having grown bored with physical violence, threats of physical violence, and crude insults, has decided to use some Philosophy 101 semantics and ontology to harass his sister. “Dolly, when is a thing not a thing? When do names not encode true meaning? Huh? Huh? Do you get it? Do you?” Dolly’s expression of anxiety proves that her big brother’s reign of terror is continuing on unchecked — only this time, she’ll have no bruises to show Mommy, so the torture will continue.

Meanwhile, Hagar is forcing an existential dilemma on his poor dog. “Why do you have to be what you are? Why can’t you be something else?” The idea that a question like “why” can even be applied to the essence of existence is enough to send anyone into paroxysms of depression — I didn’t make me! Why can’t love me as I am! Fortunately, Snert seems to have a great deal more self-assurance than Dolly, and is unfazed.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/27/08

You hear that, doc? You stay away from Niki, if you like that pretty little face of yours! And if there’s one thing we know about Rex, it’s that he likes that pretty little face of his.

Shoe, 9/27/08

I always assume that, when it appears in a newspaper comic strip, “dating” is a euphemism for “fucking,” which assumption really pays off when it comes to making this strip funnier. There’s a joke about hitting balls with clubs to be made here as well, but I leave that as an exercise for the reader.

Gil Thorp, 9/26/08

Yeah, it’s mostly just you, Trisha, because Jeff doesn’t really interact much with terrifying 11-foot-tall giantesses, which is what you appear to be in the first panel. We appreciate that you have chosen six-foot-nine-Jeff-Ponczak, the one human available who comes even close to your magnificent proportions, for your sexual purposes, but you have to cut him some slack and let him get used to seeing all the way up your nose.

Marmaduke, 9/26/08

Having eaten all of the pedestrians in this damned town, Marmaduke must now actually force his way into cars for sustenance.