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Beetle Bailey, 2/4/18

Wow, this is a … very specific brand shout-out when it comes to Otto’s wine pairing? Really makes you wonder why he isn’t identifying the manufacturer of all those snack foods he found in his bed. Lay’s® classic potato chips! Snyder’s of Hanover® pretzels! Potato Stix, from Utz®! Really monetize this business! Anyway, if the point was to build brand awareness of Grand Estates Merlot from Columbia Crest Winery, mission accomplished, but if this was supposed to be a call to action, I regret to inform you that the Columbia Crest website currently appears to be inoperative.

Crankshaft, 2/4/18

Wow, considering Elvis probably died in part from all the prescription pills he was taking, that’s a spectacularly grim reference in the second panel! Crankshaft would be able to put himself out of his own endless misery, if he weren’t such a butterfingers.

Mary Worth, 2/4/18

Finally, someone has come up with something that could tempt Mary to make her deal with the devil Ted Miller and start hawking her muffins nationwide: the ability to afford a pied-à-terre in New York so she can live near handsome Broadway legend Ken Kensington, with whom Mary experienced a near-romance in a classic 2014 plotline. She could have Ken as her lover on the east coast and Dr. Jeff on the Pacific! You really can have it all … when you’re rich!

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Beetle Bailey, 2/3/18

The ongoing story of General Halftrack’s cognitive decline has been seeded in this strip over the past few months, but today the whole thing has taken a decidedly grim, late-era Soviet Union-style turn.

Pluggers, 2/3/18

Pluggers’ problems with hoarding have gotten really out of hand and have now made it impossible for anyone else to even ride in their car, much less enter their homes.

Judge Parker, 2/3/18

JUDGE PARKER SENIOR AND HIS ESTRANGED TROPHY WIFE ARE GONNA FUUUUUUUUCK, EVERYBODY

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Spider-Man, 1/30/18

A lot of the “dramatic” “tension” in this strip arises when MJ or Peter almost accidentally blurt something out that would reveal Peter’s secret identity, and then furiously thought-balloon to themselves that it’s crucial that they not reveal Peter’s secret identity, only to do it again a few days later. Thus I find it pretty hilarious that Bruce’s straight-up slam on Spidey’s Lizard-fighting prowess didn’t prompt a defensive reaction or other giveaway from MJ. “Hey lady, you husband sucks!” [in MJ’s subconscious] Yeah, that checks out, no need to follow up on it or anything.

Also, do you remember Bruce Banner’s beloved catchphrase, “That’s my secret, all the Avengers as a group: I’m always angry!” Well, Newspapaer Spider-Man is here to remind you about it! For more quips like this, check out [consults Wikipedia] Avengers: Infinity War, coming to theaters in … May, probably? Ugh, I’m so tired, guys.

Beetle Bailey, 1/30/18

I’ve come around on this point from where I was a year ago: I now think it’s cool and good that the people behind Beetle Bailey have literally no idea what camouflage is, and apparently think the 21st century U.S. military disguises its soldiers as, like, trees and shit, like they’re going to help Malcom and Macduff take Dunsinane from Macbeth.