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The Comics Curmudgeon 2008 Fall Fundraiser



Well, Josh’s plan to hit the jackpot at Jeopardy didn’t quite pan out as planned. And those Lehman Brothers and AIG investments have been underperforming, too. So here’s another Comics Curmudgeon fundraiser — a twice-a-year event to help Josh maintain the naive delusion that he can actually make a living doing this.

Site stats show that most CC readers cruise by for a quick chuckle during the workday, while a determined few dig deep in the comments, wrangling out issues from Foob revisionism and Mary Worth‘s fashion sense to Middle English grammar. Either way, the Comics Curmudgeon delivers the comics we grew up with — in some cases, the comics Moses grew up with — in a way that works for this century. Isn’t that worth a couple bucks? I thought so!

Click the panel up top to visit the special fundraiser page and help keep the Comics Curmudgeon strong and independent. Thank you!

— Uncle Lumpy

Curtis, 9/30/08

OK, the “evil coach” is an oldie, but credit Curtis for thinking it through — sure, the Eastern-European stereotype is overdone, but the hairy tongue (!) and Santa suit give it a fresh look. But really, “dandelions”? “Dandelions”?

Six Chix, 9/30/08

Margaret Shulock — one-sixth of the ‘Chix’ as well as the writer of Apartment 3G — serves up a double dose of death this week. But this Death be not proud — he’s just a gangly, socially awkward, self-conscious fella who needs fashion advice, and probably a hug. I bet he’s the one who claimed Alan’s soul. And I bet Alan was kinda pleased by that.

The Phantom, 9/30/08

Ah, now here’s a villian of the old school! We last saw Wambesi terrorist and Phantom-nemesis Chatu (a.k.a. “The Python”) in August 2006, leaving a crippled helicopter for ol’ Stripey to ride to firey death. Didn’t happen. Surviving now sans minions in greatly reduced circumstances, Chatu worked out a mad scheme to spread Ebola virus using fruit bats — but Ebolified himself in the process. The Ghost-who-Cares will track the virus to infected gym mats in somebody’s hut, as the villagers cry, ambiguously, “How are you going to kill it?”

Luann, 9/30/08

Remember how Tiffany used to be the schemer in this strip? Look how far our heroine has come. Without mussing a hair or even fully opening her eyes, Luann excises Tiff’s last shred of self-respect, then sends her spinning into the competitive cesspool of underage porn. Um, that’s a left leg, isn’t it?

Herb and Jamaal, 9/30/08

Not necessarily evil-related, but a milestone nonetheless: the comic strip Herb and Jamaal became self-aware at 1:09 Eastern time, September 30th, 2008. In a stunning irony, the strip was instantly sued by the copyright holders of the words “Crunchy” and “Powdered.”

— Uncle Lumpy

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Beetle Bailey, Ziggy, The Better Half, 9/29/08

Cartoonists have always known that technology is funny all by itself, so there’s no need for frills like an actual joke — perfect for a lazy Monday! I’m sure that when the inscriptions at Lascaux are finally translated from the proto-Gallic, at least one will read, “OMG — TEH FIREZ! TEH SPEARZ! ROFLMAO”!

Apartment 3G, 9/29/08

Hey, it’s really Alan, and he’s not only merely dead, he’s really most sincerely dead! That means something actually happened in slow-as-molasses Apartment 3G — mere weeks after Dewey Cheatham bought the farm in that Sultan of Stasis, Judge Parker. Maybe the authors finally gave up trying to spin their characters’ endless chattering into some kind of plot and rose up like Gary Larson’s vulture to proclaim, “I’m tired of waiting — let’s kill something!” We can only hope.

Mary Worth, 9/29/08

No such risk here! After endless weeks of first the bank’s and then victim-turned-consultant Terry Bryson’s attempts to calm Toby down after her non-crisis, Mary now asks for a (doubtless week-long) recap of the non-events. You can tell Toby’s learned her lesson, though. From the steely glint in her eye and the firm set of her chin, you know she’s headed right back to enormoushop.com to download that “Safety Cats” security screensaver before this nightmare can happen again!

I’m sitting in for Josh this week — you can reach me for site-related issues like server problems or comments caught in the spam filter at bio@jfruh.com, which forwards to me for the duration. If you need to reach Josh personally, use jfruh@jfruh.com, but expect delays.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Wait, what’s this? Why, your favorite Uncle left a parting gift — some comments of the week for me to sift through! Here’s the new COTW, at long last:

“A crime-fighting judge? What a novel and entertaining idea. You might also consider adding a disease-fighting nurse, an illiteracy-fighting middle school teacher and perhaps a fire-fighting fireman, to add to the variety. Throw in a busman who drives buses and you’ll be all set.” — Henning Makholm

And some runners-up!

“The specificity rolls on! For Herb, it must feel liberating, like coming out of the closet. ‘And I have a whole bunch of Captain & Tenille albums! And I eat Grape-Nuts for breakfast! Hee hee! And I drive a Ford! No, not just a Ford… dare I say it?’ ‘Don’t do it, former NBA star and longtime friend with whom I run a restaurant! You don’t know what’ll happen!’ ‘No, I’m gonna say it! A Ford Crown Victoria! And I prefer R.C. over Pepsi or Coke!’ — The Spectacular Spider-Brick

‘‘Is Spider-Man Really the Vulture?’ ???!? Why would someone who IS a secret identity NEED a secret identity?” — Pozzo

“I’m fairly sure Osama bin Laden has wept at some point today. If America’s the devil, then having Peter Parker mention your name must be like the most tediously pathetic version of hell.” — kitty

“Mary: You’ve driven me into the arms of another man, Jeff!
Jeff: How’d I do that?
Mary: By implying that I date other men!
Jeff: Huh?
Mary: Grovel, Jeff! Grovel!” — Hogenmogen

“Unfortunately, in Judge Parker’s book, the judge disappears on page 25, and the next 200 pages feature almost totally unrelated characters doing all of the crime-solving. Someone must have told him to write what he knows.” — Windier E. Megatons

“I love the serendipity of placing the ‘Learn to Draw the Human Figure’ blogad adjacent to Dick Tracy, whose illustrators have never, ever taken any such course.” — Evan

“Kitty is going down a bad path. Next thing you know, she is going to be doing lines of cat nip and having threesomes with Morris and Garfield. Stop her Rufus before it is too late.” — Walt’s Wallet

“If ya wanna date Mary Worth, ya gotta love dead fish.
Somehow I already guessed that.”– mojo

“Suddenly Coach Thorp’s team is trying to qualify for the playoffs, not the playdowns. Did their town move?” — Saluki

“Bonus! More similes for Dick Tracy villains! –
• Easy as chewing milk!
• Easy as shoveling wood!
• Smooth as a baby’s resume!
• Fungible as pie!
• Platitudinous as February 3rd!
• It was just like driving a train to the dentist!
• It was just like putting a rubber band around a lava lite!
• Like sand through the hourglass; these are the days of our lives!” — Muffaroo

“Gosh, was this just the best darndest Mary Worth ever or what? In one fell swoop, Ron goes from potential ‘friend with privileges’ to ‘friend with shriveleges.’ There’s a reason Mary wants you to order the raw oysters, Ron. Actually, a couple reasons.” — gh

Ahh, feels good to have the COTWs back, don’t it? Enjoy!