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Mary Worth, 3/5/18

So, uh, Mary’s just not gonna tell Jeff about the time when his friend tried to force himself upon her and she had to slap him to get him to leave, 48 hours ago? I admit to being completely flummoxed by this! Of course, maybe this shouldn’t be a surprise, as Mary simply doesn’t do “dealing with trauma.” Remember when she told a woman embittered by memories of being abandoned at the altar by her fiance that if you just stop remembering painful things, they literally cease to exist? Already as far as Mary is concerned she and Ted just couldn’t make their schedules work together, which is why she’s going to go into the muffin business herself. Those body parts mouldering just beneath the soil in her rose garden? Why, she doesn’t know a thing about those, she’ll tell the cops, and really mean it.

Dick Tracy, 3/5/18

Dick Tracy has a insanely detailed history and deep bench of rogues, so I’m never quite sure when we meet one in the modern-day strip whether this is a brand new villain or someone who appeared in a month-long storyline in 1952 or something. I do want to know if Ghost Pepper has any backstory or longstanding beef with Tracy, because if not he’s gone from 0 to Drag Him To A Horrible Death Down The Side Of A Mountain real fast. He has a “PPPRZ” vanity license plate, though, so he’s clearly a monster capable of anything.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/2/18

You know, occasionally I like to remember that before Kelly was a bland nice girl who wore boring normie clothes accessorized with pieces from the Hillary Clinton Hairband Collection circa 1993, she was a scantily clad bad-ass goth delinquent who sassed her mom and dated a 25-year-old with a mohawk named “Spider.” She’s reformed now, of course, but every once in a while we see her old nature peeking out, like today when she acknowledges that Justin is her boyfriend’s best friend, but, like, why does he have to hang around with us all the time? Especially given that scene he made at lunch — reminding us that we’re all biological human bodies and someday, maybe someday soon, we’re going to sicken and die! I don’t care how much you like him, I don’t wanna think about that! No thanks, buddy!

Dick Tracy, 3/2/18

[Fifteen hours later] “OK, I’m giving him twelve more hours, and that’s it.”

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Pluggers, 2/19/18

As you know, I’m not a plugger, and one of the ways you can tell I’m not a plugger is that I know jack-all about cars. So, like, when I read this panel, I was confused, because don’t all cars have shock absorbers? Is this panel trying to imply that pluggers have a pedestrian-based lifestyle and shun automotive ownership? Because that seems quite at odds with the image I’ve built up over the years! But, no: it turns out that some cars have shocks and some cars have struts. And maybe some have both? I then contemplated taking the next logical step: doing the research to determine if cars without shock absorbers were more “plugger-y” than those with them. But then I thought, “enh, my dude, you’re just spending time learning about cars.” So I gave up! True story!

Dick Tracy, 2/19/18

“Have you seen today’s paper, Chief Patton? Oh, you haven’t, but you’ve already heard about the murder of an extremely wealthy and prominent citizen? What with you being the chief of police and all? And also we live in a 24-hour news cycle, so even if you hadn’t heard it from police sources you’d probably see it on TV or Twitter or something? Well, whatever, I already had one of my aides buy this paper for visual effect, so God damn it, I’m going to hold it up meaningfully. This is how you hold up a newspaper, right? Very gingery?”

Slylock Fox, 2/19/19

OH HEY WHAT’S UP COUNT WEIRDLY IS JUST SENDING OUT HIS SNAKE TO EAT BABIES NOW