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Dick Tracy, 3/23/20

Hmm, it seems that Shaky, who’s slowly dying, is just going to bounce from one comical house to another until he finally dies! Today’s he’s visiting his cousin Quiver Trembly, which makes me ask: has there ever been any kind of genetic testing done to determine the origin of what’s clearly a heritable condition of some sort? Anyway, you can tell that Quiver is also into crime because she thinks the answer to everything is cocaine.

Mark Trail, 3/23/20

Big excitement, everyone! The Great Adoption Tryout is underway! It’s better than any reality show! (Side note: if Harvey Camel were still alive and here, he would definitely be live-streaming this.) The mean blond kid is already sitting next to the orphan-hungry Crowleys, and I’m honestly not sure if he’s supposed to be also vying for an adoption or what, but what I do know is that he’s going to sabotage Kevin’s happiness by any means necessary, and I for one am very excited to see what he has up his sleeve.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/23/20

Look, folks, I have to deliver some tough truths: it is not OK to shoot people in the head with a nail gun! I don’t care how many hyperniche musical genres they rattle off at you. Just tell them, in a kind but firm tone, that you could not possibly give less of a shit about what “roots country” is or what distinguishes “rockabilly” from “garage rock.” Violence is never the answer, even under extreme duress!

Dennis the Menace, 3/23/20

Some might say that just being stupid isn’t very menacing. But I would suggest that it’s possible to be so profoundly dumb that you truly are dangerous to yourself and everyone around you, and Dennis is getting pretty close to that line!

Crankshaft, 3/23/20

Say, remember last week’s absolute thrill ride, “Lillian is on a podcast“? Well strap yourself the fuck in for this week’s heart-pounder, “Lillian is on the radio!”

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Blondie, 3/21/20

We’ve all had our dark suspicions about Elmo’s home life, and why he spends so much time at the Bumsteads’ house. Today things hit rock bottom in Elmo’s family, and I for one am glad we were spared the spectacle of his mother drunkenly telling him to get out of the house with the rest of the garbage.

Mark Trail, 3/21/20

Oh, wow, who knew this trip was going to be a grim game show where one! … lucky! … orphan! … gets a FAMILY!!! Do you think the kids know? Probably not, because otherwise blondie here would be on better behavior! Ha ha, enjoy your gruel back at the orphanage, bully! Readers of Woods and Wildlife will be enjoying your tale as a moral cautionary example once Mark’s story drops!

Crankshaft, 3/21/20

Say what you will about the Funkyverse, but at least everyone in it is fully aware of how insufferable they all are. Well, I guess it’s more accurate to say that everyone is aware of how insufferable everyone else is, but not aware of their own particular brand of insufferability. In that sense it truly is a No Exit-style existentialist hell.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/17/20

“Like I said — long story. Pretty boring one, too. I mean, not as boring as the one about how you and your wife had a baby after a moderately difficult pregnancy. Hoo boy, was that a stinker! So, what have you been up to? No, don’t tell me, I’m sure it’s not interesting.”

Crankshaft, 3/17/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because … Lillian forgot the name of the guy who was planning on interviewing her for his podcast? That’s it? That’s the entire joke of this strip? Ha … ha?

Mother Goose and Grimm, 3/17/20

Hey, everything’s going crazy, the world is ending, and you know what? Why not put some diaper fetish content in your nationally syndicated newspaper comic? Really, why not! GOD IS DEAD, DO AS THOU WILT