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Blondie, 2/15/18

“Never have Olympic events tasted so good! That’s because Olympic events are abstract concepts. Sure, I could devour the equipment (dangerous) or the competitors (monstrous) — but how do you eat the idea of speed skating or hockey? Well, now I can, because my beloved wife has given them substance, in the form of, I guess, little cakes or whatever.” You know how the International Olympic Committee is super litigious and often tries to prevent unaffiliated companies and organizations from infringing on their trademarks, even sometimes extending to the word “Olympics”? Usually I think this is dumb, but I kind of wish they’d step in with Blondie this week, to stop the madness.

Dick Tracy, 2/15/18

Oh, ha ha, it’s called “Pepper’s” and the owner is named “Ghost,” like ghost pepper, ha ha, and also he’s a terrifying eyeless chalk-fleshed nightmare? Anyway, there are two ways this could go: Either this demon is going to murder Simon in some unspeakable way and walk away with his money, or he’s going to explain that Simon’s suitcase full of cash won’t buy Pepper’s but does represent the franchise fee necessary to license the Pepper’s brand and menu so he can open his own Pepper’s, an arrangement where everybody wins, especially the customer, who now has a variety of Pepper’s locations to choose from!

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Blondie, 2/9/18

There has, of course, been a lot of political drama on the Korean peninsula of late, but tensions lifted a few notches this month when the two Korean states came to a deal over North Korea’s participation in the Olympics — they’re even going to field a unified ice hockey team! But it appears all this goodwill was just a smokescreen to allow North Korean agents to infiltrate the opening ceremony and briefly delay the lighting of the opening flame, which in turn served as a post-hypnotic trigger for their agent living under deep cover in the United States. The first step in the spy’s carefully programmed operational sequence: prepare himself a hearty meal. He’ll need the energy for the carnage ahead.

Judge Parker, 2/9/18

Wow, I have to say, back when April and her father were busy busting out of jail and trying to lure Judges Parker Junior and Senior into dangerous, whirlwind lives of fugitives from the law, I did not expect that just a few short weeks later Alan and Katherine would be irritating their fellow B&B guests with their transparent sexual satisfaction. So does this place cater specifically to old grumps and their much younger partners or what? I certainly hope the beds are easy to get in and out of!

Gil Thorp, 2/9/18

OH MY GOD, MARTY MOON’S GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE FOR BEING RACIST ON THE AIR

IT’S EVERYTHING I’VE EVER WANTED

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Blondie, 1/24/18

This strip definitely has the smell of a scenario that was jury-rigged to fit a predetermined punchline. Like, “Ha, wouldn’t it be funny if Mr. Dithers watched Dagwood napping on the couch via Facebook Live? But wait, why would Dagwood be home? Is he playing hooky? But if so why would Blondie film him? He took the day off, I guess!” But still, I think this has produced a genuinely hilarious scenario, in which Dagwood, who is of course infamous for napping at work, took a day off just so he could nap at home. In conclusion, I hope Facebook paid for this product placement, because I hate to see syndicated comics just promoting other people’s brands for free. If they don’t pay up, call it Pacelook or Pacebook or whatever!

Dick Tracy, 1/24/18

A good thing to do if you’re sending someone deep undercover into a criminal gang is to give them a communications device only available to the police, which broadcasts audio so that anyone can hear it, and then say your undercover officer’s real name super loud if you just hear garbled talk through the speaker, almost as if they’re talking to somebody else!