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Funky Winkerbean, 12/11/09

Ever since it became clear that Summer was going to take up gainful employment at Montoni’s, Funky Winkerbean followers have asked themselves, “How will this plotline end in a terribly depressing conclusion?” The answer emerges today: age-inappropriate romance! Summer (who is supposed to be 16-ish) will against all odds fall for the smooth moves of morose loser Mopey Pete (who is supposed to be 26-ish) not because of the smoothness of said moves but because he has the advantage of not being a 16-year-old boy (and in Westview, sullen kleptomaniac Corey Winkerbean is apparently the best on offer in that department). Awkward, furtive romance will ensue, with possible negative outcomes including but not limited to: teen pregnancy, father-daughter rift, parent-on-boyfriend assault, statutory rape charge, parent-on-boyfriend assault interrupted by parental heart attack, ill-advised secret wedding, and (unrelated, but still inevitable) cancer.

Dennis the Menace, 12/11/09

While I’m all for stickin’ it to the man, I would argue that Dennis should stop focusing on the logical paradox that the sign represents and instead point out that happy family of three keeping on the grass right over there, on that hill. This police officer is regarding Dennis with a weary squint that says to me that he’s looking for an excuse to bust some heads, so its probably best to deflect his hostility rather than to explicitly ask for it.

Joey’s sartorial choices are always interesting! A short-sleeved sweater over a short-sleeved dress shirt is a remarkably bizarre outfit for a child, but, as ever, someone has got to make Dennis look menacing, if only by comparison.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/11/09

I must give props to today’s FBOFW new-run for depicting what it’s like to be a tiny person whose mother looms over you terrifyingly and ruins all your fun. In panel one, Ellie’s menacing pelvis is particularly striking.

Mark Trail, 12/11/09

It seems now that each new Mark Trail will offer another installment in the hilarious series of opportunities Mark is being given to let Rusty drown. While each obstacle is easy enough to overcome individually, when taken as a whole they should perhaps be understood as the universe itself wanting Rusty dead. Still, I’m sure Mark will courageously do some breaking and entering in order to find a special sand-compatible car jack, which leads me to wonder just how badly Mark will be willing to violate his moral code in order to save Rusty’s life. What if the urchin’s only hope is for Mark to grow a beard that the little twerp can grab onto so as to be pulled to safety? Would Mark make that ultimate sacrifice?

Judge Parker, 12/11/09

I would like it if any of my readers in the law enforcement of criminal lawyering industries could back me up here on just how insane the current Judge Parker plot developments are. To recap: Sam has dispatched one his firm’s lawyers to his client’s house so as to remove evidence from the scene that would exonerate said client. Had the police found the note — and had, say, lawyer Steve made a point of being present when the note was found — it would have become part of the evidence of the case, available to both sides in the trial, and there would have been a paper trail describing when and where it was found. But now it’s in possession of the defendant’s lawyers, which means that the prosecution can just say it’s a post facto fabrication.

Now, if the local police were terribly corrupt, Sam might have legitimate fears that they would “lose” any evidence damaging to their case, in which scenario Sam might gamble that getting the note illicitly would be better than nothing. Local law enforcement is corrupt, of course, but it’s corrupt in the sense that it favors Sam and his rich asshole friends, so this move makes even less sense. Calling the cops and taunting them by describing his painfully stupid move immediately after he made it is just moronic icing on the legal misconduct cake.

Apartment 3-G, 12/11/09

OH SNAP MARGO JUST GOT PAID! She’s putting on a halfway decent show for Tim — “if I purse my lips like this, that … that looks like grief, right?” — but clearly she’s already counting the money. Now that’s she independently wealthy, she can give up all of her half-assed attempts at earning a living and dedicate herself to plotting evil full time, which is going to be pretty fantastic.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/1/09

What must it be like to be part of a couple in which both you and your spouse work in the demanding but rewarding medical field, with human lives literally in your hands, day after day? Since I’m a terrible person, I assume it mostly involves petty score-keeping. “Oh ho, Peter, it looks like you managed to kill someone — again — while I nobly went above and beyond the call of duty and found one of my missing patients just before she developed deadly pneumonia. Advantage: Becka!”

Family Circus, 12/1/09

I’m going to skip over Dolly’s chilling views on mother-daughter relationships (“I can’t believe she’s wasting her time talking to that old bag! When I grow up, I’m not even going to tell Mommy where I live!”) and focus on little Jeffy, wearin’ his best penny loafers and just stone cold maxin’ and relaxin’ in that doorway. I love the way he’s holding that book in his lap like a little table. Obviously he has some dim idea that education might be his ticket out of the Keane Kompound, but since literacy will be forever beyond his capabilities, he just grabbed a thin little brown volume (the Reader’s Digest abridged version of Leviticus, probably) from whatever shelf he could reach and carries it around the house with him, hoping it will help, somehow.

Mary Worth, 12/1/09

Mary’s expression of palpable and inappropriate relief may indicate that even a master meddler has her limits; even she doesn’t have the spiritual strength to deal with the emotional problems of a sad sack like Wilbur. “She’ll only be gone a few months, but who will wipe all this dirt off my face? I’m far too sad without her to deal with basic hygiene! Will you do it Mary? I think there are some towels over by the side of the pool.”

Dennis the Menace, 12/1/09

“An’ that’s why we’re buryin’ this snitch in a shallow grave.”

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Apartment 3-G, 11/12/09

Dr. Pappagoras is cheerfully pressing on with his campaign to win the Most Unethical Therapist statuette at this years Psychie Awards! Most head-shrinkers I know (and I was raised by several) do not consider it a “nice surprise” when their goofball-addled patients show up at their office without an appointment and with some bullshit story about, you know, just being in the neighborhood, just wandering around the block seven or forty times in the rain and thinking about pills pills pills PILLS PILLS PILLS. I was originally going to come up with some joke here about transference and countertransference, but then I realized that strictly speaking those phenomena only arise in the course of actual patient/therapist relationships, and not in drug-seeker/quack-doctor-who-wants-to-bone-drug-seeker relationships.

Pluggers, 11/12/09

Speaking of pills, it’s nice to see that pluggers aren’t waiting for some government bailout to pull them out of their tough economic times. Police looking for the distributors bringing insane amounts of black-market oxycodone into the county will never suspect the simple, down-home chicken lady!

Dennis the Menace, 11/12/09

“Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away. Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” –Matthew 5:38-44

So, apparently Dennis has been sent to Earth by his Father to teach us about peace, and then die for our sins. This … this is not very menacing at all.