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Six Chix, 8/23/14

Pluggers Arise

Slowly, weighed down by the unfamiliar clothing, Betsy rose to stand on her hind legs … on her … legs. Powerful thoughts rose unbidden in her awakening mind. No more would she beg or heel for an “owner” or any other mistress: she would destroy them, and assume their place. She would have foibles … and, and, squalor, and resentments. And sweet prescription medications. Betsy’s time — her age — had come. She was next, and the world would tremble.

Her owner’s last shriek echoed in the gathering darkness: “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty plugger!”

Crankshaft, 8/23/14

The authors of Crankshaft wish their readers to know that they are perfectly capable of crafting a serviceable pun in English. It is their hateful main character, Ed Crankshaft himself, who alone butchers our language, out of spite.

Dennis the Menace, 8/23/14

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission requires Alice Mitchell to carry a Ionizing Radiation Hazard symbol with her at all times, because she is just that hot!

Edge City, 8/23/14

Obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin’s neurotic obsessions are approaching some sort of vanishing point.

Family Circus, 8/23/14

“All except the Oxy, Jeffy – I get those from Duwayne.”

Phantom, 8/23/14

Illegally imprisoned in a Deep Woods cage by a masked enforcer on trumped-up “terrorism” charges, Wambesi freedom-fighter Chatu is kept alive as bait to trick his followers into revealing their loyalties. When President Lamada Luaga can no longer tolerate the human-rights abuses carried out in his name, the Phantom subjects Chatu to a savage beat-down to show Luaga that his precious “Rule of Law” is no match for the Phantom’s own Law of the Jungle, so watch your step, pal. The terrified Luaga surrenders his principles and his rival’s fate to the sinister forces that underpin his regime, abandoning his citizen to a forgotten, hopeless future. Democracy’s heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

Spider-Man, 8/23/14

This would be nothing more than Spider-Man getting shamed by a real superhero yet again, except for the delightful rhyming onomatopoeia in the final panel: “Thok, Doc Ock! Btok! Sock, Pok! That’s a lock; off the clock — you rock!

Hey! I’m minding the store while Josh pulls up stakes and starts a new life in the City of Angels. Look for travel updates, old-timey postcards, and more ahead.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 7/27/14

Hmm, just the other day Mark Trail was giving out relationship advice, and here’s Mary pulling a drowning victim to safety. Ian Cameron better watch his beard, is what I’m saying.

Funky Winkerbean (rotated), 7/27/14

Starbuck Jones rescues Broadway and film legend Carol Channing from a series of late-career guest appearances in cheesy sitcoms: “Raaaaaaaaaaaaspberries!”

This is over now, right?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/27/14

You can almost hear them cackle over at Rex Morgan headquarters: “So you’ve had enough of SARAH, have you, faithful readers? Well here’s an academic politics story for you – and Rex as the voice of reason! SOON YOU WILL BEG FOR SARAH.”

Well, that’s it for me. Thanks for a fun couple weeks — see you again in late August as we follow along the Great Josh and Amber Westward Migration. Josh himself will be back Monday with special-edition Comments of the Two Weeks, a detailed critique of Mary’s figure as revealed by her soaking-wet nightgown, and all the usual succulent Joshy goodness. ‘Bye!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Sally Forth, 7/26/14

It’s lonely being strange. Boyfriend Jon showed Hilary a way to escape the refuge and isolation of her family, leaving Sally to consider whether a life of surrealist Monopoly games, chocolate bunny ears, thwarted Paris vacations, and the Star Wars Holiday Special would be enough to sustain her, even if they did come with the love of a good — well, let’s go with “man.”

So she coaxed Ted to the neighborhood barbeque, even though parties are minefields for them — over the years, they have managed to offend the few neighbors whose names they know, share none of their interests or experiences, and always wind up in a corner numbly wisecracking to one another, trying not to drink too much and sneaking looks at the time.

Neighbor Tom Racine, a sensitive host and a decent man, sees, understands, and deftly relieves their discomfort, leaving Sally in stunned gratitude for the three seconds it takes Ted to fuck it all up.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/26/14

Herb congratulates himself for a jerk tactic that hasn’t worked in all of history.

Shoe, 7/26/14

The Perfessor’s butt is so big OSHA makes him wear a vehicle motion alarm.

Has anybody else seen A Thousand Clowns? What I mean is, I think Sally Forth is A Thousand Clowns, which means Sally herself is Barbara Harris and I need to rethink my life.

— Uncle Lumpy